Motivation - it's a very personal thing

How can I motivate my employees to go the extra mile? How can I motivate my kids to do their homework, or clean their rooms? How can I motivate my friend to stop sabotaging her resolution to stop smoking?

Did you know that you cannot motivate people? Motivation has to come from within. You can help create the conditions that may lead to motivation but you can't make someone want to do something unless they decide they want to.

When everything else seems out of whack, having order in my home gives me a sense of control in at least one area of my life. My teenage daughter knows how much order and cleanliness is important to me and that is exactly why she has chosen to create chaos in her bedroom. There is so much stuff spread out on the floor that you cannot walk in without having to jump over piles of dirty laundry, or clean clothes that never made their way to the closet and drawers; drawings, drawing paper, pencils and erasers; posters that fell off the wall but never got stuck back on, and tons of books (she reads maybe 5 books a week). Her room has been our battle ground for months now. Granted, I need to learn to let go a little and I have made some progress on that front. I only ask her to pick up her room twice a month so that we can vacuum and toss out that the half-eaten food before it makes the whole second floor smell like the bottom of a garbage can. More importantly, to give her the privacy she so ardently desires, I am valiantly resisting the urge to clean her room myself when I can't stand it no more.

For a few days now, I have been trying every tactic in the book to get her to clean up her room. I tried to sweet talk her. I tried to give her ultimatums. I also have, I am ashamed to say, tried bribing her with treats. To no avail...of course.

This morning she gets a call from a brand new friend who wants to come and visit. Within an hour her room was picked up, vacuumed, posters hung up and she even made her bed! She was motivated to make a good impression on her new friend (much more potent motivation than to make her mom happy!)

Daniel Pink, the author of A Whole New Mind, has written a new book called Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. He demonstrates that while the carrot and stick approach, motivating through external rewards like money, has been successful in the twentieth century it will not cut it for today's challenges. The secret to high performance and satisfaction is the deeply human need to direct our own lives, to learn and create new things and to do better by ourselves and our world.

The three elements of true motivation are autonomy, mastery and purpose.

Pink illustrates that point well through a bit of storytelling. He asks us to transport ourselves back to 1995. You are sitting down with an economist and say to her: "I've got a crystal ball that can see fifteen years into the future. I would like to see if you can forecast what I see."

"I will describe two types of encyclopedias, one that was just launched and another that will be created a few years later. I want you to tell me which one will be most successful in 2010."

"The first encyclopedia is funded by Microsoft. Professional writers and editors are paid to write thousands of articles. Well-paid managers will oversee the project to ensure on-time and on-budget completion."

"The second encyclopedia won't be funded by a company. It will be created by tens of thousands of people who write and edit articles for fun. Participants will work for free. The encyclopedia will exist online and will also be free."

Now you say to the economist "In fifteen years, one encyclopedia will be the largest and the most popular in the world and the other will be defunct. Which is which?"

Of course, you have guessed by now that the most successful encyclopedia is Wikipedia.

The people who contribute to the knowledge base in Wikipedia do it because they want to, nobody tells them that it's their job. Choosing your actions or in other words, exercising autonomy, is to the first element of true motivation according to Pink. Contributors to Wikipedia find that sharing their knowledge and expertise gives them a purpose, the second element of motivation. And as they research, write and edit their posts, contributors develop their own personal mastery in the subject area, the third element in motivation.

I am off to Montreal tomorrow to facilitate a 1200 people plenary session on employee engagement. The organizers wanted the participants to leave the conference feeling motivated and willing to volunteer their time to support their management community. Was there a workshop that I could teach on engagement? "Engagement comes from within" I replied, "you cannot teach it. What you can do perhaps, is create an experience for participants that will help them connect with their own leadership abilities and revive their desire to make a difference. The rest is up to them..."

I believe that if you work or frequent a motivated individual, their enthusiasm and sense of purpose is contagious. Maybe one of the best way to "motivate" someone is to become the best they can be is to model the way yourself...

What motivates you to try your best? Think about it in terms of autonomy, purpose and mastery.

A split second

I was not happy when I finished the race," said Nesbitt, who became just the second woman in Olympic history to win the 1,000 metres speed skating race on home soil. "I didn't think that time would hold out. I thought, 'the worst I can do is a bronze' [Nesbitt posted the first-place time in the second-last pair]. But then I thought, 'I didn't come here to win bronze.'"

Nesbitt, who lives in London, Ontario, ended up winning by 2/100ths of a second, just edging out a pair of Dutch skaters.

