In pursuit of eternal youth

In 1960's-1970's there was a radical change in social order. The adults lost their power to make the rules, young people took over that privilege. So says Diane Pacom, a well-known sociology professor at the University of Ottawa and a frequent guest on Radio Canada, and the conference circuits. On Friday morning I attended her presentation to a group of University of Ottawa retirees entitlted "Quand le boom fait face à son écho" (When the boom faces its echo).

Mme Pacom started by defining what it means to be considered "young". Being young means that you are under tutelage, someone else decides for you. Being young also means that you are not responsible or accountable for your actions.

Before the 1960's there was no "youth" per say from a societal point of view. You were either a child or an adult. Puberty marked the beginning of adulthood. You learned your trade on the farm or in the print shop and once you mastered it, you went to work. My dad who was a child of the Depression years worked to support his family at the age of 11. His mother, Fleurette, married my grandfather at the age of 17 and went on to raise eight kids. It is unthinkable that kids that age would have those kinds of responsibilities in this day and age isn't it?

But in the 1960's all that changed. Society started on its pursuit for eternal youthfulness. As Diane Pacom said, in the 1950's young girls aspired to be just like their mothers - playing at being a mom and learning to cook and clean just like her so they could be somebody's wife some day. Nowadays, mothers aspire to be like their daughters, chatting with them about their dating experiences (since over half of them are divorced), dressing in tight jeans and revealing tops, and getting Botox injections to erase the passage of time on their face.

When Mme Pacom started studying the phenomenon of youth in the 1980's, youth was defined as a period of 10 years between 14 years to 24 years. Today, sociologists consider that youth is a period spanning 30 years (!) between 14 years and 34 years.

Traditionally there were five markers that defined the passage from youth to adulthood:

1. End of Studies:
The end of studies marked a time when you had acquired the knowledge and know-how you needed to go forth in the world and succeed.

In the early 1950's, you finished your secondary at age 17 or 18 and started to work right away. Rare were those who went on to university. Girls aspired to a job as a secretary, a hairdresser or maybe a teacher. When they got married, they left their "careers" to take care of the children. Men had a much wider world of possibilities when it came to careers.

Today, most kids go to college or university after their secondary school. Many move on to doing Masters and Phd's. The "end" of studies comes much later in life.

Thanks to marketing companies and the consumer society it created, we are in a perpetual state of not "knowing".

We do not know how to eat: Depending on the diet of the day we are told to eliminate fats, eliminate carbohydrates, increase the proteins, add olive oil and flax seeds. Toss the vitamins E you bought a few years ago, now you need to beef up your consumption of vitamin D. Do you think our grandmothers worried about these kind of things?

We do not know how to breathe: We need to take yoga classes to reacquaint ourselves with our breath.

We do not know how to walk: The Running Room is making a fortune with their "Learn to Walk" clubs

We do not know how to live. We need life coaches to hold us by the hand to help us figure out our lives.

Today, we are never finished learning. We feel incompetent and unsure. We are told that we need expert advice on everything and anything.

2. When you get married.

The Baby Boomers rejected the tradition of marriage. Sexual experimentation starts younger and younger (I read a stat recently that said that in Quebec for example, the average age of the first sexual encounter is 14 years old). Living with rather than being married to seems to be the preferred trend. And for those of us who do get married, half the marriages end in the divorce.

3. When you choose a profession.

In my dad's era, you chose a career and it was for life. My dad was a biologist for 35 years working for the same organization that whole time. (In his early fifties, he went back to school to get a Masters in Human Sciences but that is another story)

In my case, (I'm a 1960's child) I rarely stayed in a job more than a few years. Four years is the longest I stayed in one job in the same organization. On average, I change jobs every couple of years.

According to Mme Pacom, today's youth see life as non-linear and fragmented. They live for the present moment, moving from one thing to another following what is their current passion. There is no such thing as choosing a career. They choose to explore an interest and follow it until something else comes along.

4. When we leave our parent's home.

We call today's parents, the "boomerang" parents. They send out their kids into the big wide world but they come back, come back, and come back again. There are many 35 year olds living in their parents basements these days, sometimes with their whole family in tow!

5. When we start a family.

The current trend is that women have babies later in life, once their studies are finished and they are established in their careers. On average women have babies in their late twenties and early thirties and there are more and more women having their first baby in their forties.


