Random Acts of Kindness

I was leading a session for a government client earlier this week and they asked me to propose a special activity with a holiday theme to liven up their staff retreat. I suggested that they do a Secret Santa activity for the week leading up to our session.

You pick a name out of a hat and for a period of a week you are invited do an act of kindness for your colleague every day. The kindnesses can be anything from leaving a hot cup of coffee on their desk without being seen, to clearing off the snow from their car before they leave at night, to writing a poem in their honor or leaving chocolates or other treats where they can find them. The Secret Santa observes his or her colleague throughout the week to learn a bit more about who they are, and especially, find something that they appreciate about them. At the end of the week, the Secret Santas are unveiled during a special staff meeting. At the meeting, the Secret Santas share with the rest of the group what they have observed from their colleague and what they like about them.

My client loved the idea. It was something we could do without much preparation and with no outlay of cash (budgets are very tight these days!) plus, it would add a bit of holiday cheer to the workplace.

A few days before the Secret Santa activity was to begin, my client received a few long-winded emails and even some calls from staff complaining that they did not have time to deal with such frivolous Christmas activities on work time: five acts of kindness in a week was simply too much to handle in these busy times (although it probably took as much time as would be necessary to do 3 or 4 acts of kindnesses to write the long formal memos to complain about the lack of time but that is besides the point...or is it?)

My client compromised. In an email she said: "We understand that some of you are concerned about the time required to the Secret Santa activity every day for a week so therefore, we are asking that you limit your acts of kindness to only twice during the week preceding our staff retreat."

That seemed to satisfy the naysayers. They had made their point. Their discontent was heard and management had acted on it. So everyone limited their kindnesses to two times during the week. (Can you sense the cynicism and incredulity behind my diplomatic words?)

What is wrong with this picture? A lot! First, that we have to formalize an invitation for people to be kind to each other in the workplace is very sad indeed. Busy people do not have time to be cordial and kind to each other apparently.

Second, since when do we have to schedule time to have fun and be playful at work? Does this mean that real work only gets done in a formal, perfunctory, robot-like environment? Does this mean that we cannot afford to be living and breathing human beings at work and let our hearts and soul sing while we do our work?

Third, who are those scrooges who dared to complain that they were too busy with work to do an act of kindness for their colleague??? How long does it take so say thank you or open the door for someone or leave a candy on someone's desk? Perhaps we are so out of practice with being kind that these individuals felt like they had to do a lot of planning to do an impromptu act of kindness? I really don't get it.

In the end, people were thrilled with the activity (so much so that they have proposed doing a Secret Easter Bunny activity next Spring!) At the close the staff retreat, I asked everyone to come up in turn to the front of the room to describe what their Secret Santa had done. All of them expressed real gratitude for the kindnesses they received. They were touched by their colleague's thoughtfulness and caring. Once they were done, the Secret Santa revealed themselves and came to the front to join their colleague. All of them, without exception, hugged each other - can you believe that? Marks of affection in a workplace! Some would say that it is odd. I say it is heart-warming. It was now the Secret Santa's turn to say what they appreciated from their colleague. Here are some examples:

• "Whenever I meet Mary in the hallways she always greets me with a happy hello and a smile."
• "I like that John always delivers what he promises when he promised it. His work is very professional and thorough."
• "You can go see Ghislaine if you need a little pick me up. She always finds something kind and positive to say. I always feel better after I talk to her."
• "Richard is a big thinker. He is like a walking encyclopaedia. I love talking to him about new ideas."

Simple things huh? Little things are big things. Some would say that is all there is.

A lot of the Christmas movies seem to have a similar message. What makes Christmas magical is not the big ticket items under the tree or the gourmet food for Christmas dinner or the "bling" and designer clothes that you are wearing at the office Christmas party. What makes Christmas magical is that it awakens in us our humanity and our purpose "to do unto others what we would like them to do unto us."

At Christmas time, we are reminded about the abundance of things that we have and that we take for granted. At Christmas time, we are reminded that others are in need and we become more generous. We take the time to donate to Toy Mountain, the Food Bank, and World Vision or Care Canada. We make the time to volunteer at the soup kitchen or at the children's school fund raising activities. More so than any other time of the year, at Christmas time we feel that we can make a positive difference and we act on it.

The magic of Christmas is that love is free-flowing. And with love, anything can happen.

May you give and receive much love during this Christmas season...

