Emergence

Last Post - Fond Farewell

2011-01-09T18:04:00.000-08:00

Dear readers,

This will be my last post.

After posting on my blog diligently every week for the last two years I have decided to move on to other projects.

Writing this blog has been an adventure of the soul. It has taught me many things about myself, about others and about the world.

I looked at life a little differently these last two years. A bit like a reporter would I guess, with an intense curiosity about what is happening around them and a desire to report events back to the rest of the world with their own spin and insights. I would go about my daily life on the lookout for intriguing books, movies, events. I would see deeper meaning in banal everyday situations. And I would ask myself "what thoughts and feelings do I want to share with readers in cyberspace this week?"

I plan to keep that spirit of inquiry alive. I want to nurture an attitude of wonder in all my new ventures. That is what this blog taught me...it is all about perspective. There is always a lesson to be learned, in the momentous occasions as well as in the innocuous circumstances. You just need to open your mind and your heart to what emerges from your encounters. Magic happens. We all still have so much to learn from life.

Thanks for accompanying me along this journey.

Thanks for your words of encouragement along the way.

Many blessings,

Sylvie

Christmas Quotes

2010-12-19T15:11:00.000-08:00

A gift of quotes

This is my last post until January 10, 2011. I wish you a wonderful Holiday Season filled with happy memories like:

Watching the twinkling eyes of a child on Christmas morning;
Getting a big bear hug from a loved one;
Smacking you lips with delight after savouring your favourite dish - your sister's tourtière, you friend's latkes or your colleague's homemade chocolate truffles;
Receiving a homemade gift
Enjoying the sensation of big fat snowflakes landing on your face;
Feeling a deep sense of gratitude as you acknowledge the abundance around you.

Peace and love be with you always.

I love to collect quotes. All kinds of quotes. Quotes can convey powerful wisdom in just a few little sentences. Words that pull at heart strings. Words that are springboards to new understanding. Words that feed the soul.

Here are some of my favourite quotes about Christmas:

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. ~Author unknown, attributed to a 7-year-old named Bobby

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~Bob Hope

It is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas when its mighty Founder was a child Himself. ~Charles Dickens

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. ~Oren Arnold

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. ~Dr Seuss

>Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus!It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies!
~Francis P. Church
From the New York Sun, September 21, 1897.

Here is the integral letter to Virginia written by Francis P. Church for your reading pleasure.

A ring - a symbol of young love and a symbol of enduring love

2010-12-12T04:32:00.000-08:00

My daughter was the first and only grand child in my in-laws family for the first four years of her life, until her little sister Maya was born. Needless to say, Nadia was the apple of everyone's eyes during those years. For her grandmother Luella, Nadia was even more special because Mom had four boys and she was thrilled to have a little girl in her life. A special bond developed instantly. That bond is even stronger now, eighteen years later.

Every Christmas, since Nadia has been seven years old, she and gramma spend an afternoon Christmas shopping together. Over the years, many traditions have evolved around this yearly event. For example, there is always a stop at the Cinnabon shop for a decadent cinnamon roll (that tradition is so ingrained that where they do their shopping is determined by whether or not that shopping centre has a Cinnabon store)! Nadia and gramma cap off their day of shopping by going out for supper at a restaurant. After the meal, they come back home and hide in Nadia's room to wrap all the gifts before maman sneaks a peek... (I have a bad reputation as someone who can't wait until Christmas to find out what she got, which I have overplayed over the years because the girls get such a kick out of it. One year, the girls rigged some of their "spy gear" around the Christmas gifts stash and an alarm would ring every time I would go near it. They laughed so hard thinking that they had outsmarted their mom. I would go near the stash on purpose so that they could "catch me in the act")

Last year was a sad year for all of us. Mom was battling cancer and having chemo treatments which left her weak and ill. For the first time in ten years, gramma could not go Christmas shopping with Nadia. So I took Nadia shopping for an afternoon and drove her over to gramma's house with her stash of newly bought presents, wrapping paper and of course, cinnamon buns from Cinnabon. I left Nadia with her gramma for a couple of hours of quality time for a modified annual Christmas tradition.

This year, mom is much healthier so the Christmas shopping extravaganza was back on. Nadia and gramma went shopping yesterday afternoon and came back home tired but happy with their purchases. Gramma remarks at how every year she notices how their conversations change. When Nadia was a little girl she talked about her friends at school and her favourite toys. This year, much of their conversation centered on Nadia's boyfriend and her love life. Nadia and her boyfriend will celebrate one year together this January. Nadia is in love and wanted to buy something extra special for her boyfriend this Christmas, a gold ring. Nadia and her gramma went from one jewellery shop to another until they found the best deal. Gramma will always be part of Nadia's story of "the day I got my boyfriend a ring". Nadia and her grandmother have a privileged relationship. How many young adults to do you know that would spend hours with their grandparent sharing their feelings, happy and sad, and bring them into their most intimate world?

A ring was also at the centre of a celebration last night. Instead of going out for supper at a restaurant like they usually do, I invited Nadia and gramma back to our house for a festive meal. Just to set the context, last October 8th, Mom and Dad celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Mom did not want a big celebration and so the important milestone passed very quietly. Around that same time, I had noticed that Mom was not wearing her wedding ring and asked her about it. She said that the ring was broken and she had to put it away so that it would not get damaged any further. I asked her if I could have the ring repaired for her as a gift for their 50th wedding anniversary.