She won by 2/100ths of a second! Think about it. A blink of an eye made the difference between gold and bronze. Is that skill, sheer luck or perhaps destiny?

German skater Monique Angermuller, who was paired with Nesbitt, said she had helped the Canadian win gold by providing a draft.

Nesbitt agreed. “She gave me a really good draft for a bit. But that was probably the two-hundredths of a second. She's right. She probably got me there.”

Douglas has dedicated countless hours of his life to train just for this chance at an Olympic medal. He was considered a strong contender for the skeleton race but three minutes obliterated all the blood, sweat and tears that he invested to attain his goal.

“It has happened to athletes before in the past and they received a fine,” said Douglas. “I went to take the runner guards off. I was late for sure, but the security guard let me in. They had just begun their technical checks on the first sled. They hadn’t even got to mine.

“They say I was three minutes late; I say one minute. They let me take the guards off, they watched me do it, then a half-hour later they DQ’d me.”

Douglas was disqualified. He was not allowed to participate in the race of a lifetime. Three minutes made the difference between a chance at winning and a complete, utter failure.

Time. Some say it is the most precious commodity. When you lose it, you can't win it back.

In light of these Olympic stories, I have been thinking about times when a split second may have made a huge difference in my life. Obviously, I can think of many times as an athlete, especially as a competitive runner, when seconds made a difference.

But there are other times too. For example, I am driving along on the highway, wanting to change lanes, but for some reason I hesitate at the last moment. A car who was in my blind spot speeds by and I breathe a sigh of relief. I almost had an accident. (I bet that happened to you).

A few years back as I am leaving the theatre after watching my daughter's play, I decidedly walk to the Theatre Director and I hear myself asking her when I can sign up for the adult acting classes. I had not planned this. Not even sure how those words got out of my mouth. It is as if something bigger than me made a split second decision and acted before my consciousness could even catch up with what was going on. I am so happy I did though. Acting is one of my great pleasures in life. I had toyed with the idea of acting in community theatre for years but until then I had found all sorts of reasons why I should not act. That day, at that moment, my higher self just took over and did not give my mind a chance to stop me in mid-action. In a split-second, a life-changing decision was made.

My husband and I were discussing this over coffee this morning. He says that if something happens in a split second you are not thinking. There is no time in a split second to gather information, analyze, compare options and choose. You are just reacting. In that split second, it is your whole past, your life experiences, and your instinct, that act for you.

Sometimes, we need to let go of our ego and fears and just trust the moment. We need to get out of our own way so that our inner wisdom can act.

What about you? Were there times in your life when a split second made a difference?

On love...

In honor of St-Valentine's day, I thought I would share with you a poem about love by one of my favorite poets, Khalil Gibran. (I like Gibran so much that at my wedding, we recited the words of his poem "On Marriage" as part of the ceremony)



Khalil Gibran was a Lebanese American artist, poet, and writer, born on January 6, 1883 in the town of Bsharri in modern-day Lebanon. As a young man, he emigrated with his family to the United States where he studied art and began his literary career. He died young, at the age of 47 on April 10, 1931. He is chiefly known for his 1923 book The Prophet, a series of philosophical essays written in English prose.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

The Rhythm of Your Life

My breathing is out of sync. My movements are not smooth. I can feel myself struggling. I need to find my rhythm. I relax into the movement. I bring my awareness back to my body and to the soothing feel of the water. My arm strokes even out and my breath finds its rhythm. When I am in the zone I can swim endlessly it seems.

I broke my toe a few days before Christmas and had to lay off the running for a few weeks. My sister, who is also an avid runner, suggested that I switch to swimming laps to keep my fitness level up until I healed. I used to love swimming. Swimming was my only sport for a while. Don't know why, but I just stopped one day, many years ago. Now I find myself back in the pool with the early morning regulars, swimming lap after lap and it comforts me. It's feels like coming home somehow.

Somewhere between lap 35 and 40, it occurred to me that it is the rhythm that comforts me. Back and forth, lap after lap, same speed, same arm movements, same leg movements, the rhythm accompanies me.

Rhythmic movements envelop us with a sense of calm. Anyone who has rocked a baby to sleep or spent some time in a rocking chair can attest to the soothing power of slow rhythmic movements. But the movements do not necessarily need to be slow to be appeasing.

I like the fast rhythmic pace of running. Hearing the regular thump of my feet hitting the pavement, my arms pumping back and forth, my breathing accelerated but in cadence.

When you think about it, many activities of everyday life have a rhythm.

Our routines have rhythm: get up, shower, get dressed, brush your teeth, grab some breakfast, get to work or school, etc. Most of us do all those actions in the same order every morning. It is a habit that has a rhythm.

