Family Ties

Yesterday I went on a road trip to the States with my mother and daughter. We don't spend much time with my mother except on holidays when the whole family gets together (10 adults and 10 kids) and we usually spend most of that time cooking, cleaning up, and unfortunately, getting into the old family dynamics ... So my mom was looking forward to this trip as a special summer adventure.

I, on the other hand, was a bit apprehensive because my teenage daughter is at a stage where anything that has to do with her mother is either a bore or shameful. I was surprised when she said yes. For the first part of the trip, my daughter plugged herself to a DVD player and watched a movie. Not a peep out of her until we reached the border.

When it came time for lunch she perked up because her grandmother promised to take her to the Ponderosa Steak House. We used to really like that restaurant when I was a kid but they have since all closed down in my hometown. All my mom had to do was mention that there was an all you can eat buffet and ice cream bar with all the toppings and she had my daughter eating out the palm of her hand (almost literally!)

Then we did a bit of shopping and I encouraged my daughter to spot products that we do not have in Canada. It was like a treasure hunt. She was running down the aisles ahead of us bringing back a box of this or a can of that to show her us her latest find. I bought her some sugary breakfast cereals (the type I don't usually allow at home) and other treats from the grocery store. She was thrilled.

I bought my daughter some back to school clothes while we were there. I watched her choose things that I disliked, but I did not comment (that took a lot of self-discipline). She was asserting herself by deciding on her own style and I was practicing the art of letting go (a key survival tactic when you are raising teenagers). She was grateful that I treated her more like an adult and that made a positive difference in how we related to each other for the rest of the day.

On the way back home, as the sun was setting, my mother and I had a great conversation. It all started with a comment that, if she were to move into an old-age home, she would bring two small urns that are reproductions of urns found at an archeological site she visited in Greece, on a university course trip. She will turn 75 next summer and she lives alone, so thoughts of her future are on her mind. I didn't even remember her going on that trip, even though I was in my early twenties at the time. Odd. She then went on to describe other memorable trips to Spain where she almost got killed in a road accident and in Martinique where my grandmother Marie-Ange got deathly ill (again, I did not remember any of this).

I got more and more curious about her story and our family's story. I asked her about my great-great-grandmother who was First Nation (Algonquin). I asked her about my great-grandfather Philias who left his pregnant wife, Olivine, to seek his fortune in the Klondike. When he came back five years later, the son he had never met had passed away from a childhood illness. All Philias had to show for his years up north panning for gold nuggets was a gold ring that my mother still wears today. I asked her to tell me how my grand mother came to be the first woman contractor in Vanier in the early 1950's (she built seven apartment buildings). Her reputation was such that she was asked to consider running as the first woman mayor of her city (but she replied that she did not think that society was ready a for woman in that kind of influential position). Wow! Great stories! I felt proud and connected.

My mother commented that the best part of her day for her was the conversation we just had. We never seem to have time to talk about those things when we get together. We talk about every day things like who's doing what, the world news, and the weather. This car trip gave us an opportunity to talk about something that really matters to both of us. Our family's story binds us to each other.

It is interesting that I started this blog by commenting on my daughter's disinterest in her mother and grandmother. It would seem that I was a disinterested teenager too. I cannot recall any of my mother's trip stories. As I was growing up, and even now as an adult, I have missed out on many opportunities to connect with my mother and understand why she is who she is and why I am who I am.

What do you know about your parent's life experiences? What is their biggest regret? What are their happiest memories? Who were their parents and their parent's parents?

They say that the past is over and that only the present moment counts. While I agree with this, I think that many of us are sitting on a treasure trove of memories that could enlighten and inform how we live today. All we have to do is ask...

When you ask someone "Tell me your story", you honor them greatly.