Diane Pacom argues that all these markers of the passage of youth to adulthood have disappeared in our society. Adults have lost their legitimacy and their authority. Youth, or youthfulness rules today.

"What is the solution? What can we do?" asked a teary-eyed participant at the end of Pacom's presentation. "I think we need too bring back humanity in our superficial consumer society. We need to find our self-respect again. Once, as adults, we become self-assured, we need to find it within ourselves to also respect our youth." Youth want to relate to us as equals. They act as if they could not care less about what we think but truly, they need our guidance. We just need to find the door that will let us in.

Diane Pacom received the 3M Teaching Fellowship award as an outstanding educator in 2004. Together with nine other recipients, she spent three days reflecting on what were the key ingredients to being an outstanding educator. It came down to just one thing: "Love them. Love them in the holistic sense of the word. When you are spending time with youth, you need to be totally there with them, your body, your mind and your spirit. Don't pretend that you are spending quality with your youth by going through the motions and still being preoccupied in your head with your kitchen list of things to do. Just BE there."

What do you think about all this? How does this apply to the workplace as well?

Me? Have fun? You're not serious!

Imagine that! It's possible to learn while having fun.

In 1940 a fellow by the name of John Gallo was fired from his job at Ford because he was "caught in the act of smiling." This was his second offence. He had slowed down the production line by half a minute while he was laughing with his colleagues a few weeks earlier. Poor guy: two strikes (not even three) and he was kicked out! Henry Ford, the owner of the Ford car manufacturing company believed that "When we are at work we ought to be at work. When we are at play we ought to be at play. There is no use trying to mix the two."

We have come a long way since then right? Well, it depends... This Friday I had a call from a client from a federal government department asking that I help them design and lead a two-days team-building retreat. There had been a lot of folks coming and going in the last six months and they needed to spend some time solidifying their team. I suggested that we start off by exploring personality types as a way to build stronger relationships. "No! That won't do!" Said my client. "We are scientists and we have no patience for frivolous activities. We are serious people with serious jobs to do." I replied, "I must have misunderstood your objectives for your retreat. I thought that the focus of this retreat was team-building so that is why I suggested that we start the session with an activity that would help people better understand themselves and their colleagues in a work setting. How do you define team-building then?" She said: "It is really straight-forward. There is a lot of work to do and some employees are not doing their fair share. What we need to do is make a list of all the work that has to be done and decide who will do what." Hum... I thought. I beg to differ. Making a list of responsibilities and dividing it up amongst all the employees will not necessarily resolve the underlying human issue of people not feeling engaged and committed to their work... How do you explain that to a scientist? It is not black or white. It is a complex shade of gray.

But sometimes I do get to work in true partnership with a client who has the courage to do things differently, a client who recognizes that work can be fun and fun can lead to positive learning experiences (thanks Mary!)

Earlier this week, I had a wonderful time facilitating a session on leadership and effective team-work in Bathurst, New Brunswick. My client asked me to design a day of play, filled with interactive activities that would help participants explore the themes of leadership and teamwork. I was very happy to oblige. It was such a nice break from the usual requests I get from clients such as strategic planning sessions and national consultations on science priorities.

So I put my creative hat on and designed a fun-filled day of learning. In the morning, we did some storytelling to share personal stories of leadership and identify the key attributes of a good leader. In the afternoon, I created a half Survivor half Amazing Race challenge in which five teams competed. There were mental challenges like "Name That Tune" and "Word puzzles". There were physical challenges like a hockey competition and an odd (read yucky) food challenge. There were also creativity challenges like a treasure hunt with a twist.

In between activities, I would quiz participants on what they were learning about leadership. They were learning a lot as it turns out:

In the treasure hunt activity how did you go about finding the 30 items? Did you have a strategy? Did someone take the lead to organize sub-teams or did you all look for all 30 items at the same time? What worked best? What were some of the tricky's? What would you do differently next time? How would you translate what you have learned from this experience to a real life team situation in your workplace?

Daniel Pink, author of the book A Whole New Mind claims that the "right-brainers" will rule the future. The right-brainers are the creative thinkers. Pink outlines six fundamental human abilities that are essential for professional success and personal fulfillment. They are design, story, symphony, empathy, meaning and PLAY.

The importance of play in work, business and personal well-being manifests itself in three ways: games, humor and joyfulness.

