Birthdays - A Chance to Say "I Love You"

September is a busy month of celebrations for us. On the same day, September 17, we celebrate the birthday of my husband's grandfather (my adopted grandfather is now 103 years old!!!); my sister's husband Roly (who just turned 50), and my sister-in-law (who lives in Australia). Two days later, it is my nephew's birthday. (He sent us an email earlier this week asking us to come over for a birthday dinner because, as he put it "turning 12 years old is a big deal and I want to make sure all my family is there to celebrate".) A few days after that, it is my husband's birthday (who is impossible to buy for - he never needs or wants anything), my younger sister is the following day and my best friend is three days later.

This morning I was grumbling a bit. Twice this week I went out shopping for my long list of presents (almost felt like a Christmas list!) but still had not found the perfect gift for my brother-in-law. I wanted to get something extra special to commemorate his fiftieth birthday (maybe it is even more meaningful to me than most because I am just 9 months away from celebrating my 50th birthday too.) Roly, my brother-in-law loves blue herons. He has a growing collection of sculptures of herons in his home; he even has a heron tattooed on his back. During my travels in BC I saw many depictions of herons in Haida art and admired the raw energy of that type of art. I was determined to find either a Haida print or a stylized sculpture of a heron as a gift for Roly. I visited many stores but no luck. This morning I got up early and convinced my husband to have breakfast downtown as an excuse to make a special trip to Snow Goose, a store near the Parliament Building that specializes in Inuit and Native Canadian art. And there I found it, the perfect gift, a framed print of a heron perched on a Haida canoe by a BC artist. Eureka!

Now to put this little escapade to find the "perfect" gift in context, you need to know that I clocked 12-14 hour days this week working feverishly to meet ridiculously short deadlines on several projects and dealing with the many unexpected twists and turns that come from working with government departments these days. I did not have time to shop. Let alone dedicate half a day to driving downtown, search for an elusive parking spot and traipse over to this hard to get to store. But I am very happy I did. I can't wait to see Roly's reaction when he opens his gift at the big party tonight.

You see, turning 50 is a momentous occasion for Roly and because I care for him, his birthday is important to me as well. What gives significance to a birthday is not only a matter of how old you are becoming. Grandfather appreciated our visit yesterday but he did not want us to make a big fuss "I've had 103 birthdays. Too many if you ask me." Grandfather's birthday was more important to us, his family, than it was to him... On the other hand, my nephew can't wait to turn twelve. In his short life, 12 years old seems like a big milestone. Maybe it is significant because at twelve years old he can babysit for money and go to bed later than his brother and sister. Or maybe being twelve is important to my nephew because he decided that it was going to be a special year no matter what. Who knows? If it is important to him, it is important to us.

On your birthday you get to be the center of attention in your little circle of family and friends. It is the one day in the year that you can call your own. As I grow older, the ritual of marking the passing of one more year of life becomes more meaningful. It is not so much about the birthday cake and the gifts (although those are very nice), but about the opportunity a birthday provides to reflect on the year that has passed and make wishes for the year to come.

Every year on my birthday, I take the day off and spend time on my own (preferably outside, somewhere in nature) meditating on who I am becoming. I look back at the proud moments I've had during the year and the trials I have surmounted. What did I have to let go of? Limiting Ideas about myself or others? Old patterns? Personality traits that are tripping me up (see last week's post on perfectionism). Perhaps I even had to let go of dreams that had become stale or just did not fit me anymore. What do I choose to do now? Will I finally make some time to take dance lessons to bring a bit more fun and joy into my life? Will I find my way through my daughters' difficult teenage years? Will my husband and I finally book that trip to Greece we've been talking about for so many years? Will I spend more time nurturing my friendships?

I think that birthdays are the perfect time to do a bit of personal strategic planning. Where have I been? What are the values I hold dear? And where am I going? How will I unlock my potential and continue to grow?

Of course, birthdays are an ideal time to say "I love you" to your loved ones (we never say it enough) and... to say "I love you" to yourself.

In Praise of Simple

I admit it. I am a perfectionist. I want things to be just so and I drive myself crazy trying to achieve the impossible - perfection! Perfectionism has been a lifelong curse. I can see that now.

I never have a moment's peace. There is always something more I need to do to get things just right. There is always something else I have to do to attain the next goal. Perfectionism is a cruel task master. The quest for perfection is an endless quest.