Five generations of people side by side

I have always been fascinated by sociology, the study of human societies. Diane Pacom, a sociology professor at the University of Ottawa gave a wonderful presentation on the generational gap between today's youth and the older generations a few weeks ago.

Did you know that there are presently five distinct generations living side by side in Canada?

There are two million folks in Canada who are from the 1920's generation (1920-1929) who are now in their eighties. The "Roaring Twenties" or the "Jazz Age" was a period of prosperity after the first World War and it was also a period of changing morals. This period of our history is also called the "Lost Generation". Many good, young men went to war and died, or returned home either physically or mentally wounded (for most, both), and their faith in the moral guideposts that had earlier given them hope, were no longer valid...they were "Lost." "Lost" also describes the general feeling of discontinuity associated with a break with traditions. Everything seemed to be feasible through modern technology. New technologies, especially automobiles, moving pictures and proliferated 'modernity' to a large part of the population. There was no television yet and even less computers or Internet...

There are 2.5 million Canadians who were born in the period of the Great Depression, the 1930-1939 generation. "What was once a land of opportunities became a land of desperation" to quote Bettye Sutton. Money was scarce. People were focused on survival instead of advancement. Authors have compared the Great Depression to the economic crisis we have experienced in the last year. Diane Pacom says that the impact of the depression on the 1930's youth was quite different. Today's youth define themselves by brands. You are ridiculed if you have an ordinary MP3 as opposed to an IPod. You are not cool if you wear department store brand running shoes rather than the latest Nikes. You are a "loser" if you wear your sister's hand me downs rather than the Lululemon sweatshirt or the Aeropostale t-shirts. So in a sense, the loss of income in this period of economic turn-down not only affected individual's capacity to attend to basic needs but it also undermined youth's sense of identity and self-worth. The 1930's youth fared better on that front.

The generation of the Second World War (1940-46) are also called the "Silent Generation". The "Pre-Boomers" as they are sometimes called, entered adulthood in the 1950s and benefited from ample job opportunities, rapid promotion and easy prosperity.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1947 and 1964, are 9 million in Canada today. The Baby Boomers are the first generation of "youth" in humanity. Before them, a person went from being a child to a young adult in the span of a couple of years. Today you are considered "young" if you are between 14 years of age to 34 years of age. The boomers created our culture's fixation with youth. Today, there is a young way of dressing, a young way of talking and writing (e.g. rap, MSN and texting), a young way to playing (e.g Ipods, Playstations, Youtube, etc...) thanks to the marketing genius of Baby Boomers.

The boomers have desconstructed our world. The boomers declared that marriage, church, family, politics,... were OUT. But they have not replaced these institutions with any other traditions.

The Generation X is the last cohort of the Baby Boomers, born between 1961 and 1980. A National Post article published on February 27, 2007 declares that Gen X will change the work culture. The author, Ray Williams, describes the Gen X, as people who grew up with pet rocks, platform shoes and watched The Simpsons. "They question authority, seek bigger meaning in life and work, are technologically savvy, live in the present, are skeptical, see career as a key to happiness, are open to multi-careers, consider challenge and variety as being more important than job security and constantly aim to achieve work-life balance." Diane Pacom points out that today's politics is attracting Generation X people like Obama, Stephen Harper and Jean Charest. They are pushing for a return to strong values and traditions.

After the Generation X, the Generation Y is considered to be the echo to the Baby Boomers. These youth between 14 to 29 years of age number almost 7 million in Canada. They are are the "I" generation as opposed to the "me" generation. Diane Pacom explains that a "me" usually impliesa "you" but for the Generation Y people there is no "you", so therefore they are just focused on the "I".

According to Mme Pacom, they are the "enfants rois" (the royal children) - to whom everything is owed and everything is given (often out of guilt from parents who don't know how to be worthy of the title of "good parent"). This generation of children has been the most wanted. Every milestone was marked with celebrations and praise. They may carry a sense of entitlement about them and have an expectation of frequent positive feedback.

Teachers have coined a term to describe those children's parents: the helicopter parents. Like helicopters, parents of Generation Y kids hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. The Generation Y children are sheltered. They grew up in a time of increasing safety measures (car seats, baby on board signs, school lockdowns). They were rarely left unsupervised. They were sheltered from having to take care of their own conflicts as parents advocated on their behalf, and “spared” them from unpleasant experiences

The Generation Y children are "trophy kids” and they feel pressure to excel. It is interesting to note that the Generation Y children have been identified in the school system as "gifted" in record numbers. In a typical week, those children juggle school, homework, band practice, soccer team / hockey team practice and singing lessons. For every "royal child" explains Diane Pacom, there are three excluded children. The children that have been diagnosed (and medicated) in record numbers in the last 15 to 20 years as having ADHD, anxiety, Asperger Syndrome or learning difficulties. Those kids who just don't belong in a world where you need to be "super" at something just to be noticed. Ordinary just doesn't cut it anymore.