Games, particularly computer and video games, are used to teach whole-minded lessons to customers. For example, in the late 1990's the US army was struggling to boost recruitment. After observing the new cadets' obsession with video games, the Army decided that the best way to reach young people was through their leisure activities on Sony Play Stations, Xboxes and personal c0mputers. The US army developed a video game called America's Army and released it for free on their GoArmy.com Web site in the summer of 2002. The first weekend the demand was so great, that it crashed the Army's servers.

For those of us who have kids (and husbands) who spend countless hours exercising their fingers on computer keyboards playing video games, we should not despair. Research has demonstrated that playing video games can sharpen many skills such as an individual's visual perception, his or her ability to detect changes in the environment, concentration, problem-solving and even enchances productivity and job satisfaction.

Fabio Sala wrote an article in the Harvard Business Review stating that "Humor, used skill-fully greases the management wheels. It reduces hostility, deflects criticism, relieves tension, improves morale, and helps communicate difficult messages. A natural facility with humor is intertwined with, and appears to be, a marker for a much broader managerial trait: high emotional intelligence." (p.198-199, A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink).

Humor can be used positively or negatively in the workplace. Humor can be a cohesive force in a organization. As a facilitator, I am always encouraged when a group of people can laugh together because it usually means that team members have enough trust in each other to delve into difficult topics as well. However, humor, the black humor kind, can have the opposite effect. Rather than diffuse conflicts, black humor can reinforce workplace divisions and tensions and highlight workplace conflicts.

Joyfulness and laughter are social activities. There is strong evidence to show that people who have regular, satisfying connections to other people are healthier and happier.

People who can laugh together can work together. Laughter has more to do with relationships than jokes so don't fret if you are like me and often do not get the joke's punch line (It may be lost in translation: somehow when my French brain has finished translating the words from English, the funny part got lost along the way). If I feel comfortable with you, I am more likely to be myself and laugh along with you.

If you need more reasons to unbutton your starchy shirt collar and loosen up your tie (so to speak), research shows that laughing people are more creative and productive people. So what have you got to lose?

What do you say? Are you game (pardon the pun)? Can you find ways to inject a bit of fun and laughter in your workplace this week?

I am running out of time

Time. I don't have enough of it. I always seem to be running out of time no matter how much planning and multi-tasking I do...

I pride myself on being creative. And I have used this creativity many times to get a crazy list of responsibilities and errands done in one day. The internal conversation goes something like this: "On the way to dropping off my daughter to her part time job at 7:30 am on a Sunday morning (yep - no lazy mornings in this house, ever, it seems), I will drop off the overdue letters in the mailbox. On the way back, I will pick up some Tim Horton's for the rest of the family to speed up the breakfast routine. With the time I saved not cooking breakfast, I will sit at the computer and write my weekly blog. I should be finished writing the blog by 9:30 am and will go do my weekly 10 km run. On my run, I will take a detour to the video store to drop off the DVD's. When I'm back from my run, I will do a quick vacuum and clean up of the house before I leave to go clean up my mother-in-law's house who is too ill from the chemo treatments for her two forms of cancer to do it herself. On the way back from my in-law's, I will drop by the bank, return that item at the store and pick up my daughter who would have finished her shift at the cantine. That should leave me enough time to pack my suitcase and prepare my materials for my business trip tomorrow: I will be delivering three workshops back to back in three different cities in two different provinces." That is going to be my day today. Gosh. I'm exhausted just writing this down!

Yesterday, I had a booth at a Christmas Bazaar in a local senior's home. I make jewelery and Christmas decorations and I thought it may be a fun way to make a bit of pocket money for the Holidays. I was there from 7:30 am to 2:00 pm (a good chunk of time considering how hectic my life is these days) and I made a grand total of $34.00!!!! Not worth it at all. The bazaar was supposed to be open to the public and set up in the large commons room on the street level of the senior's home, but was relocated in the basement at the last minute. The only people that came, were the residents of the home. The only things that sold well were the hand knitted slippers, woolen shawls and the fruit cakes! It is almost funny isn't it?

I tried to see the positive side of things as I felt the anger (at myself) and disappointment rising inside of me while I was packing up all the unsold merchandise at the end of the day. "Well, it wasn't a complete waste of time. I met some nice people who do crafts like me. I did get to sit down and relax for a while..."

