I admit it. I am a perfectionist. I want things to be just so and I drive myself crazy trying to achieve the impossible - perfection! Perfectionism has been a lifelong curse. I can see that now.
I never have a moment's peace. There is always something more I need to do to get things just right. There is always something else I have to do to attain the next goal. Perfectionism is a cruel task master. The quest for perfection is an endless quest.
As I grow older, I can I look at myself with more objective eyes. I know intellectually that perfectionism is a choice that I keep making day after day, moment after moment. Yes, I did say it is a choice that I make. A choice implies that there are other options. I have the option of downgrading my impossible standards and accepting something that is good enough rather than perfect.
So what is good enough? I did a bit of research and was surprised that there are actual theories out there about "good enough" such as:
- Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule): the law of the vital few, and the principle of factor sparsity states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.
- KISS principle: KISS is an acronym for the design principle "Keep it simple, Stupid". Other variations include "keep it short and simple" or keep it simple and straightforward. The KISS principle states that simplicity should be a key goal in and that unnecessary complexity should be avoided.
- Occam's Razor principle: The popular interpretation of this principle is that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Simplest is not defined by the time or number of words it takes to express the theory; "simplest is really referring to the theory with the fewest new assumptions."
For me, I think the easiest way to get to "good enough" is through simplicity. Simplicity is easy and effortless. In the name of simplicity, I might be more willing to let go of the long list of "shoulds" I impose on myself to realize the unattainable image of perfection I carry in my mind. Rather than channelling Martha Stewart for my next dinner party, maybe I could take a page from Jamie Oliver's, the Naked Chef, song book (or should I say "recipe" book!).
Some of my best dinner parties were impromptu get together with friends and neighbours, eating take-out pizza and a quick salad I concocted with the veggies we had in the fridge. The fun did not depend on crisp linen table clothes, fresh bouquet of flowers, my good china and sparkling cutlery. I had fun because I had no time to think about what perfection would look like if I was to orchestrate it so I just went with the flow.
And while we are on the topic of food, I have to put in a good word for Dairy Queen and grocery store bakeries. As my daughters were growing up, one the highlights of their birthday party was the birthday cake of course. Every year I would try to outdo myself. Cutting and icing the cake in the shape of Barney the purple dinosaur, a Barbie doll, or a Disney princess. As they grew older, they started requesting grocery store cakes with garish blue and purple icing and little toys stuck in the cake. Now that they are teens, they politely decline my offer to make a cake and ask that I pick up and ice cream cake at Dairy Queen instead. One less thing to do on my perfect birthday party "to do" list. Much easier that way.
This summer when we travelled to Cape Breton in Nova Scotia, we rented a cottage by the beach for a few days. While we were there, I had us running from one activity to another like a tour guide on Red Bull. I wanted our vacation to be perfect so I made sure that we didn't miss out on anything that the region had to offer: sea kayaking, hiking, biking, souvenir shopping and sea food sampling. As it turns out, one of my favourite memories of that trip was on the day we were leaving the cottage. I got up early in the morning, made some coffee and sat the balcony looking out at the ocean. My husband came to join me. We just sat there quietly enjoying the sun warming our faces and listening to the waves. I was content doing nothing...not a thing!
The little black dress is another ode to simplicity. More than once I have stressed over what to wear for a special occasion. I have spent countless hours shopping for just the right outfit, the right shoes, the right stockings, and the right jewellery just to have last minute doubts as I am dressing an hour before the event. That is why every woman needs a flattering "go everywhere" little black dress in her closet. A dress you can slip on in the spur of the moment and feel beautiful. No agonizing over fashion do's and dont's. Just put the dress on and go.
Dinner parties, vacation and fashion are one thing but seeking simplicity at work is another thing altogether for a staunch perfectionist. However, to my surprise, I actually can think of examples when simplicity gave better results than attempts at perfection.
The first strategic planning session I ever facilitated was a daunting task. The group was working towards getting ISO certified and had three recent failed attempts at getting consensus on a mission statement. They called me in to help. I felt unnerved, how could I possibly get them to consensus when they had failed to do so three times already?
So I did what the facilitation books say you should do in these situations: prepare, prepare and prepare. I spent a lot of time fact-finding, researching, planning, designing and redesigning, and came up with what I thought was a good process. But then the voice of doubt crept into my head "These people are all scientists, they will expect you to be logical, analytical and serious. They will expect you to have fancy overheads with bar graphs and pie charts. Your design is not good enough. You need to work harder at it." Thankfully reason prevailed in the end. I didn’t give a theoretical presentation of the organizational benefits of having a Strategic Plan and I did not rely on stats and graphs to make my point. Instead, I decided to be myself.
I came up with a design that would deliver the goods but also allowed me to be me: use of metaphors, storytelling, humour and lots of dialogue. My approach worked beautifully. People laughed, they started to relax with each other and we built enough trust in the group to hold frank and somewhat contentious conversations. Once every one had a chance to be heard, we were able to draft a mission statement that everyone could support.
I think that sometimes perfectionism masks a fear of not being enough. I hold a deep seated belief that if I just myself, it simply won't be good enough. So I throw myself into preparation, planning and doing in hope that I will not disappoint...others and myself!
Maybe the real answer to what is enough is "just be yourself." No artifice. No pretence. Just being. It is pretty simple after all.
Simplicity is freeing. Simplicity is the road out of the perfectionism jungle. Simplicity will bring me more happiness.
My mission for the next few months (before I officially enter my 50th year) is to seek simplicity anywhere and everywhere I go as I banish the perfectionist monster from my life.
Can you help me? How do you simplify your life?
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