The Millennial Generation are children born since 1996. These children were born in a high tech, high speed society. The Millennial children are more intuitive and more creative than older generations were at that age. They take to computers like a fish takes to water and have a natural understanding of technology in general that can border on the uncanny. They seem to have an understanding of the spiritual beyond their years and a matter-of-fact attitude toward the paranormal are often attributed to these youngsters. Millennials are on track to become the best-educated and best-behaved adults in the nation’s history. More comfortable with their parents’ values than any other generation in living memory, Millennials support convention – the idea that social rules can help. Diane Pacom says that these children are the most promising generation.

I believe that every generation has something precious to contribute to the next generation and important lessons to learn from the previous generation. As a parent of a Generation Y child and a Millennial child, I have to ask myself how can I give my daughters the space and the confidence to become who they are meant to be? How can I instil in my daughters a respect for older generations? How can I encourage them to be curious and appreciative for the wisdom older people have acquired in their lifetime?

I think that like many things in life you start small. A couple of weeks ago I asked my father who will turn 80 in March, if he would take me and my 13 year old daughter to his father's land in Quebec to cut down a small Christmas tree. On the way there, three generations of people, my daughter (the Milliennial child), myself (the Gen X'er) and my father (the Great Depression generation) were having a lively conversation about Christmas traditions and memories.

"What do you want for Christmas?" my father asks my daughter. "I want a tablet" she says. "You want a chocolate bar? (tablette de chocolat)" my father replies with surprise in his voice. "No, I want a computerized tablet on which I can draw my Manga characters and save them directly onto the hard drive so that I can color them in electronically and use them in video clips." she explains. "Ahhh. I understand. I didn't know that kind of thing existed" my father says with a bit of wonder in his voice. You see, even though my dad is from the Great Depression era, he fell in love with computers in his fifties and is very knowledgeable about them. Computers are one of his greatest pastimes. He makes the most amazing three dimensional birthday cards using graphics that he designs on the computer. He photo shops our pictures and attaches our heads onto characters that depict us in situations that illustrate a momentous event in our life. His creative interpretations of our lives always make us smile and tug at our hearts. In some ways, my father has more in common with my daughter when it comes to computers than I do. Instead of being a communication obstacle between generations, the computer bridges the communication gap in my family. Isn't that wonderful?

What are some of the bridges that you can help build between the generations in your family or in your workplace?

Check out this video clip on Youtube about growing old. Very touching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz_TK8HEne4

In pursuit of eternal youth

In 1960's-1970's there was a radical change in social order. The adults lost their power to make the rules, young people took over that privilege. So says Diane Pacom, a well-known sociology professor at the University of Ottawa and a frequent guest on Radio Canada, and the conference circuits. On Friday morning I attended her presentation to a group of University of Ottawa retirees entitlted "Quand le boom fait face à son écho" (When the boom faces its echo).

Mme Pacom started by defining what it means to be considered "young". Being young means that you are under tutelage, someone else decides for you. Being young also means that you are not responsible or accountable for your actions.

Before the 1960's there was no "youth" per say from a societal point of view. You were either a child or an adult. Puberty marked the beginning of adulthood. You learned your trade on the farm or in the print shop and once you mastered it, you went to work. My dad who was a child of the Depression years worked to support his family at the age of 11. His mother, Fleurette, married my grandfather at the age of 17 and went on to raise eight kids. It is unthinkable that kids that age would have those kinds of responsibilities in this day and age isn't it?

But in the 1960's all that changed. Society started on its pursuit for eternal youthfulness. As Diane Pacom said, in the 1950's young girls aspired to be just like their mothers - playing at being a mom and learning to cook and clean just like her so they could be somebody's wife some day. Nowadays, mothers aspire to be like their daughters, chatting with them about their dating experiences (since over half of them are divorced), dressing in tight jeans and revealing tops, and getting Botox injections to erase the passage of time on their face.