Our days have a rhythm: morning, noon and night; breakfast, lunch and supper; work and play; wake up and go to bed.

The stages of our lives have rhythm: the carefree years of childhood, the angst of teenage years, the study and party till you drop years of university or college, the "going to work" years, the "raising a family" years, the empty nest years and the retirement years.

Rhythm is relaxing. Maybe it is because the the first sound we hear as a human being is rhythmic. It is the sound of our mother's heartbeat in the womb.

The sound of the rhythmic breathing of a child sleeping or of our lover's breathing as he or she lays next to us in bed are some of the most soothing sounds in the world. They are sounds that let us know that everything is well in the world.

What are the rhythms of your life? Do they envelop you with a sense of calm? Do they bring you peace of mind?

Sometimes our life rhythms can lull in a sense of false complacency. People put up with things just because they are familiar. As the saying goes "the devil you know if better than the devil you don't know". Even though we are not happy with the current situation, it is sometimes just too scary to try something new. I think the first red flag to watch for is a general sense of restlessness. Something just does not feel right. So we think, "maybe I just need a break from it all" and start looking for a quick escape down to the Caribbean for a week or two as a way to interrupt the boring rhythm of our lives. Vacations may only be a temporary solution. Sometimes a vacation is just what the doctor ordered. When we come back, we are feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world again. Other times, we are disappointed to realize that the same old feelings of discomfort are upon for us the moment we return to the regular routine. Has this ever happened to you?Has this ever happened to you?

Jon Kabat-Zinn is a Professor of Medicine Emeritus and founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He teaches mindfulness meditation as a technique to help people cope with stress, anxiety, pain and illness. He wrote a book entitled Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life (Hyperion, 1994) Think about it, even when you try to escape from what ails you hoping on a plane or drinking that fourth glass of wine, what ails you never leaves your side because it is within you. The answer? Choose to do and be differently.

Sometimes we need to change up the rhythms of our lives so that a new possibility can emerge. Is there anything in your life that you would like to change? First, you need to stop and listen to the rhythm of your life. Then you need to decide if you like it. You can change the tempo of the music or the style of the music. You can learn to appreciate new types of music of your life. You can even make music out of dissonant sounds. It is up to you to choose the beat of your life dance and play your own drums.

Slowing down

"Be conscious of your breath, follow its journey into your body as you breathe in the air through the nostrils, down the throat into the lungs and deep into your belly. Your belly rises with each inhale and falls with each exhale. Ride the waves of your breath."

I coached the ladies laying on their yoga mats to be aware of their breath. Some women were in their late forties like me, many trying yoga for the first time. Two sisters, young women in their late teens, had brought their mother to the workshop with them "because she needs to relax" they said. The poster advertising this free Sunday morning workshop entitled "Yoga for Busy Women", showed a picture of a frazzled woman multi-tasking aspiring to be a calmer woman sitting quietly and meditating. The workshop description read as follows:

If you have always wanted to try yoga but didn’t know where to start, this class is for you. Join us for a beginner yoga class that celebrates diversity: all ages and fitness levels. Learn basic postures and breathing exercises that will help you regain balance and a sense of calm in your busy life.

When I pitched the idea to Chris, the Fitness Coordinator at a local Recreational Activity Centre way back in August, he was intrigued with my approach.

I said "I know many women who would like to try yoga but don't sign up for a class because they believe that if you don't look like Lady Gaga in spandex and can't contort your body into a pretzel shape like Rodney Yee, you are not meant to do yoga. Plus, there is the guilt factor that prevents these women from coming to class. They don't get around to signing up for classes because they put everybody else in their family first and find it difficult justifying taking an hour or two away from home for themselves. And it is a real shame because they are the type of women that would benefit most from yoga."

(Can you tell that I am pretty passionate about this? As the saying goes, "you teach what you need to learn". I am definitely a Type A personality, a woman who runs around multi-tasking with a perpetual "To Do" list. I did not know the meaning of slowing down until a few years ago when my body just gave up and forced me take a long hard look at myself. I had to stop and take stock of the impact that my life choices were having on my health: physical, mental and spiritual. I decided to change my ways, slowly but surely. I still have lots to learn though...)

"So if they haven't been coming to our yoga classes so far, how are we going to recruit them now?" Chris asked.