As I grow older, I can I look at myself with more objective eyes. I know intellectually that perfectionism is a choice that I keep making day after day, moment after moment. Yes, I did say it is a choice that I make. A choice implies that there are other options. I have the option of downgrading my impossible standards and accepting something that is good enough rather than perfect.

So what is good enough? I did a bit of research and was surprised that there are actual theories out there about "good enough" such as:

• Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule): the law of the vital few, and the principle of factor sparsity states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

• KISS principle: KISS is an acronym for the design principle "Keep it simple, Stupid". Other variations include "keep it short and simple" or keep it simple and straightforward. The KISS principle states that simplicity should be a key goal in and that unnecessary complexity should be avoided.

• Occam's Razor principle: The popular interpretation of this principle is that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Simplest is not defined by the time or number of words it takes to express the theory; "simplest is really referring to the theory with the fewest new assumptions."

How can I apply these principles in my life? How can I learn to let go? How can I accept something that is less than perfect in my eyes for my own good and... for my own sanity.

For me, I think the easiest way to get to "good enough" is through simplicity. Simplicity is easy and effortless. In the name of simplicity, I might be more willing to let go of the long list of "shoulds" I impose on myself to realize the unattainable image of perfection I carry in my mind. Rather than channelling Martha Stewart for my next dinner party, maybe I could take a page from Jamie Oliver's, the Naked Chef, song book (or should I say "recipe" book!).

Some of my best dinner parties were impromptu get together with friends and neighbours, eating take-out pizza and a quick salad I concocted with the veggies we had in the fridge. The fun did not depend on crisp linen table clothes, fresh bouquet of flowers, my good china and sparkling cutlery. I had fun because I had no time to think about what perfection would look like if I was to orchestrate it so I just went with the flow.

And while we are on the topic of food, I have to put in a good word for Dairy Queen and grocery store bakeries. As my daughters were growing up, one the highlights of their birthday party was the birthday cake of course. Every year I would try to outdo myself. Cutting and icing the cake in the shape of Barney the purple dinosaur, a Barbie doll, or a Disney princess. As they grew older, they started requesting grocery store cakes with garish blue and purple icing and little toys stuck in the cake. Now that they are teens, they politely decline my offer to make a cake and ask that I pick up and ice cream cake at Dairy Queen instead. One less thing to do on my perfect birthday party "to do" list. Much easier that way.

This summer when we travelled to Cape Breton in Nova Scotia, we rented a cottage by the beach for a few days. While we were there, I had us running from one activity to another like a tour guide on Red Bull. I wanted our vacation to be perfect so I made sure that we didn't miss out on anything that the region had to offer: sea kayaking, hiking, biking, souvenir shopping and sea food sampling. As it turns out, one of my favourite memories of that trip was on the day we were leaving the cottage. I got up early in the morning, made some coffee and sat the balcony looking out at the ocean. My husband came to join me. We just sat there quietly enjoying the sun warming our faces and listening to the waves. I was content doing nothing...not a thing!

The little black dress is another ode to simplicity. More than once I have stressed over what to wear for a special occasion. I have spent countless hours shopping for just the right outfit, the right shoes, the right stockings, and the right jewellery just to have last minute doubts as I am dressing an hour before the event. That is why every woman needs a flattering "go everywhere" little black dress in her closet. A dress you can slip on in the spur of the moment and feel beautiful. No agonizing over fashion do's and dont's. Just put the dress on and go.

Dinner parties, vacation and fashion are one thing but seeking simplicity at work is another thing altogether for a staunch perfectionist. However, to my surprise, I actually can think of examples when simplicity gave better results than attempts at perfection.

The first strategic planning session I ever facilitated was a daunting task. The group was working towards getting ISO certified and had three recent failed attempts at getting consensus on a mission statement. They called me in to help. I felt unnerved, how could I possibly get them to consensus when they had failed to do so three times already?

So I did what the facilitation books say you should do in these situations: prepare, prepare and prepare. I spent a lot of time fact-finding, researching, planning, designing and redesigning, and came up with what I thought was a good process. But then the voice of doubt crept into my head "These people are all scientists, they will expect you to be logical, analytical and serious. They will expect you to have fancy overheads with bar graphs and pie charts. Your design is not good enough. You need to work harder at it." Thankfully reason prevailed in the end. I didn’t give a theoretical presentation of the organizational benefits of having a Strategic Plan and I did not rely on stats and graphs to make my point. Instead, I decided to be myself.

