To be or not to be...happy with my body

"I am feeling pretty good about how I look and feel these days. I think that all that hard work, exercising every day and eliminating wheat and sugar, is finally paying off. My clothes are getting looser." This is the monologue I have with myself on the way to the bathroom, determined to look at reality in the face as I am about to step on the scale and weigh myself for the first time in a week. I urge myself on: "Don't be scared. They are just numbers on a scale. Just numbers. They don't mean anything about who you are as a person. Don't let the numbers discourage you. Remind yourself of how you feel instead of focusing on numbers."

I take a big breath and I step on the scale. I have not lost a pound in over 10 days. How can that be? I have been so good. I watch everything I eat and I have doubled up on exercise! NOT FAIR! Why is it always so hard for me to lose weight? Any normal person on the same regimen would be melting away. But not me! Ah no! I have to invest blood, sweat and tears for every single ounce I shed and then some.

I have been on diets ever since I can remember. One memory in particular sticks out like a sore thumb. I was 12 years old, too fat to wear the hot pants and halter tops that were the rage in the seventies, and my dad drove all of us kids to the Dairy Queen for a treat. Every one ordered their favourite ice cream and then my parents turned to me with a "be reasonable" look in their eyes to ask what I wanted. I said I did not want anything. They approved. They smiled.

I said no to something sweet with lots of calories. An act of bravery. A step in the right direction if I did not want to balloon into an even bigger version of myself. I had done the right thing but I was miserable. I felt deprived as I watched my sisters happily lick their cone in what appeared to be slow motion.

When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with a condition called Hypothyroidism which explained in part was I was obese and feeling lethargic. Getting that diagnosis was like a balm on my wounded self-confidence. It was not all my fault that I was overweight. I had a very slow metabolism (3 times slower than normal in fact). I managed to lose a lot of weight that summer before starting grade 12 partly thanks to the medication and mostly thanks to a starvation diet and manic exercise sessions.

But unfortunately the damage was already done. I grew up feeling fat and no matter how much I weighed, I would always be fat in my head and in my heart.

That is why I was so intrigued when Oprah had the author Geneen Roth on her show talking about her new book entitled Women, Food and God. I bought the book right away and devoured it (pardon the pun) in just a few days.

Geneen Roth belonged in my club of people perpetually displeased with their weight and looks until she had a revelation a few years ago. One day she was so disgusted with herself that she was on the verge of suicide. And then, out of the blue, she did something radical. She ended the war. She stopped trying to fix, deprive and shame herself. She began trusting her body and questioning her belief. Roth's basic premise is that "the way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive." According to her "your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation and, yes, even God."

Ever since then, Geneen Roth has been leading workshops for women like me who have an unhealthy relationship with food with great success. Admittedly, it takes a few days before the women in her group agree to let go of their beliefs and start considering the possibility that their obsession with food has never been about food but rather a temperature gauge about how they feel about themselves deep down.

I had a huge revelation as I read Chapter Eleven of Roth's book is entitled Those Who Have Fun and Those Who Don't. Roth talks about two kinds of compulsive eaters: Restrictors and Permitters.

Restrictors believe in control. Deprivation is comforting for a Restrictor because it gives them a sense of control. "If I limit my food intake, I limit my body size." Their guiding principles are denial and constraints. Their core belief is that less is more. Restrictors believe that they have to work very hard to achieve their goals and they are convinced that suffering is noble. If it is not hard it is not worth doing... What a way to live huh? They are not much fun to be around.

On the other hand the Permitters are all about fun. They dislike any kinds of rules. Permitters prefer to go through life with sunglasses on. Permitters live in denial. "You just live once so what the heck!" They splurge. "Might as well pig out and store up before the bounty dries up" Their life strategy is one of avoidance. If they don't try to lose weight or achieve any kind of goal, then they won't be disappointed if and when they fail.

The Restrictors control.

The Permitters numb.

Now let's be clear. These typologies are not cut and dry. Everyone can be both Permitter and Restrictor. A Restrictor turns into a Permitter every time she binges. A Permitter becomes a Restrictor every time she resolves to follow a weight loss program.

Even so. I think that your core personality is one or the other. Either you like to control things or you have a laissez-faire attitude towards life.

As for myself, I am a text book Restrictor. I am not proud of this. But the knowing is freeing at the same time. At any time and in any circumstances I have choices to make. I may still make the choice to deprive and limit myself but maybe I can start to change by at least being aware of why I make those choices. Maybe I can entertain, even if for a few milliseconds, another choice. The choice of letting go. The choice of trusting my body. The choice of accepting (and dare I say it, loving) all of who I am in that moment, warts and all.