When Mme Pacom started studying the phenomenon of youth in the 1980's, youth was defined as a period of 10 years between 14 years to 24 years. Today, sociologists consider that youth is a period spanning 30 years (!) between 14 years and 34 years.

Traditionally there were five markers that defined the passage from youth to adulthood:

1. End of Studies:
The end of studies marked a time when you had acquired the knowledge and know-how you needed to go forth in the world and succeed.

In the early 1950's, you finished your secondary at age 17 or 18 and started to work right away. Rare were those who went on to university. Girls aspired to a job as a secretary, a hairdresser or maybe a teacher. When they got married, they left their "careers" to take care of the children. Men had a much wider world of possibilities when it came to careers.

Today, most kids go to college or university after their secondary school. Many move on to doing Masters and Phd's. The "end" of studies comes much later in life.

Thanks to marketing companies and the consumer society it created, we are in a perpetual state of not "knowing".

We do not know how to eat: Depending on the diet of the day we are told to eliminate fats, eliminate carbohydrates, increase the proteins, add olive oil and flax seeds. Toss the vitamins E you bought a few years ago, now you need to beef up your consumption of vitamin D. Do you think our grandmothers worried about these kind of things?

We do not know how to breathe: We need to take yoga classes to reacquaint ourselves with our breath.

We do not know how to walk: The Running Room is making a fortune with their "Learn to Walk" clubs

We do not know how to live. We need life coaches to hold us by the hand to help us figure out our lives.

Today, we are never finished learning. We feel incompetent and unsure. We are told that we need expert advice on everything and anything.

2. When you get married.

The Baby Boomers rejected the tradition of marriage. Sexual experimentation starts younger and younger (I read a stat recently that said that in Quebec for example, the average age of the first sexual encounter is 14 years old). Living with rather than being married to seems to be the preferred trend. And for those of us who do get married, half the marriages end in the divorce.

3. When you choose a profession.

In my dad's era, you chose a career and it was for life. My dad was a biologist for 35 years working for the same organization that whole time. (In his early fifties, he went back to school to get a Masters in Human Sciences but that is another story)

In my case, (I'm a 1960's child) I rarely stayed in a job more than a few years. Four years is the longest I stayed in one job in the same organization. On average, I change jobs every couple of years.

According to Mme Pacom, today's youth see life as non-linear and fragmented. They live for the present moment, moving from one thing to another following what is their current passion. There is no such thing as choosing a career. They choose to explore an interest and follow it until something else comes along.

4. When we leave our parent's home.

We call today's parents, the "boomerang" parents. They send out their kids into the big wide world but they come back, come back, and come back again. There are many 35 year olds living in their parents basements these days, sometimes with their whole family in tow!

5. When we start a family.

The current trend is that women have babies later in life, once their studies are finished and they are established in their careers. On average women have babies in their late twenties and early thirties and there are more and more women having their first baby in their forties.


Diane Pacom argues that all these markers of the passage of youth to adulthood have disappeared in our society. Adults have lost their legitimacy and their authority. Youth, or youthfulness rules today.

"What is the solution? What can we do?" asked a teary-eyed participant at the end of Pacom's presentation. "I think we need too bring back humanity in our superficial consumer society. We need to find our self-respect again. Once, as adults, we become self-assured, we need to find it within ourselves to also respect our youth." Youth want to relate to us as equals. They act as if they could not care less about what we think but truly, they need our guidance. We just need to find the door that will let us in.

Diane Pacom received the 3M Teaching Fellowship award as an outstanding educator in 2004. Together with nine other recipients, she spent three days reflecting on what were the key ingredients to being an outstanding educator. It came down to just one thing: "Love them. Love them in the holistic sense of the word. When you are spending time with youth, you need to be totally there with them, your body, your mind and your spirit. Don't pretend that you are spending quality with your youth by going through the motions and still being preoccupied in your head with your kitchen list of things to do. Just BE there."

What do you think about all this? How does this apply to the workplace as well?

Me? Have fun? You're not serious!

Imagine that! It's possible to learn while having fun.

In 1940 a fellow by the name of John Gallo was fired from his job at Ford because he was "caught in the act of smiling." This was his second offence. He had slowed down the production line by half a minute while he was laughing with his colleagues a few weeks earlier. Poor guy: two strikes (not even three) and he was kicked out! Henry Ford, the owner of the Ford car manufacturing company believed that "When we are at work we ought to be at work. When we are at play we ought to be at play. There is no use trying to mix the two."