In the end, I think what that experience taught me was how our relationship with time changes with age. At the booth next to me, the lady who knitted all those slippers and shawls, (and made a small fortune selling them) kept saying to folks that knitting was a good way to pass the time. On the other side of me, there was a newly retired couple. The husband was there as moral support to his wife. He had nothing special planned for the day so he thought he might as well give her a hand. His wife said that making jewelery made the long days of February and March go by faster. She missed the hustle and bustle of her previous "life" as a decorator and designer for a big chain store so she found another way of expressing herself creatively through jewelery making. The elderly residents from the home came to the bazaar to pass the time. They said visiting the booths was a nice way to spend time on what would have been another long and boring Saturday.

All these folks seem to have too much time on their hands. Part of me was envious... I started wondering how I would feel when the kids have left home and I am retired. Given the speed at which I live my life now, would I be relieved and grateful for the extra time on my hands or bored out of my mind? One thing I know for sure is that I can't see myself being happy when buying a pair of woolen slippers is the highlight of my weekend!

So what do I take away from this experience? I really need to change to my attitude towards time.

When I was working full-time for government, I was crazy busy. In that environment, being busy often means that you are important and makes you feel indispensable. After some introspection, I had to admit to myself that being highly solicited flattered my ego. But my physical and mental health was suffering. I wanted more time. And more flexibility in my time. So I left government and started my own business. I have more flexibility now but I am just as busy, if not more. Why do I do this to myself? I just moved the problem around. I did not resolve it.

I want to take a long hard look at my relationship with time and make some real changes. My sense is that I will need to re-assess all the beliefs I have about time:

• Time is money
• I am getting older every day
• You can play only when the work is done
• Don't waste time doing "nothing"
• How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives
• No time like the present
• You may delay, but time will not.
• So little time and so much to do
  

It is 9:30 am. Time for my run. Got to go!

I think I could use a little coaching with this time obsession. Any suggestions?

Food for thought:

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Power of Words

I came across an interesting article in the October 2009 edition of the Oprah magazine. The author, Tim Jarvis, makes a case for the importance of the words we choose to convey our message. According to Jarvis, one little word can sometimes make the difference between action and inaction, between resentment and cooperation, between argument and understanding.

Giving Constructive Feedback:

"How do you give feedback without ruffling any feathers? I know it is important to let my staff, or my colleagues, know how they could improve their performance but I shy away from it. Giving feedback is awkward and it could get me into trouble." Many clients have asked me for advice on giving constructive feedback over the years.

Here are some of my pointers:

• Ask first: Don't assume that your feedback will be welcomed. The right thing to do is ask the person first if they would like to get some feedback from you. Get their permission and only then, proceed, with care.

• Use the "Like, Tricky and Do diff" model: Start by letting the other person empties his or her "cup" first. The person knows what they have done right and wrong so let them share with you their own perspective of how they did first. Once they have emptied their cup, they will be more receptive to what you have to offer as feedback. Start by saying what you liked about what they did. Then move on to the "trickys". A tricky does not necessarily mean something negative. A tricky can be something that was unclear, or misunderstood, or something that was missing. Finish by making some suggestions for improvement by giving tips on what could have been done differently (do diff's).

• Stick to the facts: When giving feedback try to describe in an objective way what you saw and heard rather than giving your interpretation of what you saw and heard. It makes a huge difference. One approach is factual and can be verified by other observers, the other is personalizes the feedback and much more difficult to defend.

• Do it with care: Ask yourself "How would I feel if I were standing in his or her shoes right now?" Do unto others, as you would like them to do unto you.

• Ask yourself why you want to give feedback in the first place: The only good reason to give feedback is to help the other individuals improve their performance. If you feel the need to give feedback to someone, make sure that your motivation is not personal. In other words, make sure that your desire to give feedback is not a disguise for your need to unload negative feelings.

• Choose the right time to give feedback: If someone has just finished a difficult presentation that went sour, giving them feedback as they exit the room will backfire. They will feel attacked rather than supported. Give them some time to process what just happened and approach them when they are in a more positive frame of mind.
  

Jarvis' one word trick for giving constructive feedback:

Rather that saying: "You did a nice job BUT the report needs to be finished."
Try: "you did a nice job AND the report needs to be finished."

The "but" negates the first part of the statement no matter how positive it is. When people hear the word "but" they are just waiting for the bad news.

