Standing in the Fire

I spent last week in Chicago, the windy city, attending a conference of the International Association of Facilitators. It was nice for a change to be a participant rather than a speaker at a conference. It is good to refresh my skills and learn from others.

Larry Dressler gave a workshop entitled Standing in the Fire - Facilitating Yourself When the Conversation Heats Up. Dressler challenged us to look inward to find the strength to stand tall in difficult situations.

"The path to becoming truly effective instruments of change is in the conscious tending of our own fires - attending to what is going on inside of us in order to clearly see and intentionally assist in the unfolding of what is happening outside of us."
Larry Dressler from Standing in the Fire

Larry taught us that there are six ways of "standing in the fire"

1. Stand with self-awareness:

What is the baggage you are carrying with you from your life experiences?
What are your beliefs?
Your judgments?
Your values?
Your tender spots or vulnerabilities stemming from unresolved issues?
Your emotional hot buttons?
What kind of glasses are you wearing to look at the world?

Be aware of them as you walk into difficult situations. They may cloud your judgment and prevent you from accessing solutions in the midst of the fire.

2. Stand in the here and now:

It is so easy to let our mind drag us into the past, the world of regrets and unfinished business. The things we say to ourselves like the "I should of...", "if only I had...", "I could have..." only drag us down to a place that does not exist anymore in time and space. It is wasted energy. But we can apply the lessons we have learned from the past in the here and now. Tap into the wisdom gained from the past rather than lingering in the regrets.

If our mind is not stuck in the past it is often projecting itself into the future: What will happen if ...? What will they think of me? What should I do next? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? All that stipulation, guessing and wondering does not serve you well when you are in the midst of the action, in a difficult situation perhaps.

The key is to come back to the here and now. Come back to the present moment. The best way to become present is to breathe deeply and consciously. Then, when you are feeling more grounded and centered, ask yourself "what needs to happen right now in this moment?" Listen to your intuition. Follow your heart. They will lead the way.

3. Stand with an open mind:

Hold your judgments and opinions lightly. Open up your mind to new possibilities. Try on a different pair of glasses to look at the world. Be prepared to put aside what you hold as true and right to consider, and maybe even accept, different points of view.

Adopt a stance of receptivity and humility when you listen to others.

4. Know what you stand for:

Have you ever made a list of the values that you hold dear in both your personal and professional life? What do you stand for? What do you believe in?

Are there values that trump others in your book? In what circumstances?

What is your life purpose? What do you want to be your legacy? What do you want people remember about you once you are gone from the room and... gone from the world?

5. Dance with surprises:

How do I learn to dance well with what happens to me unexpectedly?

How do I develop the fluidity and flexibility to adapt to the curve balls life throws my way?

I have always liked the fable of The Oak and the Reed by Jean de la Fontaine. The oak boasts that it is so much bigger and impressive than the reed. The oak dominates the scenery with its majestic stance. The reed agrees with him but warns that sometimes being strong and immutable can work against you.

The winds are less fearful to me than to you.
I bend and do not break. You have until now
Against their frightening blows
Stood up without bending your back;
But look out for what can be. —

(Excerpt from The Oak and the Reed fable by Jean de la Fontaine)

A strong wind suddenly comes up from the north. The tree holds up well; the reed bends. The wind doubles its trying and does so well that it uproots the oak tree. The reed danced with the wind and remained intact.

6. Stand with compassion:

Open your heart to others. Instead of making it all about you, consider what it would be like to stand in their shoes for a moment.This can be easier said than done if you are trying to be compassionate with people who disturb or frustrate you.

For example...

First reaction - focus on me:
Why is this person always interrupting me? He always wants to have a word in edge wise and does not seem to want to hear my ideas or opinions. He is inconsiderate. Those types of people infuriate me. They are so self-centered!

Compassionate reaction - focus on them:
Why is person always interrupting me? Could it be that he is afraid that he will not be heard unless he jumps in? Could it be that he is a bit insecure and imposes himself from fear of being disregarded? Could it be that he is so passionate about this topic that he can't contain himself and does not even realize he is cutting me off?

According to Dressler the key to standing in the fire is to be self-aware and present in the moment. When you are in a heated situation reactions are triggered at many levels - physical, emotional and mental. These reactions happen so fast that many are unconscious.

Think back to a time when you were in a difficult situation.

What did you feel on a physical level? Perhaps your heart rate was elevated, you were flushed, you clenched your jaw or your fists, you elevated your voice, etc.

What were your emotions? Maybe you felt afraid or you were angry. Maybe you felt some confusion and embarrassment. Maybe you blamed yourself or the other person.

What was the internal conversation you were having with yourself? Maybe you thought OMG! I've lost control. How did I let this happen? What will they think of me? Will they still like me?

If you were to put into practice the six ways of "standing in the fire" that Dressler recommends, how would that have changed the outcome of that situation.

If nothing else, the next time you face the fire remember to breathe, deeply and consciously...