"I am feeling pretty good about how I look and feel these days. I think that all that hard work, exercising every day and eliminating wheat and sugar, is finally paying off. My clothes are getting looser." This is the monologue I have with myself on the way to the bathroom, determined to look at reality in the face as I am about to step on the scale and weigh myself for the first time in a week. I urge myself on: "Don't be scared. They are just numbers on a scale. Just numbers. They don't mean anything about who you are as a person. Don't let the numbers discourage you. Remind yourself of how you feel instead of focusing on numbers."
I take a big breath and I step on the scale. I have not lost a pound in over 10 days. How can that be? I have been so good. I watch everything I eat and I have doubled up on exercise! NOT FAIR! Why is it always so hard for me to lose weight? Any normal person on the same regimen would be melting away. But not me! Ah no! I have to invest blood, sweat and tears for every single ounce I shed and then some.
I have been on diets ever since I can remember. One memory in particular sticks out like a sore thumb. I was 12 years old, too fat to wear the hot pants and halter tops that were the rage in the seventies, and my dad drove all of us kids to the Dairy Queen for a treat. Every one ordered their favourite ice cream and then my parents turned to me with a "be reasonable" look in their eyes to ask what I wanted. I said I did not want anything. They approved. They smiled.
I said no to something sweet with lots of calories. An act of bravery. A step in the right direction if I did not want to balloon into an even bigger version of myself. I had done the right thing but I was miserable. I felt deprived as I watched my sisters happily lick their cone in what appeared to be slow motion.
When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with a condition called Hypothyroidism which explained in part was I was obese and feeling lethargic. Getting that diagnosis was like a balm on my wounded self-confidence. It was not all my fault that I was overweight. I had a very slow metabolism (3 times slower than normal in fact). I managed to lose a lot of weight that summer before starting grade 12 partly thanks to the medication and mostly thanks to a starvation diet and manic exercise sessions.
But unfortunately the damage was already done. I grew up feeling fat and no matter how much I weighed, I would always be fat in my head and in my heart.
That is why I was so intrigued when Oprah had the author Geneen Roth on her show talking about her new book entitled Women, Food and God. I bought the book right away and devoured it (pardon the pun) in just a few days.
Geneen Roth belonged in my club of people perpetually displeased with their weight and looks until she had a revelation a few years ago. One day she was so disgusted with herself that she was on the verge of suicide. And then, out of the blue, she did something radical. She ended the war. She stopped trying to fix, deprive and shame herself. She began trusting her body and questioning her belief. Roth's basic premise is that "the way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive." According to her "your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation and, yes, even God."
Ever since then, Geneen Roth has been leading workshops for women like me who have an unhealthy relationship with food with great success. Admittedly, it takes a few days before the women in her group agree to let go of their beliefs and start considering the possibility that their obsession with food has never been about food but rather a temperature gauge about how they feel about themselves deep down.
I had a huge revelation as I read Chapter Eleven of Roth's book is entitled Those Who Have Fun and Those Who Don't. Roth talks about two kinds of compulsive eaters: Restrictors and Permitters.
Restrictors believe in control. Deprivation is comforting for a Restrictor because it gives them a sense of control. "If I limit my food intake, I limit my body size." Their guiding principles are denial and constraints. Their core belief is that less is more. Restrictors believe that they have to work very hard to achieve their goals and they are convinced that suffering is noble. If it is not hard it is not worth doing... What a way to live huh? They are not much fun to be around.
On the other hand the Permitters are all about fun. They dislike any kinds of rules. Permitters prefer to go through life with sunglasses on. Permitters live in denial. "You just live once so what the heck!" They splurge. "Might as well pig out and store up before the bounty dries up" Their life strategy is one of avoidance. If they don't try to lose weight or achieve any kind of goal, then they won't be disappointed if and when they fail.
The Restrictors control.
The Permitters numb.
Now let's be clear. These typologies are not cut and dry. Everyone can be both Permitter and Restrictor. A Restrictor turns into a Permitter every time she binges. A Permitter becomes a Restrictor every time she resolves to follow a weight loss program.
Even so. I think that your core personality is one or the other. Either you like to control things or you have a laissez-faire attitude towards life.
As for myself, I am a text book Restrictor. I am not proud of this. But the knowing is freeing at the same time. At any time and in any circumstances I have choices to make. I may still make the choice to deprive and limit myself but maybe I can start to change by at least being aware of why I make those choices. Maybe I can entertain, even if for a few milliseconds, another choice. The choice of letting go. The choice of trusting my body. The choice of accepting (and dare I say it, loving) all of who I am in that moment, warts and all.
What about you? Can you relate to any of this? The Permitter and Restrictor labels are not just restricted to your attitude about weight. In life, do you tend to deprive yourself more often than you splurge? What impact is this having? Do you like being the way you are? Is there another way? Is there a way for you to suffer less and to enjoy more?
Food for thought... (Isn't it funny how fascination with food permeates our culture?)
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