We have come a long way since then right? Well, it depends... This Friday I had a call from a client from a federal government department asking that I help them design and lead a two-days team-building retreat. There had been a lot of folks coming and going in the last six months and they needed to spend some time solidifying their team. I suggested that we start off by exploring personality types as a way to build stronger relationships. "No! That won't do!" Said my client. "We are scientists and we have no patience for frivolous activities. We are serious people with serious jobs to do." I replied, "I must have misunderstood your objectives for your retreat. I thought that the focus of this retreat was team-building so that is why I suggested that we start the session with an activity that would help people better understand themselves and their colleagues in a work setting. How do you define team-building then?" She said: "It is really straight-forward. There is a lot of work to do and some employees are not doing their fair share. What we need to do is make a list of all the work that has to be done and decide who will do what." Hum... I thought. I beg to differ. Making a list of responsibilities and dividing it up amongst all the employees will not necessarily resolve the underlying human issue of people not feeling engaged and committed to their work... How do you explain that to a scientist? It is not black or white. It is a complex shade of gray.

But sometimes I do get to work in true partnership with a client who has the courage to do things differently, a client who recognizes that work can be fun and fun can lead to positive learning experiences (thanks Mary!)

Earlier this week, I had a wonderful time facilitating a session on leadership and effective team-work in Bathurst, New Brunswick. My client asked me to design a day of play, filled with interactive activities that would help participants explore the themes of leadership and teamwork. I was very happy to oblige. It was such a nice break from the usual requests I get from clients such as strategic planning sessions and national consultations on science priorities.

So I put my creative hat on and designed a fun-filled day of learning. In the morning, we did some storytelling to share personal stories of leadership and identify the key attributes of a good leader. In the afternoon, I created a half Survivor half Amazing Race challenge in which five teams competed. There were mental challenges like "Name That Tune" and "Word puzzles". There were physical challenges like a hockey competition and an odd (read yucky) food challenge. There were also creativity challenges like a treasure hunt with a twist.

In between activities, I would quiz participants on what they were learning about leadership. They were learning a lot as it turns out:

In the treasure hunt activity how did you go about finding the 30 items? Did you have a strategy? Did someone take the lead to organize sub-teams or did you all look for all 30 items at the same time? What worked best? What were some of the tricky's? What would you do differently next time? How would you translate what you have learned from this experience to a real life team situation in your workplace?

Daniel Pink, author of the book A Whole New Mind claims that the "right-brainers" will rule the future. The right-brainers are the creative thinkers. Pink outlines six fundamental human abilities that are essential for professional success and personal fulfillment. They are design, story, symphony, empathy, meaning and PLAY.

The importance of play in work, business and personal well-being manifests itself in three ways: games, humor and joyfulness.

Games, particularly computer and video games, are used to teach whole-minded lessons to customers. For example, in the late 1990's the US army was struggling to boost recruitment. After observing the new cadets' obsession with video games, the Army decided that the best way to reach young people was through their leisure activities on Sony Play Stations, Xboxes and personal c0mputers. The US army developed a video game called America's Army and released it for free on their GoArmy.com Web site in the summer of 2002. The first weekend the demand was so great, that it crashed the Army's servers.

For those of us who have kids (and husbands) who spend countless hours exercising their fingers on computer keyboards playing video games, we should not despair. Research has demonstrated that playing video games can sharpen many skills such as an individual's visual perception, his or her ability to detect changes in the environment, concentration, problem-solving and even enchances productivity and job satisfaction.

Fabio Sala wrote an article in the Harvard Business Review stating that "Humor, used skill-fully greases the management wheels. It reduces hostility, deflects criticism, relieves tension, improves morale, and helps communicate difficult messages. A natural facility with humor is intertwined with, and appears to be, a marker for a much broader managerial trait: high emotional intelligence." (p.198-199, A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink).

Humor can be used positively or negatively in the workplace. Humor can be a cohesive force in a organization. As a facilitator, I am always encouraged when a group of people can laugh together because it usually means that team members have enough trust in each other to delve into difficult topics as well. However, humor, the black humor kind, can have the opposite effect. Rather than diffuse conflicts, black humor can reinforce workplace divisions and tensions and highlight workplace conflicts.

Joyfulness and laughter are social activities. There is strong evidence to show that people who have regular, satisfying connections to other people are healthier and happier.