Help change someone's behavior:

People believe that they can motivate others to change their behaviors. That is a myth. You can't motivate someone. Motivation needs to come from the inside. I can't motivate you. You have to motivate yourself. All you can do as a "change agent" is create the exterior conditions that could motivate a change.

According to Jarvis, one of the most common mistakes we make is to ask the other person to change for your sake: "If you really love me you will stop doing behavior "X" or "Can you fix this for "my" sake" please."

Jarvis' one word trick to encourage someone to change:

Rather than saying: "You will stop smoking for my sake"
Try: "Will you stop smoking for the sake our kids' health?"

Your loved one may resent your wanting to change his or her ways and refuse to change to prove a point. If you put the focus on a third party removes you from the equation and appeals to their "ideal" self - the one that does the right thing for the right reasons.

Presenting a problem to your boss:

There has been a lot of talk in the last few years in the federal government of "speaking truth to power." Excellent concept in theory... On the one hand, we all want to do the right thing and expose the truth for what it is. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

Somehow, it is much easier to talk about the irregularities and unfairness in our workplace around the coffee machine with colleagues. Complaining comes naturally to most of us. Blaming others is also a typical reflex. However it is quite another thing to actually tell the powers that be that something's got to change.

Jarvis' one word trick for speaking truth to power:

Rather than saying: "They have issues with the sales staff."
Try: "We have issues with the sales staff."

Replacing they with we can change your outlook and the viewpoint of others. Saying "we" suggests that we recognize that we are part of the solution to the problem.

Trying to make someone see your side:

Some words can be provocative. Once people hear certain words like "stupid", "dumb", or "un-professional" they stop listening to the intent of the comment. Instead, the emotions take over and their anger and resentment prevents them from understanding the intent of the message. Jarvis gives the example of a comment that President Obama made this summer when he was discussing the arrest of Henry Louis Gates Jr and said that the Cambridge police acted stupidly. That comment was inflammatory and created a lot of backlash.

Jarvis' one word trick for making people hear your message:

Rather than saying: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was stupid."
Try: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was not helpful."

Rather than labeling other's actions, convey the effect of those actions.

When I started studying coaching, my teacher recommended that I read the book by Dr. Matthew Budd entitled "You Are What You Say". Budd reminds us that the words we use create our reality. Words are like self-fulfilling prophecies. You get what you say you will get...

Have you ever noticed that?

• When you tell yourself you are tired you feel even more tired and out of sorts.
• When you repeat to yourself "I can do this", you usually can.
• When you say to your teacher "I am shy", she calls on you less often to answer a question or do a presentation in front of the class so you become even shyer.
• When you say to yourself "this will be a good day", it usually is.

This week I challenge you to pay attention to your words (often a reflection of your internal beliefs) and the impact they have on your everyday life.

I am curious. Please let me know what you found out

Love Is All You Need

I tried to find an uplifting subject for my blog this week. I really did. But in the end, there was no way around it, I needed to express my sadness. This week my father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer and his wife, my dear mother-in-law, had a surgical procedure to biopsy a cancerous tumor in her lung. She had to be hospitalized two days later for complications from that procedure. A good friend's father was hospitalized in Montreal and passed away three days later. The artistic director of my Community Theatre Troupe sent us an email this week to let us know that the Christmas play would not happen this year - she suffered a heart attack and is waiting for heart surgery. After having known for over two months, a very special friend decided to break the silence and let me in - he told me that he had been diagnosed with lymphoma. That was my week. Lot's of sadness and worry. It sure makes you reflect on the things you take for granted like time for example...

How do you deal with all that bad news at once? How do you manage to keep your spirits up? How do you console your loved ones - those who are grappling with illness and those who love them and suffer along with them? What is it that I can learn from all this?

Yesterday there was a fund raising event at our local Shopper's Drug Mart. In exchange for a money donation to help families in need at Christmas, you got a free mini-facial and a makeup application. Lee, the lady who did my makeup was a beautiful woman in her sixties with a warm heart. I don't know why, but somehow the conversation shifted from what the new makeup colors were for this season to her life story.

She said she had a difficult week. Her 60 year old brother-in-law had suddenly collapsed on October 31 from an aneurism. He was at the peak of his career and had just signed an 11 years lease for a brand new office. Seventeen years ago, on the same date, his young brother had passed away. Their 91 year old mother had buried two sons in her life-time.