During supper last night we toasted Mom and Dad on their fifty years of married life and I gave her back the ring that a talented jeweller had brought back to its original beauty. She was touched. We were all touched when she slipped the ring back on her finger and told us the story of how she proposed to Dad. Dad's Alzheimer is slowly erasing his memories. He did not remember that story but his eyes still shone with love for his wife as she took us all down for a walk down memory lane.

Mom and Dad have collected over fifty years of memories together. Those stories will endure and still be told at family gatherings for many years to come. New stories are being created with the new generation. The Christmas shopping tradition has generated many happy memories for Nadia and gramma. And those stories will also be told. Time spent with loved ones and the memories they create is timeless...

The Island of Misfit Toys

2010-12-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

As a child, one of my favourite Christmas animated movie was the 1964 version of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

I have always had a soft spot for Rudolph. I guess I could relate to him. I too was "different" from the other kids. I had two strikes against me. I was overweight and I was a nerd. I tried to fit in. I really did. But tried as I might, I always was an outcast.

Like me, Rudolph was teased and even ridiculed. After a while Rudolph started to believe that he was not as good as the other reindeers. He stopped trying to fit in and decided to leave his birthplace in search of a place where he would really belong.

Along the way, Rudolph meets a Christmas elf named Hermey who, like Rudolph, is a misfit. Hermey is not well liked by other elves because he would rather be a dentist than a toymaker. They decide to travel together accompanied by a prospector named Yukon Cornelius. On their journey, they come upon the Island of the Misfit Toys, a dumping ground for all the toys that are unloved because they are not up to standards. Some of the Misfit Toys are a "Charlie-in-the-box" (rather than a Jack-in-the-box) a spotted elephant, a train with square wheels, a bird that doesn't fly (but swims), a cowboy who rides an ostrich and a boat that sinks.

On the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph's difference is the one thing that allows him to belong. Everyone on that island stands out from the crowd. They are unified by their differences.

It took a wise old soul; Santa Claus himself, to recognize that Rudolph's difference was actually a blessing. On a stormy Christmas Eve night, Rudolph's red nose led the way. In that instant Rudolph's difference became his best asset.

As a child, I longed for someone to appreciate my differences. I longed for a place where I could belong, like the Island of Misfit Toys. Eventually, I found that place but first, I had to accept my differences.

I think that we have all experienced a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer moment in our lives. For some, the "moment" lasted longer than for others. Be proud of your differences, your own personal "Santa" is waiting to recognize you and celebrate your uniqueness.

Christmas: a job or a joy?

2010-11-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

"OK girls, I thought that this year since you are both teenagers we could skip the Christmas tree thing and save ourselves a bit of work. What do you think?"
The girls looked at me in horror. How could their mother be such a "Grinch"?
"What do you mean no Christmas tree?" they said in unison with an incredulous look on their face.
"Well, I didn't think you would mind because you don't help me decorate the tree or to take the tree down after the holidays so I thought you didn't care one way or the other" I said in my defence.
"Oh no, you are wrong! We do care. It would not be Christmas without a traditional Christmas tree in our family room"
Maya was the most passionate of the two. She said "Nadia had Christmases with all the trimmings every year of her life. She is now eighteen. You have to keep decorating the house for Christmas and get me an Advent chocolate calendar for at least another four years until I am also eighteen just to be fair!"
"What about a small artificial tree on stand instead?" I bargained.
"No. It's got to be a regular tree with all the trimmings." they insisted
"Are you going to help me decorate it then?" I asked.
"Of course we will!" they said. (We'll see about that...)

There seems to be two experiences of Christmas in our household: mine and theirs. My experience of Christmas is a mile long "To Do" list, dish pan hands from cooking and cleaning, blistered feet from shopping which leads to exhaustion by the time the big day arrives (a bit like planning a Wedding every year and looking back at the end of the day and saying to yourself "that was great but I can't believe it is already over after all those months of preparation". Their experience (I'm referring here to my husband and my two daughters) is one of Eggnog sipping, desert sampling, and afternoons of relaxing watching Christmas shows on TV.

I don't know how I have inherited the job of Christmas master decorator, baker, shopper, gift wrapper, and all around Christmas cheer maker. And to be perfectly frank, I resent it most times.

To be truthful, I am fully responsible for this state of affair. Something has got to change... I don't want to dread all the work ahead of me to prepare for Christmas. I want to have a happy Christmas this year. I want to enjoy the whole experience and make choices with my eyes wide open.

Is decorating the house an obligation or a fun activity? It is a matter of perspective wouldn't you say? Aside from the Christmas tree (which is a non-negotiable apparently) I don't think the girls really care which Christmas knick knack I take out of the boxes in the basement. I know that my husband won't even notice if I decorate the house or not.

There are no rules that say that if you are a good mother you bake several batches of Christmas cookies and stock your freezer full of brightly coloured tins filled with million calories worth of sugary treats. (Is there?)

And for the longest time I believed that a gift was an indication of how much you loved someone therefore I would put myself under huge pressure to find the "perfect" thing to express my feelings. By the time Christmas rolls around I am so tired from all the preparations and so anxious to get everything just right that I have to admit I am not much fun to be around. What if I reframed my thinking? What if I chose a new belief: a gift is just a gift and what makes someone feel special and loved is the quality time you spent with them.

As they say "If it is meant to be, it is up to me". So I started "Operation Happy Christmas 2010" this very day. I asked each of my daughter what was their favourite Christmas decoration and took those out. I went through all the boxes of decorations and only took out my favourite ones and I enjoyed finding special spots for those decorations throughout the house. The house looks festive and I am not missing the decorations from Christmas past that remain packed away in boxes.