People who can laugh together can work together. Laughter has more to do with relationships than jokes so don't fret if you are like me and often do not get the joke's punch line (It may be lost in translation: somehow when my French brain has finished translating the words from English, the funny part got lost along the way). If I feel comfortable with you, I am more likely to be myself and laugh along with you.

If you need more reasons to unbutton your starchy shirt collar and loosen up your tie (so to speak), research shows that laughing people are more creative and productive people. So what have you got to lose?

What do you say? Are you game (pardon the pun)? Can you find ways to inject a bit of fun and laughter in your workplace this week?

I am running out of time

Time. I don't have enough of it. I always seem to be running out of time no matter how much planning and multi-tasking I do...

I pride myself on being creative. And I have used this creativity many times to get a crazy list of responsibilities and errands done in one day. The internal conversation goes something like this: "On the way to dropping off my daughter to her part time job at 7:30 am on a Sunday morning (yep - no lazy mornings in this house, ever, it seems), I will drop off the overdue letters in the mailbox. On the way back, I will pick up some Tim Horton's for the rest of the family to speed up the breakfast routine. With the time I saved not cooking breakfast, I will sit at the computer and write my weekly blog. I should be finished writing the blog by 9:30 am and will go do my weekly 10 km run. On my run, I will take a detour to the video store to drop off the DVD's. When I'm back from my run, I will do a quick vacuum and clean up of the house before I leave to go clean up my mother-in-law's house who is too ill from the chemo treatments for her two forms of cancer to do it herself. On the way back from my in-law's, I will drop by the bank, return that item at the store and pick up my daughter who would have finished her shift at the cantine. That should leave me enough time to pack my suitcase and prepare my materials for my business trip tomorrow: I will be delivering three workshops back to back in three different cities in two different provinces." That is going to be my day today. Gosh. I'm exhausted just writing this down!

Yesterday, I had a booth at a Christmas Bazaar in a local senior's home. I make jewelery and Christmas decorations and I thought it may be a fun way to make a bit of pocket money for the Holidays. I was there from 7:30 am to 2:00 pm (a good chunk of time considering how hectic my life is these days) and I made a grand total of $34.00!!!! Not worth it at all. The bazaar was supposed to be open to the public and set up in the large commons room on the street level of the senior's home, but was relocated in the basement at the last minute. The only people that came, were the residents of the home. The only things that sold well were the hand knitted slippers, woolen shawls and the fruit cakes! It is almost funny isn't it?

I tried to see the positive side of things as I felt the anger (at myself) and disappointment rising inside of me while I was packing up all the unsold merchandise at the end of the day. "Well, it wasn't a complete waste of time. I met some nice people who do crafts like me. I did get to sit down and relax for a while..."

In the end, I think what that experience taught me was how our relationship with time changes with age. At the booth next to me, the lady who knitted all those slippers and shawls, (and made a small fortune selling them) kept saying to folks that knitting was a good way to pass the time. On the other side of me, there was a newly retired couple. The husband was there as moral support to his wife. He had nothing special planned for the day so he thought he might as well give her a hand. His wife said that making jewelery made the long days of February and March go by faster. She missed the hustle and bustle of her previous "life" as a decorator and designer for a big chain store so she found another way of expressing herself creatively through jewelery making. The elderly residents from the home came to the bazaar to pass the time. They said visiting the booths was a nice way to spend time on what would have been another long and boring Saturday.

All these folks seem to have too much time on their hands. Part of me was envious... I started wondering how I would feel when the kids have left home and I am retired. Given the speed at which I live my life now, would I be relieved and grateful for the extra time on my hands or bored out of my mind? One thing I know for sure is that I can't see myself being happy when buying a pair of woolen slippers is the highlight of my weekend!

So what do I take away from this experience? I really need to change to my attitude towards time.

When I was working full-time for government, I was crazy busy. In that environment, being busy often means that you are important and makes you feel indispensable. After some introspection, I had to admit to myself that being highly solicited flattered my ego. But my physical and mental health was suffering. I wanted more time. And more flexibility in my time. So I left government and started my own business. I have more flexibility now but I am just as busy, if not more. Why do I do this to myself? I just moved the problem around. I did not resolve it.

I want to take a long hard look at my relationship with time and make some real changes. My sense is that I will need to re-assess all the beliefs I have about time:

• Time is money
• I am getting older every day
• You can play only when the work is done
• Don't waste time doing "nothing"
• How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives
• No time like the present
• You may delay, but time will not.
• So little time and so much to do
  

It is 9:30 am. Time for my run. Got to go!