I came up with a design that would deliver the goods but also allowed me to be me: use of metaphors, storytelling, humour and lots of dialogue. My approach worked beautifully. People laughed, they started to relax with each other and we built enough trust in the group to hold frank and somewhat contentious conversations. Once every one had a chance to be heard, we were able to draft a mission statement that everyone could support.

I think that sometimes perfectionism masks a fear of not being enough. I hold a deep seated belief that if I just myself, it simply won't be good enough. So I throw myself into preparation, planning and doing in hope that I will not disappoint...others and myself!

Maybe the real answer to what is enough is "just be yourself." No artifice. No pretence. Just being. It is pretty simple after all.

Simplicity is freeing. Simplicity is the road out of the perfectionism jungle. Simplicity will bring me more happiness.

My mission for the next few months (before I officially enter my 50th year) is to seek simplicity anywhere and everywhere I go as I banish the perfectionist monster from my life.

Can you help me? How do you simplify your life?

What Kind of Fun Are You Having?

"Maman! Maman! Guess what I am doing with my new friends this Friday. We are going to dress in our favourite Manga characters and go the shopping centre!" said my daughter Maya excitedly one late afternoon when she came back from school. This week was her first week back to school, officially starting secondary in grade 9. On the first day of school, the city bus that is hired to take the kids to a downtown school didn't show (I was told by the School Board that it was a pressure tactic from the union of bus drivers who are upset with the current contract negotiations - can you believe it?). Maya was stranded at the transit station having to make her way to school using the regular bus routes. That is when she met her new friend; Jan. Maya had noticed Jan right away when she got on the bus that took them to the transit station because she was wearing Manga / Anime themed clothes and accessories. (Maya is obsessed with Manga: she watches Manga on the Internet, she draws the characters,her room is papered with Manga posters and her shelves are stuffed with Manga books and toys.) As it turns out, Jan goes to the same school as Maya and is a bit older than her. She took Maya under a wing and they made it school (although they had to transfer buses three times and did quite a bit of walking).

That chance encounter in a tricky situation was serendipity. Maya looked forward to going to school every day to spend lunch time and recess with her new friend and Jan's group of friends...all obsessed about Manga. This led to their grand plan to do Cosplay at the local shopping centre on a Friday night. Cosplay is short for "costume play". It is a type of performance art in which participants don costumes and accessories to represent a specific character from popular fiction in Japan such as Manga and Anime.

Given that all these girls go to a special school for the arts and have a natural knack for performance, I guess it makes sense that parading in cartoon character costumes in public places (when it is not even Halloween) is their idea of fun. Personally, Cosplay is not my idea of fun, but as a parent who is trying to "grow" with her children and expand my horizons, the least I can do is encourage my daughter to dare doing what appeals to her heart.

I am good at encouraging other to have fun but not so good at allowing me to have fun (see last week's blog about "play".)

Gretchen Rubin, who wrote the book The Happiness Project, says that "fun" falls into three categories: challenging fun; accommodating fun and relaxing fun. I like her descriptions of fun. They resonate with me.

Challenging fun is the most rewarding but also the most demanding. It takes time and energy to organize these types of fun activities and often requires running errands. Examples of challenging fun activities are organizing a baby shower for your best friend; coordinating the United Way campaign fund raising activities for your office; putting together a vacation memories binder with photos, maps and ticket stubs; or learning a new skill like playing a musical instrument.

Accommodating fun is less challenging but still requires a bit of effort. It is the kind of fun that you do to build relationships. Some examples of accommodating fun might be going to a family holiday dinner; spending a day at the Amusement Park with the kids; or going to the neighbour's 50th birthday party. For the longest time I felt guilty to admit publicly that building sand castles in the sand box with my young daughters was not something I had particularly enjoyed. Yes, it was pleasant, but I did it mostly because my daughters liked it. Now I can fess up and say that I was having some "accommodating fun" to strengthen my relationship with my daughter's and to create good memories.

Relaxing fun is the easiest kind of fun. You do not have to improve skills or even take action. There is no need to coordinate with other people or to prepare anything. Relaxing fun is passive. Relaxing fun is the art of just being. The most popular form of relaxing fun is watching TV. For me, reading a book; watching the waves of the ocean crash on the beach; stargazing or biking in the countryside are way more fun than watching TV.