"What if instead of putting the emphasis on fitness by teaching a long list of challenging postures, we put the emphasis on how to apply what yoga teaches us in our every day life? I could teach participants easy basic postures they can do while sitting at their desk at the office, or while standing in the kitchen in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of home life or just before bed as a way to decompress. The emphasis would be on the breath and on the body awareness - our core and our centres of energy. The class could be part yoga practice and part support group. We could build on women's need to be part of a community by opening up each class with a cup of green tea and a casual dialogue. We could create a safe place for women to chat and learn from each other. They could share their tips and tricks and not feel so alone when dealing with all the craziness around them."

"That might just work you know" said Chris. "I am game to try it out if you are. Let's start with a free class as a pilot to gauge interest and we'll take it from there."

"If you build it, they will come" Kevin Costner's character said in the movie "Field of Dreams". That is what we did. We chose a date, put up the posters, and made the offer. "Busy women, give yourself some "me" time to get acquainted with your body and learn ways to take care of yourself."

And the women came. We had a full class and they loved it. After class, they marched to the Customer Service Desk and asked that this class be part of the regular offering of classes at the centre. I do hope that management will head to their requests. Busy women need a time and place where they can just "be" with themselves in the here and now.

Wouldn't it be cool if we started a bit of a new trend in fitness centres...classes for the body, mind and spirit of participants.

What do you do to recharge your batteries?

Do you permit yourself to pause and listen to your body.

Do you practice staying still long enough to quieten the constant babbling of your mind?

Do you check in with your spirit from time to time to become conscious of your state of being? Are you happy and content? Or are you sad and uneasy?

What does your soul have to say? What is your purpose and are you aligned to it?

What are ways that you can slow down the frenzied pace of your life this week?

You gotta think INSIDE the box

I had so much fun yesterday co-leading a workshop with my friend Rob Nickerson, “Mr. Improv Extraordinaire” for a group of corporate folks in Montreal. “You gotta think inside the box” Rob Nickerson said to the crowd. “Huh? That is not how it goes. I always thought it was the other way around, you gotta think outside the box”

Not so, according to Rob Nickerson. After 26 years as an improviser, actor, writer & director, Rob brings a unique perspective and skill set to the corporate world.

“If you truly want to be creative, you need to work within the restrictions of your corporate environment.” You need to succeed by finding creative ways of working within the limitations such as the pursuit of profitability, conflicting priorities, rules and regulations, and deadlines to name just a few.

“How many of you have seen the movie Apollo 13?” Rob asked the crowd? Half the hands go up. “Do you remember the scene where the crew is in danger because they have been up there too long and there are creating too much carbon dioxide in the capsule? They need to find a way to filter the carbon dioxide to stay alive. Back on earth, a group of scientists are assembled around a table. A guy comes in with a big cardboard box filled with hoses, computer parts, tape, etc. and he dumps the contents of the box onto the table. He says to the scientists “These are materials that are available in the capsule. We need to come up with a way to solve this problem with what is on this table.” They needed to find a solution within the “box”.

What is the link with improvisation you might say. Improvisers excel at solving problems with limited, restrictive resources. Improvisers are creative thinkers. They are nimble, and quick on their feet. They collaborate with their teammates to take advantage of the combined brain power to find novel solutions. They listen differently, with their whole being, to have access to new knowledge. Improvisers can see the big picture. They see how things that at first appear unrelated, actually can be re-assembled to yield new possibilities.

One of the critical skills of an improviser is the ability to do “whole listening.” Rob describes “whole listening” as a “heightened state of awareness that allows you to recognize and process as much information as possible in the moment so that you may make the best decision for this moment at this moment.” During a storytelling exercise where small groups of people are asked to co-create a story by each taking a turn to say just one word, Rob kept reminding folks to lean in towards each other and make eye contact. “Listen with your whole body. Use all of your senses. Get your ego out of the way. You are too worried about what others might think about you and that prevents you from truly connecting with your teammates on the task at hand.”

Another crucial quality of improvisers is their willingness to “take care of their partner”.It is all about trust really. When I develop and nurture strong relationships with my partners, I can let go of my fears and trust that we will carry each other when the time comes. We have each other’s “back”. One person’s strength compensates for another’s weakness and vice versa. As a team, we have access to more ideas, more experience, more courage than if we were just by ourselves.

One participant said “At first, I was sitting back, feeling uncomfortable. I was worried about doing this “right”. I was feeling awkward. But then I just decided to let go and have a bit of fun. That made a huge difference in the way I experienced the exercise. I got out of my own way and my teammates gained a more enthusiastic and motivated partner."