I think I could use a little coaching with this time obsession. Any suggestions?

Food for thought:

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Power of Words

I came across an interesting article in the October 2009 edition of the Oprah magazine. The author, Tim Jarvis, makes a case for the importance of the words we choose to convey our message. According to Jarvis, one little word can sometimes make the difference between action and inaction, between resentment and cooperation, between argument and understanding.

Giving Constructive Feedback:

"How do you give feedback without ruffling any feathers? I know it is important to let my staff, or my colleagues, know how they could improve their performance but I shy away from it. Giving feedback is awkward and it could get me into trouble." Many clients have asked me for advice on giving constructive feedback over the years.

Here are some of my pointers:

• Ask first: Don't assume that your feedback will be welcomed. The right thing to do is ask the person first if they would like to get some feedback from you. Get their permission and only then, proceed, with care.

• Use the "Like, Tricky and Do diff" model: Start by letting the other person empties his or her "cup" first. The person knows what they have done right and wrong so let them share with you their own perspective of how they did first. Once they have emptied their cup, they will be more receptive to what you have to offer as feedback. Start by saying what you liked about what they did. Then move on to the "trickys". A tricky does not necessarily mean something negative. A tricky can be something that was unclear, or misunderstood, or something that was missing. Finish by making some suggestions for improvement by giving tips on what could have been done differently (do diff's).

• Stick to the facts: When giving feedback try to describe in an objective way what you saw and heard rather than giving your interpretation of what you saw and heard. It makes a huge difference. One approach is factual and can be verified by other observers, the other is personalizes the feedback and much more difficult to defend.

• Do it with care: Ask yourself "How would I feel if I were standing in his or her shoes right now?" Do unto others, as you would like them to do unto you.

• Ask yourself why you want to give feedback in the first place: The only good reason to give feedback is to help the other individuals improve their performance. If you feel the need to give feedback to someone, make sure that your motivation is not personal. In other words, make sure that your desire to give feedback is not a disguise for your need to unload negative feelings.

• Choose the right time to give feedback: If someone has just finished a difficult presentation that went sour, giving them feedback as they exit the room will backfire. They will feel attacked rather than supported. Give them some time to process what just happened and approach them when they are in a more positive frame of mind.
  

Jarvis' one word trick for giving constructive feedback:

Rather that saying: "You did a nice job BUT the report needs to be finished."
Try: "you did a nice job AND the report needs to be finished."

The "but" negates the first part of the statement no matter how positive it is. When people hear the word "but" they are just waiting for the bad news.

Help change someone's behavior:

People believe that they can motivate others to change their behaviors. That is a myth. You can't motivate someone. Motivation needs to come from the inside. I can't motivate you. You have to motivate yourself. All you can do as a "change agent" is create the exterior conditions that could motivate a change.

According to Jarvis, one of the most common mistakes we make is to ask the other person to change for your sake: "If you really love me you will stop doing behavior "X" or "Can you fix this for "my" sake" please."

Jarvis' one word trick to encourage someone to change:

Rather than saying: "You will stop smoking for my sake"
Try: "Will you stop smoking for the sake our kids' health?"

Your loved one may resent your wanting to change his or her ways and refuse to change to prove a point. If you put the focus on a third party removes you from the equation and appeals to their "ideal" self - the one that does the right thing for the right reasons.

Presenting a problem to your boss:

There has been a lot of talk in the last few years in the federal government of "speaking truth to power." Excellent concept in theory... On the one hand, we all want to do the right thing and expose the truth for what it is. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

Somehow, it is much easier to talk about the irregularities and unfairness in our workplace around the coffee machine with colleagues. Complaining comes naturally to most of us. Blaming others is also a typical reflex. However it is quite another thing to actually tell the powers that be that something's got to change.

Jarvis' one word trick for speaking truth to power:

Rather than saying: "They have issues with the sales staff."
Try: "We have issues with the sales staff."

Replacing they with we can change your outlook and the viewpoint of others. Saying "we" suggests that we recognize that we are part of the solution to the problem.

Trying to make someone see your side:

Some words can be provocative. Once people hear certain words like "stupid", "dumb", or "un-professional" they stop listening to the intent of the comment. Instead, the emotions take over and their anger and resentment prevents them from understanding the intent of the message. Jarvis gives the example of a comment that President Obama made this summer when he was discussing the arrest of Henry Louis Gates Jr and said that the Cambridge police acted stupidly. That comment was inflammatory and created a lot of backlash.