As for the baking, I've earmarked a Saturday in mid-December and we will make it a family affair. We will each bake our favourite Christmas cookie while listening to Christmas music and drinking eggnog. We will only be making four recipes this year - one recipe per person. That should be plenty! And, it will be fun too!

This year, I want to give experiences to the people I love rather than store bought gifts. I will buy tickets for concerts, plays, or sports events and enjoy an evening in the company of my loved ones. Making memories together is better than a gift card from a big box store any day!

What about you? Are you an overworked Christmas elf or a cheery Mrs Claus at Christmas time? Will you do anything differently this year at Christmas time?

Our Deepest Fear

2010-11-16T04:30:00.000-08:00

This week I want to share with you my favourite poem. Whenever I read it I am reminded of how amazing we humans are. If only we would let our light shine more often and more brightly, what a different world this would be...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is
within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Note: I am travelling on business for the next two weeks. My next blog will be posted on November 28.

Need to schedule your down time?

2010-11-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

I woke up with a start in the middle of the night remembering that I had forgotten to change time on the clocks to Standard Time. Before I went to bed, I had set my alarm for 8:00 am so that would have time to get ready to teach my 9:00 am yoga class but did not remember to change the time on the clock. Here I am wide awake at 5:30 am confused and a bit panicked. Do we move back the time one hour or move it forward? "We move the time back an hour" said my husband drowsily as I nudged him awake at 5:30 am. "Oh yeah" I thought, "I get to have an extra hour of sleep". I tried to go back to sleep but I tossed and turned, my subconscious still worried that I would somehow mess up and miss my yoga class. I woke up every half hour or so until I finally gave up and got up for good at 7:30 am. I got immersed in household tasks and ran out of time. I left home in a hurry at 8:45 cutting it much too close even though the fitness club is only 5 minutes away (if I am lucky and get all the green lights). I got to the club with just a couple minutes to spare before the start of my yoga class, out of breath and feeling stressed. Kind of ironic isn't it that I have to rush to go to a yoga class? Finding time to relax seems to be a stressful proposition for me.

According to an article entitled "The Time Crunch Takes its Toll" in the Globe and Mail, this Tuesday (November 2, 2010), I am part of a growing number of Canadians who are in a perpetual time crunch. The authors, Tralee Peace and Siri Agrell asked busy Canadian professionals to share their stories and opinions about on coping (or not) with the work-life juggle.

Asked what one thing we would like to change to improve work-life balance:

17.2% said they would like to do less work followed by more money (Wouldn't that be the very best scenario? Surprising that this number is not much higher!)
15.1% said they want more vacation (Again, how come this number is not any higher?)
8.1% said they wanted a different job
8.0% want a more interesting job (Maybe it is the same 8.1% who want a different job!)

Some 33% of Canadians have come to the same realization I did (almost 9 years ago) when I decided to work part time, four days a week rather than the usual 5 days of week, which reduced my pay cheque by 20%. Granted, I did the equivalent of 5 days work in four (often skipping lunches and staying late) but I had the luxury of having my Fridays off to do a workout and take care of some household duties which freed up my weekends to spend more quality time with my family.

Now that I work for myself, I rarely have a day "off". I actually work much longer hours, weekdays, evenings and most weekends. Since my office is in my home, there is no time off unless I am disciplined enough to put aside work for a period of time. It is very tempting to check emails, catch up on paperwork, prepare for the meetings and workshops of the following week, all in an effort to get organized and save time in the long run (very ironic!) Now what am I going to do about that? I will need to set some clear boundaries and schedule some "relax time. I hope that one day it will become part of my weekly routine to set aside some days of rest (weekends would be a good start!)

According to this article, 20% of leisure time has shrunk between 1998 and 2005. Vacations (and leisure time) take some planning and it appears we do not even have time to schedule down time either. Instead we let the vacation leave we are entitled to lay unclaimed. In Canada in 2009, a staggering 36.5 million vacation days have been unclaimed!

Our employers have a good thing going here because not only do we not take all of our vacation leave, but millions of us work unpaid overtime. Up to 2.6 million employees over the age of 15 worked unpaid overtime every week in 2007 and I am sure that this number has grown significantly over the last three years judging by what I see and hear when I visit workplaces these days.

To be fair, we cause much of that stress ourselves. Whether you like to admit it or not, it is the choices you make and the attitude you adopt that cause you stress. I had more than enough time to leisurely get ready for my yoga class this morning and leave in plenty of time but somehow, I missed the mark. I would agree with Mary Jane Copps who is quoted as saying "I often don't pay close enough attention to the time needed and then suddenly I'm overwhelmed or off-balance."

The article cites that when asked who most frequently cause us stress, Canadians admit that they themselves are their biggest cause of stress.

Themselves: 3 times per week
Spouse or partner: 2.1 times
Kids: 2 times
Colleagues: 1.9 times

It would seem that geography and culture has an impact on our work-life balance. According to the authors of this article, Pearce and Agrell, if you live in Quebec 50 to 54% of the population says that they are "very happy". Ontario is the bottom third with 40 to 44% and British Columbia is the very least likely to say they are "very happy" with 35 to 39%.