Research shows that challenging fun and accommodating fun bring the most happiness over the long run because tap into what makes people the happiest: strong personal bonds, mastery and personal growth.

Yesterday, I had some relaxing fun just sitting on the porch of my mother's cottage overlooking a lake. I felt the warm breeze on my face, listened to the leaves of the trees dancing in the wind, watched the waves on the water. I had some challenging fun working on a PowerPoint presentation for a client using the Wizard of Oz as a backdrop to talk about leadership. I finished my day of fun with a bit of accommodating fun when I treated my daughter's friends to an impromptu pizza supper after they got drenched in the rain and had to stop their Cosplay adventure prematurely.

Recognizing that there are different types of fun - some that require time and effort and others that require that you put the needs of others ahead of yours - helps me get a healthy perspective on fun. Fun is not just fun and games. (Ha!) Fun is not necessarily effortless. Sometimes, having fun requires a bit of energy and dedication. Maybe there is hope for me yet. I already know how to work hard so maybe I can work not so hard and have fun in the process.

Can you come up with your own list of types of fun? I would love it if you could inspire me to have fun by sharing with me your own list of fun things to do. At this stage, learning about fun is still challenging fun for me...

Teach me how to play

I had just dropped off my daughter at her Kendo lesson (Japanese bamboo sword fighting) and was contemplating what I would do for the next hour and a half until it was time to pick her up.
In that end of town, there is a store that I like to visit. It is called Serendipity Books and Gifts. The sign on the door says "Happy discoveries by chance" and that has proven true for me over the years. More than once I have found just the right thing at the right time.

At the back of the store I heard a man's grovelling voice behind a screen. I saw a sign that announced that Brian was giving Tarot Card readings today, $15. for 15 minutes. I was intrigued. I went to the cash to chat with P.J. the shop's owner. I had not had a reading in ages and for some strange reason, I felt compelled to ask "Any chance I can see Brian today? Is he fully booked?" P.J. replied that as luck would have it, she had one last slot available an hour later so I took it.

The first card that Brian turned was a Two of Pentacles. "Spirit is telling you that you need to build more time for play in your life." Brian went on to explain "You have invested a lot of time and energy in setting up your business. You have been worrying about your ability to succeed in these tough economic times but it will be just fine. You are on the right path. It is time for you to enjoy life a bit more. Lighten up. Have some fun."

I guess this advice would be valuable for most people in this day and age but the importance of play really resonated with me. Play, or the lack of it in my life, has been weighing on my mind these last few months. This is going to sound silly but I am not sure that I know how to play.

I was one of those kids that acted more like an adult than a free-spirited child. It seems like I have been serious and responsible forever. My mother says that as a child I would cry often. It was not a whining cry or a cry of for attention. I cried because I was truly sad as if I was carrying the weight of the world. I repeated the same words over and over again "Pleure, pleure, vivie" (Sylvie is crying and crying) as big tears rolled down my cheeks. In many of my childhood pictures I am either crying or dead serious. Poor kid!

While my sisters invented all sorts of games where they pretended to be wild adventurers, pirates, nurses, animal trainers and restaurant chefs, I sat idly on the sidelines as an observer. My favorite past time was reading and pretending I had a class full of students that I was teaching as I wrote on the blackboard in our basement. My sisters would be cavorting outside, climbing trees, hanging upside down from the swings, spraying each other with the water hose squealing with laughter while I would sit quietly reading or staring into space thinking. Yes, I did wish that I could join them in their games but I did not know how...to play.

So here I am, almost fifty, still not knowing how to play. I can't help it, my mind is focused on the running "To Do" list of my life: do the dishes, do the laundry, do the groceries, drop off and pick up the kids, write the proposal, write the report, work on the website, etc. I play this little game with myself. I declare that once the work is done, I will have time for play. But as you know, the work is never done. I think that my biggest challenge is to give myself permission to get off the merry-go-round of activities even though there is still work to be done. Maybe, to start with, I actually need to schedule some play time. Maybe, I need to enlist the help of loved ones who are good at making time to play...like my husband for example. Maybe, I need to not make play a goal to attain but simply a state of being.