Jarvis' one word trick for making people hear your message:

Rather than saying: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was stupid."
Try: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was not helpful."

Rather than labeling other's actions, convey the effect of those actions.

When I started studying coaching, my teacher recommended that I read the book by Dr. Matthew Budd entitled "You Are What You Say". Budd reminds us that the words we use create our reality. Words are like self-fulfilling prophecies. You get what you say you will get...

Have you ever noticed that?

• When you tell yourself you are tired you feel even more tired and out of sorts.
• When you repeat to yourself "I can do this", you usually can.
• When you say to your teacher "I am shy", she calls on you less often to answer a question or do a presentation in front of the class so you become even shyer.
• When you say to yourself "this will be a good day", it usually is.

This week I challenge you to pay attention to your words (often a reflection of your internal beliefs) and the impact they have on your everyday life.

I am curious. Please let me know what you found out

Love Is All You Need

I tried to find an uplifting subject for my blog this week. I really did. But in the end, there was no way around it, I needed to express my sadness. This week my father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer and his wife, my dear mother-in-law, had a surgical procedure to biopsy a cancerous tumor in her lung. She had to be hospitalized two days later for complications from that procedure. A good friend's father was hospitalized in Montreal and passed away three days later. The artistic director of my Community Theatre Troupe sent us an email this week to let us know that the Christmas play would not happen this year - she suffered a heart attack and is waiting for heart surgery. After having known for over two months, a very special friend decided to break the silence and let me in - he told me that he had been diagnosed with lymphoma. That was my week. Lot's of sadness and worry. It sure makes you reflect on the things you take for granted like time for example...

How do you deal with all that bad news at once? How do you manage to keep your spirits up? How do you console your loved ones - those who are grappling with illness and those who love them and suffer along with them? What is it that I can learn from all this?

Yesterday there was a fund raising event at our local Shopper's Drug Mart. In exchange for a money donation to help families in need at Christmas, you got a free mini-facial and a makeup application. Lee, the lady who did my makeup was a beautiful woman in her sixties with a warm heart. I don't know why, but somehow the conversation shifted from what the new makeup colors were for this season to her life story.

She said she had a difficult week. Her 60 year old brother-in-law had suddenly collapsed on October 31 from an aneurism. He was at the peak of his career and had just signed an 11 years lease for a brand new office. Seventeen years ago, on the same date, his young brother had passed away. Their 91 year old mother had buried two sons in her life-time.

Lee had to travel to Montreal to help with the funeral arrangements and attend the ceremony. She was burnt out by all the emotions and activity and had collapsed in her bed at 8:00 pm the night before for a 12 hours sleep. I empathized with her. I was feeling burnt out too and had also tried to escape all this week's worries in a long fretful sleep. Then, before I could stop myself, all my grief tumbled out. I shared with this stranger all my sad news.

Lee held my hand and said: "Listen, in the space of 6 years my 18 year old hockey playing son was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and required complicated surgeries. Two years later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and lost my left breast. Two years later my husband, an executive with a federal government department, had a burn-out, sank into a serious depression and had psychotic episodes for which he had to hospitalized. There were many times when I did not think I could survive another day. But I kept going. Today it is all behind me and I am happy. God does not give you more than you can handle. The suffering makes you stronger. I believe that." Not only does it make you stronger but it makes you more attuned to others who are suffering. Lee is giving back. She volunteers her time as a makeup artist for the "Look Good, Feel Better" initiative for cancer patients.

Here we were in the middle of a busy store having a moment of privileged connection. We hugged and we cried. For that moment, we forgot where we were - all the bustling and the noise - and time stopped. Two strangers, fellow human beings, sharing sorrow and understanding. And then the moment was gone. We joked that we had to change the topic quickly or else all the hard work Lee had done to apply my makeup would go to waste. She retouched the makeup, I made my purchases and we hugged one last time. I probably will never see her again but that doesn't matter... I left the store feeling lighter.

I felt grateful that Lee had been on my path that day to share her story. Human beings can be so incredibly resilient. We can get through the most difficult situations. It is a matter of persevering even when the going gets tough, believing that there is a bigger purpose, and most importantly staying hopeful. And of course, to quote the Beatles, "you get by with a little help from your friends"

When you really think about it "all you need is love" to get through those hard times . Even love from a stranger in a store can turn your world around. Thanks Lee!

The Beatles

Lennon/McCartney

From The Blue Album

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.