Francophones are often described as "bon vivant". A "bon vivant" is someone who is jovial and takes life in stride. A "bon vivant" enjoys the good things in life like good food and wine and socializing with friends. Maybe there is some truth to the saying "choose your attitude, choose your life"? I would think that Quebecers have very similar time pressures and responsibilities as their British Columbia counterparts but perhaps they manage it differently.

As a Franco-Ontarian with Quebec roots, some would call me a "bon vivant". Some of my fondest childhood memories are of the impromptu kitchen parties at Christmas time (especially) and other family gatherings. My aunt or my grandmother would get on the piano cranking out traditional "chansons à répondre". Someone would pull out the spoons and tap out the rhythm, someone else would take out the violin and everybody, adults and children, would sing and dance. If these kitchen parties are any indication of the French culture's aptitude of celebrating life and enjoying each other's company, then maybe this explains why, given similar life circumstances as other Canadians, Quebecers seem to find more ways to be happy.

But you know, this ability to find happiness throughout life's ups and downs is within everyone's grasp...it is simply a matter of choice.

Masters of Disguise

2010-10-30T14:18:00.000-07:00

Funny how Halloween has become such a big deal. As soon as the "Back to School" signs were taken down in stores in early September, the Halloween theme was in full swing. Some people decorate their houses with as much passion as for the Christmas season. I've heard it said that Halloween is the second biggest boon for retailers after Christmas! Halloween has surpassed Valentine's Day and Easter in terms of our favourite holidays. Go figure. My daughter, who is fourteen, says that after Christmas, Halloween is her second most favourite time of the year and judging by all the hoopla in stores and businesses, I think she may belong to a growing group of people.

I must say that I have fond childhood memories of Halloween. Plentiful candies (that often lasted till Christmas) sure had something to do with it although, in the sixties and seventies, when I went door to door yelling "Trick or Treat" apples were one of the most common treats we would receive (and boy did they ever weigh down our bags!) Those were the days of the razor blade scandals so my mother would go through the trouble of sorting through all the apples and make apple sauce.

Second most common treat was those hard Halloween taffy (that I am sure brought profitable business to many dentists). Personally I did not like those either. The ultimate treat though, at least where us kids were concerned, was a chocolate bar. Those were keepers for sure. Candy Rockets and Tootsie Rolls were also up there on our top ten lists of favourite candies.

In the olden days (as my teenage daughters like to term it), there was also a big push for UNICEF. Remember those little black and orange cardboard boxes that we tied around our necks like a necklace to collect money for the poor? What happened to that more altruistic side of Halloween?

Yesterday I was sitting in the food court under a big government department building and watched people go by. Many people were dressed up in full Halloween costume regalia. I was surprised actually that so many people dared to dress up in their workplace. The Federal Government is a very conservative place to work (at least in my experience) but yet, here were hundreds of Public Servants walking around as sleazy serving wenches, sexy cats or Playboy bunnies, head bangers, and motorcycle dudes. Maybe putting on those kind of costumes are kind of a rebellion against the stifling bureaucratic climate in the workplace?

Some of us may revel in the opportunity to put on a new persona at least one day out of the year. Halloween gives us a socially accepted excuse to dress up and push the envelope. It can be so much fun finding or making a costume and pretend to be someone (or something) we are not. Putting on a costume is a way to express yourself. Your costume sends a message to the world. "Here I am!" Did you know that I have a creative side? A humorous side? A sexy side? A rebellious side? A dangerous side?

What prevents us from showing our authentic self at work? Maybe it is the suit and ties or the skirts and high heels that we wear at work that are the real costumes? I certainly feel like I need to dress the part when I am visiting my government clients. What would they say if I showed up for my appointments dressed in my weekend "real me" much more comfortable clothes. What would they say if they saw my more "granola" side with flowing dresses, beaded necklaces, and yoga wear? I would probably be judged as non-professional and touchy-feely. As long as I dress the part, they seem to be more receptive to what I have to say. Interesting huh?

I am kind of disappointed that I did not have an opportunity to put on a Halloween costume this year. So I am going to make up an excuse to at least wear Halloween themed clothes. We are invited at a friend's place for a brunch on Halloween so that is a perfect reason to wear my black shirt that says "Spooky" and orange stripped black socks. Better than nothing right? You gotta seize the opportunities to have fun wherever and whenever you can.

Why can't we be more like kids? They don't pretend to be someone they are not to please others. They seem to live to have fun. As I was backing out my car out of the parking lot of a shopping centre today, I noticed a mother and her son rushing to get to their car. It was raining hard outside. The mother had a grim look on her face and had pushed the hood of her coat low over her eyes to shield herself from the rain. She was holding the hand of her little boy who was a picture in contrast. He had his face turned up to sky and had stuck his tongue out to catch the raindrops. He seemed elated. He was having fun...and it's not even Halloween yet.

Let's not wait until next Halloween to reveal parts of who we are to the world. Let's not wait until next Halloween to let loose a little and have fun.What do you say?

Difficult conversations: We need to talk, but I don't want to

2010-10-24T05:03:00.000-07:00

I was unwittingly sending "stay away from me" signals to my family members yesterday. A little nothing would set me off. Something is weighing on me and I don't know how to resolve it so my frustration seeps into my everyday life. My husband who has known me for over 30 years clued in that something was wrong. We went for a long bike ride together and he got me to fess up. I need to have a difficult conversation with a client about their unrealistic expectations and inadequate financial compensation for work done. I have tried all the good old tricks like denial, or putting on a brave face hoping that things will resolve themselves if I wait long enough, to finally come to the realization that I need to take the bull by the horns so to speak and confront this client.