While we were on vacation in Cape Breton, we went on a whale watching boat tour. The boat captain warned us that because there was a strong north wind and lots of waves, it was hard to spot the whales. In the early afternoon tour, they had not spotted a single one. He gave us the option of coming back another day free of charge. Everyone stayed on the boat hoping that we would be luckier than the last group. After close to two hours of scanning the waves for whales with no luck, the captain turned the boat around and headed for port. We all felt deflated. The sun was shining and the coastal scenery of the Cape Breton Highlands was awe inspiring but...we had not seen any whales. All of a sudden, a black form jumped out of the waves to our right. The captain cranked the motor and headed towards the whale. It jumped again. We all ran over to that side and pointed our fingers towards the whale excitedly. The children were squealing with delight. The adults were just as pleased but less exuberant. Many tried to capture the moment on camera and shot hundreds of pictures (my husband has 20 minutes of video showing mostly waves with the odd black fin popping out for a few seconds!) A little girl next to me said to her mother that watching the whales was even better than the shows at Walt Disney World!

We got lucky. We found a pod of pilot whales and followed them for a good half hour. We saw at least three dozen whales. At one point, they were surrounding the boat and we could see them from all angles. There was a baby whale that jumped alongside its mother in perfect unison. They were such a joy to watch. Every time I saw them jump, my heart smiled and skipped a beat. We even saw a school of dolphins making perfect arches above the waves three and four at a time. Nature gifted us with a rare sight.

Maybe nature can teach me something about play. The whales do not worry about balancing work with play. Every day brings its share of work - looking for food - and play - frolicking with friends and family. They just follow their heart's desires. There is no daily agenda. No mission statement. No strategic plan. No guilt. The work and the play just happen...all in good time.

Epilogue:

I guess writing this blog has inspired me. I just came back from "playing" outside.

It is the end of August and we are in the midst of a heat wave. It was 36 degrees with the Humidex factor today. It is Sunday but I have been working on my computer most of the day. I wanted to go out for a bike ride today but there was too much work to get done so I kept postponing it. When I looked out the window from my office, I noticed that the sun was beginning to set. I was just a few lines short of finishing my blog. It will be too late for a bike ride by the time I finish I thought sadly, or...maybe not! I dropped everything, quickly pulled on some workout clothes and got my bike out of the garage. The sky was streaked with pink ribbons. The air was mild with still a tinge of the day's heat. I could smell the sweet scent of the clovers in the field. I decided to tack on a couple of extra kilometres to my route even though it was beginning to get dark. I "raced" home so I could make it before it got completely dark. I accelerated my pace, pushing my limits. I felt my heart pumping and the wind on my face. And I smiled. I was having fun, without even planning to!

Seize the day

I have been reading a book entitled The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The author had an epiphany one rainy afternoon as she was riding the city bus: ״The days are long, but the years are short. Time is passing, and I'm not focusing enough on the things that really matter. ״Rubin decides then and there that happiness would be her new life project for the next twelve months. She focused to improve her life as it was - no exotic trips, no impulsive change of job or change of life-partner. Rubin wanted to cultivate happiness in her own backyard. Every month she boldly tackled a new set of resolutions that were key to her leading a happier life. The book recounts her adventures and the lessons learned, some surprising, and others predictable but comforting.

The book had been calling to me for a couple of months now. Every time I went to the bookstore (which is quite often - books are one of my favourite things!) my eyes always spotted the blue cover of The Happiness Project book. I would pick it up, look at the back cover and the inside cover and think. ״Wow, this is cool. I wish I had the guts to do the same thing. ״Then I would put the book back on the shelf with a sigh. For some odd reason, a week ago I saw The Happiness Project book again, picked it up and marched right to the cash. I purchased the book without a second thought. I guess, I was finally ready to read it and absorb the lessons...

The book is inspiring me to seek more occasions to be happy or would it be more accurate to say that I am now looking at my life with a different pair of eyeglasses? Rather than creating new reasons to be happy, I am appreciating more the key ingredients to happiness that are already in my life. Sadly, I think that I have become numb to the little joys of my life. I take them for granted. I don't really taste my cup of freshly ground coffee in the morning, or smell my luxurious mango scented shower gel or feel my husband's hugs with all my senses. I am blessed. I have so many things to be thankful for but I forget to acknowledge all the goodness in my life.

When I was away in Victoria (BC) in July, I got reacquainted with the carefree Sylvie is passionate and has a zest for life. I had missed her so much. It is great fun to hang out with her. The vacation Sylvie is so funny and playful. She has an adventurous spirit and is unafraid. On the last day of my trip, I was feeling sad. I realized that I did not want to go home and that scared me a little until I recognized that what I was dreading the most was who I become at home. The home and work Sylvie is stern. She is a task-master and a party-pooper. She has an endless ״ To Do״ list and does not feel good until every item has been scratched off the list (which, by the way, is NEVER!). She can't rest because there is always work to do. If, by any chance, a loved one manages to drag her off to have some fun somewhere, there is a part of her that stays behind worrying about the stuff she needs to do.