If you need just one good reason to hone your improvisational skills, I would say it is to enhance your capacity to deal with change. Rather than fighting change, you dance with it. As an improviser, we become more nimble and adaptable to what life throws our way because we know that ultimately, the solution is within us. Change is just another opportunity to get our creative juices flowing. As Rob says, “creativity is just a matter of getting our mind out of the way so that our brain can do what it is meant to do, generate brilliant ideas!”

In summary, Rob Nickerson teaches us that there improvisers have a set of basic skills that can help us be more successful in life. They are:

• Taking care of your partner

• Thinking on your feet

• Leveraging change

• Whole listening

• Working inside the box

• The power of collaboration

What do you think? Would you like to sign up for a workshop on improvisation?

In which area of your life would improvisation be the most useful right now? At work? At home? At play?

Which improv skill are you the most comfortable with? And which improv skill would you like to develop further?

What makes you happy?

I was driving back home after spending a couple of hours at my in-laws doing groceries, making them lunch and doing a bit of cleaning up. My mother-in-law had her chemo treatment number four on Friday (just two more to go) and she is not feeling very well. The radio was on and the Nickelback song If Today Was Your Last Day was playing. Usually, I'd think "this is a pretty sappy song" but today, for some reason, I paid attention to the lyrics and I had an unexpected reaction. Here is the refrain.

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day...

I thought, “if today was my last day I would be content.” I did some of my very favourite things today. I started my day off with a one hour class of yoga, then went out for some green tea and had a heart to heart talk with one of my good friends. I got a call from my husband who is at an “away” this weekend at a Ringette tournament with my youngest daughter to tell me that she had scored her first goal of the season and her team was advancing to the finals. My daughter loves Ringette and my husband anything to do with ice rinks, strategic plays and friendly competition (whether its Ringette or, his favourite, hockey). I knew they were both happy right now. My eldest daughter is dating a new boyfriend and she is floating on air these days. She actually said “I love you back” when I said I loved her.

And I did a good deed. My mother-in-law was so appreciative that I came over to help her out for a few hours. I left their house feeling really good.That is when I heard the song... If Today Was Your Last Day. I felt like all was right in my little world.

What a great feeling! I don’t have that feeling very often because I tend to look at what is missing rather than what is right. That is just my personality. Over the last two years I have been working hard at changing my attitude. Today’s “eureka” moment was a proof that my efforts are paying off. I would just not have experienced that feeling of contentment a few years ago.

Have you seen the movie “Runaway Bride” with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? In a nutshell, Julia Roberts' character Maggie, loves to be engaged but gets cold feet the day of the wedding. She has ran away from the alter four times. Richard Gere's character, Ike, is a reporter who is intrigued by this Runaway Bride and decides to write a story about her. He spends time in the little town where she lives, gets to know her and her "exes". Eventually they fall in love, get engaged, and yes, at the last minute, she runs away...again. There is a scene in the movie that struck me. Ike tells Maggie that with every one of her ex-fiancés, she morphed into a different person to please them. One fiancé tells Ike that Maggie likes her eggs over-easy. He remembers that about her because that is how he likes them. The second fiancé says that Maggie prefers her eggs poached, the third says she likes Eggs Benedict and the fourth say she likes her eggs scrambled. Ike`s point is that Maggie does not even know what she likes. After her broken engagement with Ike, Maggie spends time figuring out who she is. There is a scene where she tastes all the eggs dishes. She discovers that she likes Eggs Benedict but not any other kind.

So why am I telling you this story you wonder? In order to change my attitude towards life, I had to start with the basics. I was a lot like Maggie in the Runaway Bride movie. I was a master chameleon trying to please everyone. I could easily rime off a whole list of things that made my mother happy, my sisters happy, my husband happy, my kids happy and my boss happy...but I did not really know what made me happy. I had forgotten along the way. Realizing this, I decided one day to make a list of the things that made me happy. It took me a while, but I managed to identify quite a few things that brought joy to my life. That day, I made a decision to start choosing to include these joyful things more often in my life. What makes me happy are small things like a vase of fresh flowers or a walk in nature. Over time, as I built up my happiness muscles, I started to dream a bit bigger. I signed up for acting classes and did community theatre. I got trained as a yoga instructor. And, more recently, I left my government job to start my own consulting business.

Consciously choosing to include in your life things that make you happy is an act of self-love. The trick is to have a healthy balance of self-love with love for others. Maybe that is why I would be content if today was my last day. Today I had a healthy balance of things that made me happy and things that made others happy (and by the way, sometimes they are one and the same...)

My challenge to you this week is to write your own list of what makes you happy. I have a second challenge as well if you are up for it: choose to do at least one thing that makes you happy every day.

Let me know how that goes.