I think that most people become procrastinators when it comes to having an emotionally charged conversation about a difficult topic, but in my case, I practically run away from it. I have this type of personality that craves harmony and I am willing to twist myself emotionally into a pretzel to suppress my feelings and keep the peace. But that only lasts so long and, much like a presto pot, the steam has to come out at some point or else the whole thing explodes. Not the best way to manage relationships I must agree.

Ironically, I taught a class on "How to Have Difficult Conversations" this week to a group of senior executives. I think that I need to practice what I preach.

Judy Ringer wrote an article entitled We Have to Talk: A Step-by-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations that I found very useful.

Ringer wisely suggests that the very first step to prepare for a difficult conversation is to work on you.

Step 1: What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you want to accomplish? What would success look like?

Be honest with yourself. Do you have a win-win or a win-lose mindset? Do you want to give that irritating person a piece of your mind so you can feel better or do you actually want to come to a positive resolution? Think of a parent sitting his teenager down to have a talk because things have gotten a bit out of hand. The parent tells himself that it is for the good of the child and ends up preaching and even chastising his teen's behavior in the hopes that he or she will do the right thing the next time. That is not a conversation, it is a monologue. It is a one-way conversation where the parent says you will listen to me because I am right about this.

Another approach would be to ask yourself how can I guide a two-way conversation between my teenager and I that would result in both of us feeling understood, respected and more positive about our relationship?

Step 2: What are the assumptions you are making about this person's intentions? You might be feeling undermined, ignored, ridiculed, or disrespected but do you know for sure that is what they intended? Remember that impact does not necessarily equal intent.

The other day I handed my husband a post card of a house listing that we had received in the mail from a Real Estate Agent. I exclaimed "this will be my house one day!" It was a large old fashion house surrounded by acres of wooded land. My husband immediately got onto the computer and researched the listing. "Sylvie" he said, "this is much too expensive and too far from where we live. You can't be serious?" His words were like a pin bursting the little happy balloon that I had allowed to float around in my mind.

I was not actually serious about buying this house but I liked playing with the idea. I am a perpetual dreamer. My husband, on the other hand, is a no-nonsense black and white kind of guy. I felt deflated and a bit angry at his reaction. It was as if he wanted to rain on my parade on purpose. But that was not his intention. Being a researcher, he went into research mode to evaluate the feasibility of my dream and to see if we could practically make it happen. He came to the same conclusion that I had - we could not afford that house. His way of helping was to give me objective data to make a decision while all I wanted was to pretend that it was possible just for the fun of it for a little while longer.

Step 3: What hot buttons are being pushed? Are your emotions all related to this specific situation or is there some history here that muddies your senses and thwarts your perception?

I have a friend that I adore who has boundless energy and hundreds of projects on the go. She is almost always over-committed socially and professionally. For a period of time (until I finally had a difficult conversation with her) she would make dates with me to chat on the phone or have a coffee and cancelled at the last minute, sometimes not even giving me a heads up if she could not make it and leave me waiting. After a while I started feeling quite resentful and hurt. I pretended like everything was OK between us but it wasn't. I started weaving a story in my head that she did not want to be my friend anymore but did know how to tell me. The more I thought about it, the more it became like a soap opera type of story in my mind.

The truth is that I have some childhood experiences about friendships (or lack thereof) that colored my feelings in this situation. As a child, I loved school. I read voraciously and loved doing school projects. I guess you could call me a nerd and nerds are not popular kids at school. I was also very overweight and I remember (still painfully) how it felt to be left standing alone against the wall at gym class because no one wanted me on their team.

If I was perfectly honest, some of those old emotional wounds were being triggered in this situation and I needed to be aware of that when I had the difficult conversation with my friend.

Step 4: How is your attitude towards this conversation influencing your perception of it? Your thoughts create reality. If you think that this conversation will be confrontational and painful, chances are it will be. On the other hand, if you can imagine that some good will come out of the conversation then your attitude and behavior will change accordingly.

For example, I knew that having a conversation with my friend about how hurt I felt about all the missed appointments would be difficult, but I felt it was important to tell her if we were going to continue to be friends. I had enough trust in her and our friendship to believe that the conversation would have a positive impact on our relationship in the long term.

Step 5: What about the person with whom you are having the difficulty? If you could step into their shoes for a moment to see the problem from their perspective what would you see and feel? Are they even aware that there is a problem?

Rather than seeing this person as an opponent, see him or her as a partner.

I had a boss once who was the exact opposite of me in Personality Type. I am a creative big-picture thinker and she was a down-to-earth meticulous kind of person. She insisted on reviewing all my work and made many changes (that I considered picky and inconsequential). I felt micro-managed and resented her need to know everything at all times. I felt like she did not trust my abilities to do a professional job. I tried to adapt to her style of management but I grew more and more indignant. One day, I gathered my courage and broached the subject. We were both leading a ground-breaking approach to change-management and we knew that there was much to gain from its success. That is the card I played - our strong commitment to the principles and purpose of the change project. In order for the project to succeed, we had to find a way to work together that would capitalize on both our strengths and skills. Detailed routine paperwork did not bring the best out of me. I needed some leeway to create and implement a way forward that would best serve the organization.

Step 6: Identify what are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?

In this situation with my boss, we had a common concern. We wanted to demonstrate that our novel approach to change management would yield strong commitment to change at every level of the organization. In order to feel like she was on the right track to deliver on this promise, my boss felt like she had to control every aspect of the work. I, on the contrary, felt that we needed to allow ourselves to experiment, to innovate, to take calculated risks and learn from our mistakes and most importantly...trust the process.