Even though I am aware that I have a split personality (I guess that is partly due to the fact that I am a Gemini...) and that every time I return home from a trip I resolve to have the vacation Sylvie become friends with the home Sylvie, things don`t change much.

So that is why when my good friend Mandy phoned yesterday and said ״Hey Sylvie, Brenda and I were thinking of going to the Island this evening and watch the sun set. There is a astronomical phenomenon occurring right now. About 45 minutes after sunset, you can see a planetary triple play starring Venus, Saturn and Mars. We can just hang out and chat and watch the stars come out. What do you say? Want to come join us? ״

I am thinking: ״This is absurd. Why would I want to sit on a beach to wait for stars to pop out in the sky! It is a waste of time. I am tired. I just want to stay home and catch up doing the laundry. My husband Ed came to the rescue and convinced me to go: If nothing else, you will get some fresh air and some quality time with your friends. We should go. ״

Gretchen Rubin`s words were resonating in my head ״Act the way you want to feel. Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact we often feel because of the way act. ״ Research has shown that if people put a smile on their face (even if it feels artificial at first), the act of smiling will bring about happier emotions.

If in fact I was truly committed to becoming happier and bringing more of the vacation Sylvie into my everyday life then I needed to say an enthusiastic YES to Mandy's invitation. I have to admit that I could not muster much enthusiasm at first and I grumbled all the way there. Poor Ed who has to put up with my sour puss moods!

Once I got to the beach and saw the smiles on friends faces I started to mellow a bit. I liked the feel of the soft sand beneath my feet and the colourful hues of the sky as the sun was setting. We found some rocks to sit on that still felt warm from the rays of the sun they had absorbed during the day. We settled in, five adults well passed their forties and a couple of teenage boys who came along for the ride, snacking on chips and chatting. We were waiting in anticipation for the planets to show themselves. My husband had a fancy IPhone application that showed us the night sky and the location of the planets from where we were standing and we kept scanning the sky. We shared the binoculars back and forth. We patiently waited for night to settle and for the stars to appear. Meanwhile we enjoyed watching the waves make their way to the shore, the seagulls diving into the water to catch a fish, the blue heron's majestic flight as it searched for the best spot to catch his dinner. Time slowed down. We adjusted our rhythm to nature's rhythm. We were content just being a witness. After a while I realized that I felt at peace and content. I named that feeling: I was feeling happy...

One of the exercises I have done while reading the book is create a master list of the things that bring joy to my life. On the left margin of a sheet of paper I wrote vertically all the letters of the alphabet, A to Z. Then I started listing all the things that start with the letter A that bring me happiness like Art, angels, and antiques. Some letters like U and Z were tricky, but I managed to find at least one thing for each letter. It was a fun activity that made we more aware of the reasons I have to be happy. I keep thinking of new things and add them to the list. Creating the list has made me more conscious to the happiness in my life. I mentally check off an item from the list when I recognize it in my everyday life. This helps me be more mindful and grateful for what I have.

I will be away on vacation for the next couple of weeks travelling to the east coast to commune with the Atlantic Ocean so I will not write again until August 29. In the meantime, I challenge you to create your own happiness list. Please let me know what you find out about yourself in the process.

We Are All Teachers

I just spent a glorious week in Victoria, British Columbia, learning a new tool based on Temperament Theory with Janice Parviainen. Janice is the author of a book entitled A Courage to Love Yourself and the creator of a series of cards and didactic tools that accompany the learner on their personal journey. I first met Janice in May at a weekend retreat in Port Perry (Ontario) to become A Courage to Love Yourself Circle Master. Since then, she has become a very dear friend, a sister of the soul.

Back in May our relationship was straightforward, Janice was my teacher and I was her student. As time goes by, our relationship is starting to shift and expand. There has been times when I have been the teacher and she has been the student.

Janice has an interesting theory about this. She believes that every human being goes through three stages of life: mystery, mastery and mysticism.