Lee had to travel to Montreal to help with the funeral arrangements and attend the ceremony. She was burnt out by all the emotions and activity and had collapsed in her bed at 8:00 pm the night before for a 12 hours sleep. I empathized with her. I was feeling burnt out too and had also tried to escape all this week's worries in a long fretful sleep. Then, before I could stop myself, all my grief tumbled out. I shared with this stranger all my sad news.

Lee held my hand and said: "Listen, in the space of 6 years my 18 year old hockey playing son was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and required complicated surgeries. Two years later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and lost my left breast. Two years later my husband, an executive with a federal government department, had a burn-out, sank into a serious depression and had psychotic episodes for which he had to hospitalized. There were many times when I did not think I could survive another day. But I kept going. Today it is all behind me and I am happy. God does not give you more than you can handle. The suffering makes you stronger. I believe that." Not only does it make you stronger but it makes you more attuned to others who are suffering. Lee is giving back. She volunteers her time as a makeup artist for the "Look Good, Feel Better" initiative for cancer patients.

Here we were in the middle of a busy store having a moment of privileged connection. We hugged and we cried. For that moment, we forgot where we were - all the bustling and the noise - and time stopped. Two strangers, fellow human beings, sharing sorrow and understanding. And then the moment was gone. We joked that we had to change the topic quickly or else all the hard work Lee had done to apply my makeup would go to waste. She retouched the makeup, I made my purchases and we hugged one last time. I probably will never see her again but that doesn't matter... I left the store feeling lighter.

I felt grateful that Lee had been on my path that day to share her story. Human beings can be so incredibly resilient. We can get through the most difficult situations. It is a matter of persevering even when the going gets tough, believing that there is a bigger purpose, and most importantly staying hopeful. And of course, to quote the Beatles, "you get by with a little help from your friends"

When you really think about it "all you need is love" to get through those hard times . Even love from a stranger in a store can turn your world around. Thanks Lee!

The Beatles

Lennon/McCartney

From The Blue Album

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

What's love got to do with it?

As I prepared to launch my new business in September 2009, a friend who is a successful private consultant recommended that I read the book by Geoffrey Bellman entitled "The Consultant's Calling - Bringing Who You are to What You Do"

I have been reading this book with interest a few chapters at a time. One chapter in particular really spoke to me. Chapter Nine is entitled "Love at Work" and in it Bellman says:

"We all want love and our wants do not respect the boundaries of work. Many people show up for the money but stay for love. They assume they will get the money: they seek the love." p. 81

What are we searching for at work? According to Bellman, and I would agree, we search for attention, recognition, care, understanding, affection, glory, respect, appreciation, inclusion. In other words we are looking for small "L" love.

Bellman talks about a five-level hierarchy of appreciation which starts at the bottom with "KNOW" and culminates with "LOVE"

LOVE
EMBRACE
ACCEPT
UNDERSTAND
KNOW

Love yourself first

Bellman recognizes that love of self is not necessary to achieve professional success, stature or recognition - though it can be helpful. He believes that if you want more enjoyment, abundance, growth and satisfaction, start by loving yourself first.

First you start by taking stock of what you think you know. This is harder than it sounds. This involves looking honestly at everything you believe in and checking within yourself to see if you are keeping an open mind to new information that could modify or even change what take for granted.

Through the knowing of yourself you can move to an understanding of yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses. What makes you tick? What are your fears? What are your most cherished dreams? Truthfully, in order to grow as a human being, we should always be working at understanding and redefining who we are what we stand for.

Even if we know and understand ourselves, accepting all of who we are can be a struggle. There are some parts of ourselves that are difficult to acknowledge. We are not proud of some parts of ourselves and would rather pretend they didn't exist. Carl Jung calls that hidden part of our persona the "shadow side". The shadow is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. "Everyone carries a shadow," Jung wrote, "and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is."

The next step in the hierarchy of acceptance is embracing all that we are: the good sides together with the darker sides. That's the goal. But the reality is that we embrace a lot of who we are while still distancing ourselves, consciously or unconsciously, from other parts of our selves. As we move forward in our journey as human beings it becomes easier to reach contentment and be at peace with who we have become, warts and all...

I don't know about you but as I grow older (getting closer to the "golden" years) I love much more of myself than I used to. We become less preoccupied with what other people might think of us and are more aware and appreciative of what feels good to us.