Step 7: How have you contributed to the problem? How have they?

That is probably the most difficult and the most important question. When there is a communication break-down, both parties have a responsibility. We each need to own up to our mistakes.

What role did you play in this difficult situation? What would you do differently if you could turn back the clock? Acknowledge this to the other person.

When I spoke to my friend about how hurt I had been when she kept cancelling our appointments, I also admitted that I should have spoken up a lot sooner than I did. Because I was afraid of her reaction, I perpetuated the problem by pretending that everything was fine between us. It was not. And she did not know because I did not tell her.

Judy Ringer concludes her article by saying that "a successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say."

Having written this article, I feel better prepared for having a difficult conversation with my client and my family will attest that my mood has vastly improved over yesterday. It's pretty amazing what a little time out to reflect and prepare will do to your moral!

Notice what is Right With Your World

2010-10-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

What would happen if you gave your over-exercised problem spotting and problem solving muscle a little break? Instead, use your gratitude binoculars to spot what is working well. You may not realize it right now, submerged in the dark thoughts of the "if only" or the "poor me" or your life, but there are many sun rays to brighten your day. Acknowledge all the things in your life that are going smoothly and even, dare I say it, spectacularly! It is just a matter of looking at your life with a different attitude. Love what is in your life. All of it. And if it is not there, love what can be. Love the possibilities. Feel them intensely as if your future was already here.

If you are anything like me, this will take some practice. (Lot's of practice in my case!) You have to retrain your brain and your heart, day to day, minute to minute. You need to go out in the world seeking the bright spots and intensifying the light they shed so that joy permeates your being. And, you have to catch yourself thinking dark thoughts, the "awfulizing" and all the drama that comes with it. Notice when the negative voice in your head pipes up, and say "thank you for sharing but I am choosing a different thought right now, one that will bring me more happiness." Rayona Sharpnack, a professional coach, with whom I took a one week intensive training course said something that always stuck with me "Your mind is a dangerous neighbourhood, don't go there alone." Your heart and your intuition (which taps into your higher self) are much more reliable sources of wisdom. Just trust what you know with a capital "K". As Oprah would say, "What do you know for sure?"

What I know for sure is that we are meant to be happy and fulfilled. Maybe we have everything we need to be happy already but we just don't see it... On this 10th day of the 10th month of 2010, I invite you to "trade up" your worn old eyeglasses and choose a more high tech pair that can radar in the good things of life. Catch people doing things right. More importantly, catch yourself doing things right. You will be surprised at how much there is to be grateful for!

How about it? Can you resolve to consciously and systematically notice the good things in your life for the next week? Too hard? Start with just one day then. How about today? It is Thanksgiving after all!

May you be happy on this Thanksgiving Day. I leave you with this poem by John O'Donahue.

May you listen to your longing to be free.
May the frames of your belonging be large enough for the dreams of your soul.
May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart
...something good is going to happen to you.
May you find harmony between your soul and your life.
May the mansion of your soul never become a haunted place.
May you know the eternal longing that lies at the heart of time.
May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within.
May you never place walls between the light and yourself.
May you be set free from the prisons of guilt, fear, disappointment and despair.
May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you,
mind you, and embrace you in belonging.
- John O'Donahue

Rules for happiness

2010-10-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

Happiness is a state of being that has been elusive to me all my life. I don't know why. I am not wired properly perhaps?

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. Intellectually I know that. But my heart does not feel the happiness. Instead, of appreciating what is, I focus on what is missing in my life. I can't help it seems.

Lately, I have been trying to remedy this. There is hope for people like me. In an article in Time Magazine entitled The New Science of Happiness (2004) by Claudia Wallis the work of Martin Seligman on Positive Psychology is showcased. According to Seligman, we can raise our level of happiness. Happiness can be learned.

This involves working on the three components of happiness— getting more pleasure out of life (which can be done by savoring sensory experiences, although, he warns, “you’re never going to make a curmudgeon into a giggly person”), becoming more engaged in what you do and finding ways of making your life feel more meaningful.

Gratitude exercises can do more than lift one’s mood. I have kept a Gratitude Journal for over seven years. Every night before bed I pulled out my journal and wrote down five things I was grateful for in my day. I went to sleep thinking happy. As I look back on my journals now I notice that it is the small things that make me happy: the fresh cup of coffee in the morning, the compliment I got on a job well done, the hug from my husband when I get home from work, spending quality time with my daughters or the leaves changing colors in fall. I stopped writing in my journal a year or so ago when it began to feel like just another task on my "To do" list. Instead, I have gotten into the habit of doing a gratitude prayer just before I go to bed, rhyming off in my head all the things that made me happy during the day. (These days I can easily list over 10 things - it used to be hard to find five!)

Another happiness booster, say positive psychologists, is performing acts of altruism or kindness—visiting a nursing home, helping a friend’s child with homework, mowing a neighbour’s lawn, writing a letter to a grandparent.

I had dinner with my dear friend Bob this week. He was in town for a week-long meeting. He lives in Halifax and I live in Ottawa. We don't see each other much but we keep in touch by email and phone. This summer, when my family and I travelled to Cape Breton, we made a detour to Halifax to visit with my friend Bob and his wife Jill. We had a great evening together feasting on seafood at a local restaurant and enjoying the acts in the Buskers Festival in the port of Halifax. When I got back home I printed off some of the pictures I took during that evening and mailed them to Bob with a heartfelt note of thanks on a handmade card. Bob said that it was so nice to receive this card with mementoes of our evening together. He and his wife Jill were reflecting on how it used to be good manners to send a Thank You note to hosts after a dinner and that this tradition is being lost. They really appreciated the thoughtfulness.