In youth we stumble around the Mystery stage. We are inherently curious and much more courageous when we are young. We have an appetite for life. We explore what life has to offer like travellers on a jungle hike. We clear a path for ourselves through the thick vegetation, noticing along the way the vivid colors and smells, befriending the animals, encountering dangers. In order to survive, we quickly learn to distinguish between what feels right and what doesn't. Through trial and error, we discover our strengths and our inherent skills and abilities. Because we all desire being good at something, we start investing our time and energy in developing mastery in our unique skills sets.

I have witnessed that phenomenon as I watched my two daughters grow up. To supplement their academic learning, we have introduced the girls to all sorts of activities: music, dancing, soccer, ringette, arts and crafts, skating, skiing, martial arts, etc. My eldest daughter Nadia discovered at age 10 that she loved playing the flute and is now enlisted in university to major in music. My youngest daughter Maya loves drawing and always seems to have her sketch book with her everywhere she goes. She borrows “how to” books from the library and takes “lessons” from more experienced artists who post video clips on YouTube. She draws incessantly. The walls of her room are papered with close to a hundred of her drawings.

In the Mastery stage we are willing to invest some time and effort into our learning. We are even willing to ask for help to learn. No one is telling us to study or practice. We WANT to. We do it because we are internally motivated to build, polish and even surpass the initial sets of abilities we were gifted with at our birth. The motivation is to become better simply because we know we have the potential to be better. There is great personal satisfaction in seeing an innate ability grow and flourish. Much like a seed of potential planted in the fertile ground of our being that we encourage to grow with love and attention.

Mastery then transcends into Mysticism through the act of teaching and mentoring. When one has achieved mastery in an area, others will seek them out as teachers. When we are asked to teach others we delve even deeper into our field of expertise and as a result we become even more skilled and knowledgeable. There is a saying that goes, “If you really want to learn something, teach it.”

When a student asks you to become their teacher, they are honouring you. In effect, they are saying “I see something in you that I admire and respect and I want to learn from you.” The relationship between a student and a teacher is a two-way street. Every teacher needs a student so they can both experience a deeper learning. When a student appears, the teacher’s passion in his/her field of expertise is reignited. The student’s thirst for new knowledge challenges the teacher to go deeper into their own learning. In turn, the student shares his/her knowledge and unique perspective with the teacher. Together they grow and expand the boundaries of what they know. The learning is inter-connected. The student and the teacher are inter-connected. Everything and everyone are inter-connected. With this realization begins the Mystic stage...

At what stage are you? Don't be shy. Admit it. You are at the Mystic stage if you are reading this.

Be courageous.

Reach out to someone and offer them a moment of teaching from your book of life. You do not need to be a music virtuoso, a nuclear physicist, or an NHL star hockey player to have something to teach. There is no need for academic credentials, framed diplomas on your wall, letters after your name, or impressive titles on your business card. Do not discredit what you know as inconsequential or trivial. We all have important lessons to teach. We all have important lessons to learn from one another.

A boss can learn from his / her administrative assistant. An elder can learn from a child. A company CEO can learn from a street person. A parent can learn from a son or daughter. A teacher most definitely can learn from a student. I know this for a fact because I have witnessed it in my own life.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey."

Share freely who you are and share what you know. The world will be a better place as a result. That is what we are here to do – LEARN.

Life is a mission

As I was driving by a church in my neighbourhood I saw a sign that said: "Make your life a mission, not an intermission."

A simple statement yet very powerful at the same time.

One thing I know for sure is that I am here, on this lovely planet, for a purpose. I am grateful that, with age and experience, I have come to know how I can make a difference in the world. Every twist and turn of my life has prepared me for what I need to do now.

I used to have many personas, the Sylvie at work, the Sylvie at home, the Sylvie with the extended family, and the Sylvie at rest (whom you very rarely saw...) I am happy to say that more and more who I am and how I present myself to the world are the one and the same. That is what I call being authentic.

Recently, I did an exercise to select my top 3 values. I sorted and sifted through a deck of cards containing hundred of value words. It was really tough to get it down to my top three. Authenticity is one of my core life values. Interestingly enough, I think that helping people find and express their authentic selves is also my life mission.

I see my life purpose as creating openings for people's spirits to emerge and flourish.

Have you reflected on the big "Why am I here" question lately...or ever? Is the life you are living in congruence with your own unique "why"? Or has life been a long intermission up to now. Just going along for the ride? To paraphrase Dr. Phil, "How is that working for you?"

I will be away on a business trip for a while - next posting will be the week of July 25.