The Power of Words

I came across an interesting article in the October 2009 edition of the Oprah magazine. The author, Tim Jarvis, makes a case for the importance of the words we choose to convey our message. According to Jarvis, one little word can sometimes make the difference between action and inaction, between resentment and cooperation, between argument and understanding.

Giving Constructive Feedback:

"How do you give feedback without ruffling any feathers? I know it is important to let my staff, or my colleagues, know how they could improve their performance but I shy away from it. Giving feedback is awkward and it could get me into trouble." Many clients have asked me for advice on giving constructive feedback over the years.

Here are some of my pointers:

• Ask first: Don't assume that your feedback will be welcomed. The right thing to do is ask the person first if they would like to get some feedback from you. Get their permission and only then, proceed, with care.

• Use the "Like, Tricky and Do diff" model: Start by letting the other person empties his or her "cup" first. The person knows what they have done right and wrong so let them share with you their own perspective of how they did first. Once they have emptied their cup, they will be more receptive to what you have to offer as feedback. Start by saying what you liked about what they did. Then move on to the "trickys". A tricky does not necessarily mean something negative. A tricky can be something that was unclear, or misunderstood, or something that was missing. Finish by making some suggestions for improvement by giving tips on what could have been done differently (do diff's).

• Stick to the facts: When giving feedback try to describe in an objective way what you saw and heard rather than giving your interpretation of what you saw and heard. It makes a huge difference. One approach is factual and can be verified by other observers, the other is personalizes the feedback and much more difficult to defend.

• Do it with care: Ask yourself "How would I feel if I were standing in his or her shoes right now?" Do unto others, as you would like them to do unto you.

• Ask yourself why you want to give feedback in the first place: The only good reason to give feedback is to help the other individuals improve their performance. If you feel the need to give feedback to someone, make sure that your motivation is not personal. In other words, make sure that your desire to give feedback is not a disguise for your need to unload negative feelings.

• Choose the right time to give feedback: If someone has just finished a difficult presentation that went sour, giving them feedback as they exit the room will backfire. They will feel attacked rather than supported. Give them some time to process what just happened and approach them when they are in a more positive frame of mind.
  

Jarvis' one word trick for giving constructive feedback:

Rather that saying: "You did a nice job BUT the report needs to be finished."
Try: "you did a nice job AND the report needs to be finished."

The "but" negates the first part of the statement no matter how positive it is. When people hear the word "but" they are just waiting for the bad news.

Help change someone's behavior:

People believe that they can motivate others to change their behaviors. That is a myth. You can't motivate someone. Motivation needs to come from the inside. I can't motivate you. You have to motivate yourself. All you can do as a "change agent" is create the exterior conditions that could motivate a change.

According to Jarvis, one of the most common mistakes we make is to ask the other person to change for your sake: "If you really love me you will stop doing behavior "X" or "Can you fix this for "my" sake" please."

Jarvis' one word trick to encourage someone to change:

Rather than saying: "You will stop smoking for my sake"
Try: "Will you stop smoking for the sake our kids' health?"

Your loved one may resent your wanting to change his or her ways and refuse to change to prove a point. If you put the focus on a third party removes you from the equation and appeals to their "ideal" self - the one that does the right thing for the right reasons.

Presenting a problem to your boss:

There has been a lot of talk in the last few years in the federal government of "speaking truth to power." Excellent concept in theory... On the one hand, we all want to do the right thing and expose the truth for what it is. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

Somehow, it is much easier to talk about the irregularities and unfairness in our workplace around the coffee machine with colleagues. Complaining comes naturally to most of us. Blaming others is also a typical reflex. However it is quite another thing to actually tell the powers that be that something's got to change.

Jarvis' one word trick for speaking truth to power:

Rather than saying: "They have issues with the sales staff."
Try: "We have issues with the sales staff."

Replacing they with we can change your outlook and the viewpoint of others. Saying "we" suggests that we recognize that we are part of the solution to the problem.

Trying to make someone see your side:

Some words can be provocative. Once people hear certain words like "stupid", "dumb", or "un-professional" they stop listening to the intent of the comment. Instead, the emotions take over and their anger and resentment prevents them from understanding the intent of the message. Jarvis gives the example of a comment that President Obama made this summer when he was discussing the arrest of Henry Louis Gates Jr and said that the Cambridge police acted stupidly. That comment was inflammatory and created a lot of backlash.

Jarvis' one word trick for making people hear your message:

Rather than saying: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was stupid."
Try: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was not helpful."

Rather than labeling other's actions, convey the effect of those actions.

When I started studying coaching, my teacher recommended that I read the book by Dr. Matthew Budd entitled "You Are What You Say". Budd reminds us that the words we use create our reality. Words are like self-fulfilling prophecies. You get what you say you will get...

Have you ever noticed that?

• When you tell yourself you are tired you feel even more tired and out of sorts.
• When you repeat to yourself "I can do this", you usually can.
• When you say to your teacher "I am shy", she calls on you less often to answer a question or do a presentation in front of the class so you become even shyer.
• When you say to yourself "this will be a good day", it usually is.

This week I challenge you to pay attention to your words (often a reflection of your internal beliefs) and the impact they have on your everyday life.

I am curious. Please let me know what you found out