The single most effective way to turbo-charge your joy, according to Seligman, is to make a “gratitude visit.” That means writing a testimonial thanking a teacher, pastor or grandparent—anyone to whom you owe a debt of gratitude—and then visiting that person to read him or her the letter of appreciation. “The remarkable thing,” says Seligman, “is that people who do this just once are measurably happier and less depressed a month later. But it’s gone by three months.”

Karen was my boss at the Health Department. She was leading an innovative health promotion initiative and hired me on the spot to be a Special Events Coordinator. I had no previous job experience in that field but she saw my potential right away. I am a creative and energetic person and I had a ball coming up with novel ways of promoting heart health in our community. Our pilot project was a huge success and maybe my most rewarding job as a public servant. Twenty years later Karen and I are still friends. A couple of years ago, I announced to Karen my intention of leaving my job with the federal government to start my own business. I seized that moment to thank her for helping me believe in myself. I told her that I had learned so much from her. She was a visionary leader with a can do attitude. She made her staff feel like they part of her family. We were so proud of what we accomplished together. Karen became a bit emotional when I told her this. I felt so good about giving something back to her.

Less powerful but more lasting, says Seligman, is an exercise he calls three blessings—taking time each day to write down a trio of things that went well and why. “People are less depressed and happier three months later and six months later.” according to Seligman's research.

So you see happiness can be learned.

Rubin Gretchen's book entitled The Happiness Project inspired me one beautiful summer day this July sitting on the deck of my mother`s cottage to write my own list of what makes me happy.

I listed every letter of the alphabet on the left margin of a page and found at least one word for each letter that represented something that makes me happy. Some letters were a challenge like X and Z but surprisingly, I easily came up with words for each letter and in some cases, many many words.

"A": art, angels, antiques, Australia
"B": biking, Buddhism, warm baths
"C": chocolate, candles, canoeing, fresh ground coffee

Gretchen Rubin developed a list of Twelve Commandments for her year-long experiment on happiness.

Some of her commandments are:

Let it go
Act the way I want to feel
Do it now
Lighten up

I decided that in the interest of learning to be happy, I would develop my own set of rules for happiness (15 rules so far and counting)

Be me (be Sylvie!)
Dance and sing
Ask myself: "Do I really want this?" and make a conscious choice
Move my body
Spend time in nature
Say "thank you" often
Give LOVE freely
My body is my temple: eat and drink accordingly
Breathe deeply
Get rid of clutter: mental and physical
See the world through a child's eyes
I am not alone...
Live life to the fullest
Don't sweat the small stuff
Imagine and create

One of the things that kept coming up on my lists of happiness was dancing. So I wondered, if I love dancing so much, how come I am content waiting for the next wedding or conference formal dinner to have a chance to dance? How could I make dancing a bigger part of my life? I could sign up for flamenco or tango classes but that would just add to my already jam packed schedule. Then it dawned on me. The fitness club where I teach yoga has Zumba classes twice a week that I do not have to pay or sign up for since I am an instructor there! I can just go when I have the time and the urge. Zumba is a mix of Latin inspired high energy dances. The first Zumba class I did I had a smile on my face the whole time. I loved it. Getting a real workout and having fun at the same time. It sure beats running my usual route in the neighbourhood to tally up the kilometres in preparation for my next race!

This week, I challenge you to think about happiness and more specifically to make your own "A to Z" list of what makes you happy.

Please share it with me and my readers. Maybe I will be inspired (or reminded) to add something else to my growing list of happy things.

The Golden Buddha - Your Golden Core

2010-09-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

I went for a long bike ride in the countryside yesterday and I marvelled at how nature had changed since my last ride in that area. There were unmistakable signs of autumn everywhere. The summer just flew by!

There were acres after acres of corn - yellowing stalks of corn standing proud in the field, swaying gently in the wind. This scene reminded me of a corn feast I had a few weeks ago. I was at the local grocery store picking up some food for supper in a small town to the west of Ottawa when a farmer drove up to the front of the store with a truck full of freshly picked Peaches and Cream corn. They were a real bargain, eight ears of corn for $1.99. I just had to pick some up.

That night we ate our meal outside (the last picnic of the summer). Was it a combination of the beautiful scenery as the sun set over the lake, the good company, or the hearty appetite after an active day spent playing outside that made the meal so tasty? The corn was so good: crisp, juicy and sweet.The children slathered the corn with gobs of butter and ate with gusto. In my opinion, corn is one of the true joys of late summer days.

If you look at nature with a child's eyes, it is a world of wonder. Like corn. Perfect rows of creamy ivory and bright yellow kernels promising a tasty treat. A small treasure revealed underneath a husk.

Come to think of it, there are many things in nature that offer real delights under ordinary and banal exteriors. A deep red rose sprouting from a tiny non-descript seed. A baby bird emerging from a fragile shell. A pearl born from a grain of sand in an oyster shell.

What is the message? "Do not judge a book by its cover" as the saying goes. Be willing to seek for treasures lying deep inside ordinary exteriors?

This reminds me of a story that my friend Janice Parviainen included in her book Courage to Love Yourself.