Loving others

Loving yourself opens you to loving others. Take a trip in your mind to your workplace environment. How would you apply that five-level hierarchy of appreciation with colleagues and bosses?

1. KNOW: You take time to get to know your colleague. You have a conversation with him or her and find out a bit more about their professional and personal background. You listen actively without preconceptions or judgement. You stay curious and open minded, willing to have your ideas and beliefs challenged and enhanced.

2. UNDERSTAND: You seek the meaning behind the knowledge you have gathered in your interactions with this person. You express some of what you know and ask questions to deepen your understanding of them.

3. ACCEPT: To accept someone requires openness, allowance and welcome. It does not necessarily mean to agree with everything they stand for.

4. EMBRACE: You embrace your colleagues ideas, emotions and issues simply because they are important to him or her. You show respect for your colleague by honoring what is meaningful to him or her even though you may disagree. If it is important to your colleague, it becomes important to you as well.

5. LOVE: You and your colleague are attuned to each other. You open yourself to the other person without fear of being judged. Neither of you need to change to satisfy the other. You have complete trust that the other person will act in a way that serves both of you well.

Many of us love our work so why would we not open ourselves to love the people with whom we work? As in any other relationship, the ascent of this hierarchy of appreciation is accompanied by risks but it also brings new depths to your partnerships with colleagues.

What do you think about Bellman's concept of "love" at work? Can you relate to it? If not, would you have the courage to try to be open to deeper relationships at work? What have you got to lose except missed opportunities to feel fulfilled and accepted in the workplace?

As for me, the concept of love in the workplace is very real. I have been blessed in my career. Through my work I have met wonderful people that I love dearly and are still part of my life to this day.

Thank you to all of you who have let me into your hearts and made my workplace a place of acceptance and caring:
Karen
Jill
Marie Anick
Bob
Louis
André
Rob
Heidi
Tony
Andrea
Johanne
Simon

One week

I watched the movie One Week last night. It enchanted me. It disturbed me. It provoked me. It stayed on my mind.

The movie opens with a scene in a doctor's office. Ben Tyler is a man in his mid-twenties. His doctor tells him that he has stage four cancer (terminal) and a 10% survival rate if he starts aggressive chemo treatments right away.

On his way home, he meets an older man who is reluctantly selling his vintage motorcycle. The man convinces Ben to take the motorcycle for a spin. Ben is delighted by the sense of freedom he feels as he rides the bike. He buys the motorcycle on the spot. On his way to tell his fiancée the bad news, he stops for a Tim Horton's coffee and rolls up the rim. It says "Go west young man." He sees this as a sign...

His fiancée pleads with him to start treatment right away but he replies that he needs an adventure before he is tied to an hospital bed. Ben hops on his bike and heads west. Where exactly? He doesn't know. For once in his life he has no plans. He lets his body decide when it is time to stop and sleep. Otherwise, Ben just rides and rides.

Many things are weighing on Ben's mind as he sets on his journey: Does he still want to get married? Why did he settle for a career in teaching? Why did he stop writing after his first book was turned down by too many editors to count? Why did he not pursue his love of singing?

What started as a couple days of aimless driving to escape a hard reality morphed into a week-long trek along the beautiful countryside of Canada. The vistas are beautiful: the Great Canadian Shield of northern Ontario; the grand lakes of Manitoba; the vast wheat plains of Saskatchewan; the breathtaking snow capped Rockies in Alberta; and all the way to the Pacific Ocean off Vancouver Island (British Columbia). As he travels the varied landscapes of Canada, he also takes an internal voyage of self-discovery.

Ben finds the answers to his life along the road. They emerge from within him as he contemplates nature or through seemingly ordinary encounters with people on his journey. He reacquaints himself with his own truth and he hears the wisdom in the words of others.

Eventually he comes back home to make peace with his fiancée. He will not marry her. And to let his family share his pain as he starts treatment. He has made peace with his life such as it is.

The movie ends with a black screen and these words: "To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield."

You know what I am going to ask you don't you?

If you just had one day or one week or one month to live what would you do?

• What would stay the same?
  
• What would you change?
  
• Would you stay or would you go? Home bound or exotic trip somewhere?
  
• What are the "undones" would you like to finish or accomplish?
• What would you like to turn back the clock on?

If there are more things you would change than things you would keep it may be an indication that it is time to take a hard look at your life.

What are you waiting for to live the life of your dreams?