Birthdays - A Chance to Say "I Love You"

September is a busy month of celebrations for us. On the same day, September 17, we celebrate the birthday of my husband's grandfather (my adopted grandfather is now 103 years old!!!); my sister's husband Roly (who just turned 50), and my sister-in-law (who lives in Australia). Two days later, it is my nephew's birthday. (He sent us an email earlier this week asking us to come over for a birthday dinner because, as he put it "turning 12 years old is a big deal and I want to make sure all my family is there to celebrate".) A few days after that, it is my husband's birthday (who is impossible to buy for - he never needs or wants anything), my younger sister is the following day and my best friend is three days later.

This morning I was grumbling a bit. Twice this week I went out shopping for my long list of presents (almost felt like a Christmas list!) but still had not found the perfect gift for my brother-in-law. I wanted to get something extra special to commemorate his fiftieth birthday (maybe it is even more meaningful to me than most because I am just 9 months away from celebrating my 50th birthday too.) Roly, my brother-in-law loves blue herons. He has a growing collection of sculptures of herons in his home; he even has a heron tattooed on his back. During my travels in BC I saw many depictions of herons in Haida art and admired the raw energy of that type of art. I was determined to find either a Haida print or a stylized sculpture of a heron as a gift for Roly. I visited many stores but no luck. This morning I got up early and convinced my husband to have breakfast downtown as an excuse to make a special trip to Snow Goose, a store near the Parliament Building that specializes in Inuit and Native Canadian art. And there I found it, the perfect gift, a framed print of a heron perched on a Haida canoe by a BC artist. Eureka!

Now to put this little escapade to find the "perfect" gift in context, you need to know that I clocked 12-14 hour days this week working feverishly to meet ridiculously short deadlines on several projects and dealing with the many unexpected twists and turns that come from working with government departments these days. I did not have time to shop. Let alone dedicate half a day to driving downtown, search for an elusive parking spot and traipse over to this hard to get to store. But I am very happy I did. I can't wait to see Roly's reaction when he opens his gift at the big party tonight.

You see, turning 50 is a momentous occasion for Roly and because I care for him, his birthday is important to me as well. What gives significance to a birthday is not only a matter of how old you are becoming. Grandfather appreciated our visit yesterday but he did not want us to make a big fuss "I've had 103 birthdays. Too many if you ask me." Grandfather's birthday was more important to us, his family, than it was to him... On the other hand, my nephew can't wait to turn twelve. In his short life, 12 years old seems like a big milestone. Maybe it is significant because at twelve years old he can babysit for money and go to bed later than his brother and sister. Or maybe being twelve is important to my nephew because he decided that it was going to be a special year no matter what. Who knows? If it is important to him, it is important to us.

On your birthday you get to be the center of attention in your little circle of family and friends. It is the one day in the year that you can call your own. As I grow older, the ritual of marking the passing of one more year of life becomes more meaningful. It is not so much about the birthday cake and the gifts (although those are very nice), but about the opportunity a birthday provides to reflect on the year that has passed and make wishes for the year to come.

Every year on my birthday, I take the day off and spend time on my own (preferably outside, somewhere in nature) meditating on who I am becoming. I look back at the proud moments I've had during the year and the trials I have surmounted. What did I have to let go of? Limiting Ideas about myself or others? Old patterns? Personality traits that are tripping me up (see last week's post on perfectionism). Perhaps I even had to let go of dreams that had become stale or just did not fit me anymore. What do I choose to do now? Will I finally make some time to take dance lessons to bring a bit more fun and joy into my life? Will I find my way through my daughters' difficult teenage years? Will my husband and I finally book that trip to Greece we've been talking about for so many years? Will I spend more time nurturing my friendships?

I think that birthdays are the perfect time to do a bit of personal strategic planning. Where have I been? What are the values I hold dear? And where am I going? How will I unlock my potential and continue to grow?

Of course, birthdays are an ideal time to say "I love you" to your loved ones (we never say it enough) and... to say "I love you" to yourself.

Lessons Learned

Do you write New Year's resolutions? Do you find that your resolutions are similar from year to year? I think that "losing weight" has been on my list for the last 25 years! I keep gaining and losing the same ten pounds every year...

A few years ago I decided to try something different. Instead of writing my resolutions for the year, I reflected back on the year that had passed and wrote down the lessons I had learned. I found that exercise to be very revealing.

Here are the top five lessons I have learned in the course of the year:

1. Inter-generational communication enriches the workplace and our communities.

Our population is aging. The baby boomers are retiring in record numbers. As they leave, we lose their corporate knowledge.