What about you? Can you relate to any of this? The Permitter and Restrictor labels are not just restricted to your attitude about weight. In life, do you tend to deprive yourself more often than you splurge? What impact is this having? Do you like being the way you are? Is there another way? Is there a way for you to suffer less and to enjoy more?

Food for thought... (Isn't it funny how fascination with food permeates our culture?)

Problem-solving: a questions of know-how or self-confidence?

"Maybe we need a course on creative problem-solving" said a manager of training and development services at a local university. She had just finished telling me an anecdote about a woman who refused to help her process some paperwork because "it was not her job and she did not know how". The lady who usually took care of those tasks was away on sick leave and the manager was told that she would just have to wait until the lady returned to get the forms processed. Well that was not going to work! There were time lines to meet and people who counted on her to get the work done. The manager asked to meet with the reluctant woman to explore what could be done. It was a fruitful conversation. Together they managed to find a way to get the work done in the required time lines."I asked her a few probing questions and suggested some alternate ways of considering the situation" the manager said. "We managed to find a creative solution together. It was a win-win for both of us."

Well, in this case, the problem was not just an inability to think creatively I think. There might have been a lack of motivation on the woman's part or maybe she did not have the self-confidence to take action.

If I were to put together a course to help address these kinds of situations in the workplace there would be two parts: know-how to DO and know-how to BE.

In the know-how to DO part of the course we would cover the different theories and tools for problem-solving. Tools like Six Thinking Hats to encourage lateral thinking pioneered by Edward De Bono. Tools to generate, visualize, structure and classify ideas such as Tony Buzan's Mind Mapping process. Techniques to challenge your thinking and collect your great ideas in learning journals such as the one developed by Ed Bernacki, Wow What a Great Idea!

Ironically, an impediment to creativity is thinking. Thinking too logically and rationally. To find creative solutions to problems, we need to rely more on our right brain abilities: seeing the big picture, making free associations, using symbols and metaphors.

In his book entitled Drive, Daniel Pink talks about an experiment called the candle problem that was devised by psychologist Karl Duncker in the 1930's. Subjects are asked to sit at a table by a wooden wall. On the table there is a candle, a box filled with tacks, and a book of matches. Subjects are asked to find a way to attach the candle to the wall so that the wax doesn't drip on the table.

What would you do?

Many people start by trying to tack the candle to the wall. But that doesn't work. Some melt the wax on the side of the candle with a match and try sticking the candle to the wall. But that doesn't work either. After 5 or 10 minutes people usually stumble on the solution. They empty the box of its tacks and tack the box to the wall. Then, they stick the candle to the bottom of the box.

In order to find the solution, subjects have to overcome what is called "functional fixedness" or, in other words, what their mental model is regarding the function of a box. At first, they don't see alternate uses for the box outside of holding tacks. Their mental model of what a box is meant for prevents them from finding the solution at once. They have to challenge their current view of the world in order to stumble on the solution.

If experimenters leave the tacks out of the box at the outset of the experiment, subjects find the solution to the "candle problem" much quicker. The empty box triggers a different mental model: the notion of a box is a container. The jump to the solution is facilitated by the sight of an empty box.

In short, what this means is that one of the first step to finding creative solutions to problems is to cultivate our ability to, pardon the pun, "think outside of the box". Creativity requires a willingness to let go of what we think we know and be open to new possibilities.

The second part of my workshop on a creative problem-solving would focus on know-how to BE: personal leadership.

That is the most difficult...

How can you motivate people? The truth is you can't. You can only help create the right conditions for someone to find their own source of motivation. According to Daniel Pink, the three key elements to true motivation are autonomy, purpose and mastery.

Determining what your source of motivation is requires some introspection. Reflecting on questions such as the following would provide some precious insights:
Does my work define who I am?
Do I look forward to coming to work every day? Why?
What are my interests? Aptitudes?
How can I find ways to better use my skills and abilities in my work?
Is it time for me to make a bold move and change jobs?

How can you build self-confidence? That is another tricky.

Part of the answer lies in helping individuals reconnect with their own personal leadership. Everyone has demonstrated initiative in their lives whether in their work life or personal life. Helping people remember that they have what it takes to be courageous and successful is the first step in building self-confidence.

Dealing with fears and erroneous judgments is another step towards self-confidence. In the situation I described above, could it be that the woman was afraid to overstep some boundaries if she did her colleague's job while she was away? Could it be that she was concerned about her boss' or colleagues' reaction if she did a job that she was not trained to do? Could it be that she was afraid of making mistakes and being judged harshly?

Have you ever heard of the expression "a career limiting move"? In government, where I used to work, that expression was rampant. It meant be careful what you do or say. Tow the line, don't make any waves and keep your head low. Could that type of culture have a negative impact on someone taking some initiative?

In conclusion, problem-solving is not as simple (or as difficult - depending on your perspective) as finding a solution. The key is to have the initiative to look for it...