The Generation X and Y are joining the workforce. They have an innate ability to use technology to connect and to learn and teach.

The older generation and the younger generation have something to learn from each other if only they took the time to listen with an open mind and open heart.

This also applies to children (even adult age children) and their parents, grandchildren and their grandparents. I will keep fond memories from are a few road trips I took with my parents and my daughters this year where I learned some fascinating facts about my family history. My children taught a few things to their grandparents too for example they were surprised to find out that talking on the phone is passé because with MSN you can chat with half a dozen friends all at the same time while listening to music and doing homework.

2. Everyone has a story to tell and a lesson to teach.

I have met some fascinating people this year.

I recall a conversation I had with an older gentleman in a hotel in Fredericton (New Brunswick) who shared with me his career path in the public service and taught me a few things about perseverance and standing for what you believe in.

I remember a privileged moment I spent with a makeup artist at a drug store. She shared her story about her husband’s mental illness and her bout with breast cancer. She told me to stay strong and believe things would be OK. There we were, two strangers crying and hugging each other in the middle of a busy store connecting with each other’s pain.

I had an encounter with a salesperson in a store just last week. I don’t know why but somehow our polite conversation about the New Year turned into an emotional realization that life is precious. She had been in a very serious car accident just after Christmas. The car was totalled but she walked away without a scratch. The emergency personnel told her that she could have easily died in that type of accident. I asked her “Why do you think you were spared?” She admitted that that question had been haunting her ever since and that she felt it was time that she made big changes in her life. We exchanged business cards. I will reconnect with her. She has something to teach me.

3. “Emotion” is still a bad word in the workplace but without it, the humanity is missing...

A Director General approached me this week after we discussed some delicate situations in his work team and said “You are emotional when you talk about injustice in the workplace.” I did not know how to take his comment. I think he meant it as a constructive feedback, a warning maybe. If you show emotions, you won’t be taken as seriously. Let’s put this into perspective. I did not scream or elevate my voice. I did not use any inappropriate words. I did not cry or squirm. I did speak with conviction and dare I say it... passion.

I don’t know how to not show emotion when we talk about something that causes people pain and suffering in the workplace. Honestly, I don’t think I even want to learn how to be less emotional.

People say that my face is an open book. They can tell what I think and feel all the time (I guess that is why I am told I am a good actress – the feelings show through my body language)

I can’t hide what is in my heart. It is just not me. And I don’t see the need to hide my emotions unless I wanted to become a good poker player maybe...

4. When you ask for help, people are gracious.

As I was starting off my new consulting business last year, I met with some colleagues who had been operating their own business for years. They graciously shared with me what they have learned along the way. The things they wish they had done differently. The things that helped them become successful. The things they still want to achieve.

Even though we are all competitors for the same clients and contracts, my friends and colleagues took the time to teach me the ropes and give me pointers to help me succeed as well. They did it to be kind and supportive. They did because they cared about me. If you look at the world as a place of abundance rather than a place of scarcity, you believe that there is more than enough to go around so there is no reason not to share what you have with others. In fact, I believe that what you give away will come back to you at some point.

Thank you Tony, Paul, Susan, Guy, Julie, Daniel and John for your help and guidance.

5. If you are aligned with your purpose, things come to you easily

When I made up my mind to leave my government job to start my own business last September, I felt so at peace even though the circumstances were less than ideal.

The economic crisis was making headlines. I still had two kids in school and in braces. I had no contracts lined up. Colleagues thought I was nuts to leave such a good paying job and a golden pension plan to jump into the unknown. Maybe I was. I just had dreams and a lot of resolve. Somehow, starting my business felt like the right thing to do. I said to my husband and close friends that I could not, not do it. Not doing it would be like denying part of who I am.

Magically, everything fell into place. I surpassed my own hopeful goals. The phone started ringing the first day and never stopped ringing since.

Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am the anxious type. I have a vivid imagination and unfortunately this means that I am also good at “awfullizing” the future. I can easily come up with at least a dozen scenarios of how things can go wrong but oddly enough, I never went into that dark head space with regards to this new business venture. The storm can storm but I stay centered. I have this profound sense of calm because I know that I am doing exactly what I am meant to do.

As they say, “do what you love and the rest will follow.” In my case, that is certainly true. I am happy and content. Great way to start a new decade wouldn’t you say?

What are the lessons you learned in the last year?

How will that have an impact on the choices you make in 2010?

What is the one thing you could do differently this year that would make a significant contribution to your sense of well-being and happiness in the next month?

What is the first step you can take to make it happen?

When will you start?

Happy New Year!