In 1957, a group of Tibetan monks were informed that a highway was being built and the highway would have to go through the location where the shrine for which they were responsible was currently located. A huge clay Buddha, would have to be moved.

On the day of the move, a crane began lifting the clay Buddha. The Buddha, as it rose off of its block resting place, began to crack. It was far heavier than all the engineers had estimated. A storm was brewing so the work had to be interrupted until the next day. The statue was covered up with tarp to protect it from the elements.

During the night, the head monk awoke and decided to check on the Buddha. With a flashlight, the monk carefully checked the condition of the Buddha. As he walked around the huge clay figure shining his light on the cracks, something caught his eye. He returned to the spot on which he had just shined his light. He peered into the crack. What he saw he did not understand. He needed to see more. He went back to his quarters, found a chisel and a hammer and returned to the Buddha. He began carefully chipping at the clay around the crack. As the crack widened, he could not believe his eyes. He ran to wake the other monks and instructed each to bring a hammer and chisel.

By lantern light the monks carefully chipped all the clay from the Buddha. After hours of chiselling, the monks stepped back and stared in awe at the sight before them. There, in front of the monks, stood a solid gold Buddha. When the moving crew arrived later that morning to complete the job of moving the Buddha to its new location, there was much confusion and excitement. Where had the clay Buddha gone? From where had the Golden Buddha come?

After much research, the pieces of the story were put together. The Golden Buddha was the cherished responsibility of a group of monks several centuries earlier. These monks received word that the Burmese army was headed their way. Concerned that the invading army would loot the shrine for its Golden Buddha, the monks covered their Buddha with 8 to 12 inches of clay. When they were finished the Golden Buddha appeared to be a Buddha of clay. The invading army would surely have no interest. The monks were correct. The invading army had no interest in the Buddha. They did, however, kill all the monks before they moved on. The Golden Buddha was lost in history until 1957.

There is a Golden Buddha inside each of us. Hidden away and covered with layers and layers of clay. We start out life as a true Golden Buddha. Then life pulls us away from our true self. In an effort to fit in we start hiding our authentic self for of fear not being enough, for shame of how we might be perceived or for a misplaced desire to please.

Life's trials and tribulations compel us to superimpose layers of mud onto or inner brilliance to protect ourselves from further hurt and disappointment. We get busy creating the face we want to present to the world, smoothing the clay here, enhancing the covering there. Pretty soon we get so comfortable under those layers of mud that we lose sight of our true drive. We cannot acknowledge our golden core. And because everyone else walks around covered with mud we also forget to look beneath the muddy casing for the gifts that others might have to offer.

This is your chance to shine a flashlight onto your inner core, your authentic self. What could shine brilliantly if you aimed a light at it? If you allowed it to see the light of day? What gifts are you hiding from others...yourself even?

What are the difficult life experiences that became layers of mud onto your inner core? Name them. Those experiences belong to the past. You are no longer the person of yesterday. You are the you of the "Now", this present moment. Much wiser and much stronger for having lived through those experiences. In this moment, you can choose to keep the painful memories alive or let them go. Let the pain vanish with the memory. Uncover your golden Buddha by chiselling away the ancient mud, one sorrowful memory at a time.

Revel in your untapped potential. Resolve to present your true self to the world. Be bold. Present your glorious golden face to the world. We will all reap the rewards.

I think that Marianne Williamson says it best in her poem "Our Deepest Fear"

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Birthdays - A Chance to Say "I Love You"

2010-09-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

September is a busy month of celebrations for us. On the same day, September 17, we celebrate the birthday of my husband's grandfather (my adopted grandfather is now 103 years old!!!); my sister's husband Roly (who just turned 50), and my sister-in-law (who lives in Australia). Two days later, it is my nephew's birthday. (He sent us an email earlier this week asking us to come over for a birthday dinner because, as he put it "turning 12 years old is a big deal and I want to make sure all my family is there to celebrate".) A few days after that, it is my husband's birthday (who is impossible to buy for - he never needs or wants anything), my younger sister is the following day and my best friend is three days later.

This morning I was grumbling a bit. Twice this week I went out shopping for my long list of presents (almost felt like a Christmas list!) but still had not found the perfect gift for my brother-in-law. I wanted to get something extra special to commemorate his fiftieth birthday (maybe it is even more meaningful to me than most because I am just 9 months away from celebrating my 50th birthday too.) Roly, my brother-in-law loves blue herons. He has a growing collection of sculptures of herons in his home; he even has a heron tattooed on his back. During my travels in BC I saw many depictions of herons in Haida art and admired the raw energy of that type of art. I was determined to find either a Haida print or a stylized sculpture of a heron as a gift for Roly. I visited many stores but no luck. This morning I got up early and convinced my husband to have breakfast downtown as an excuse to make a special trip to Snow Goose, a store near the Parliament Building that specializes in Inuit and Native Canadian art. And there I found it, the perfect gift, a framed print of a heron perched on a Haida canoe by a BC artist. Eureka!

Now to put this little escapade to find the "perfect" gift in context, you need to know that I clocked 12-14 hour days this week working feverishly to meet ridiculously short deadlines on several projects and dealing with the many unexpected twists and turns that come from working with government departments these days. I did not have time to shop. Let alone dedicate half a day to driving downtown, search for an elusive parking spot and traipse over to this hard to get to store. But I am very happy I did. I can't wait to see Roly's reaction when he opens his gift at the big party tonight.

You see, turning 50 is a momentous occasion for Roly and because I care for him, his birthday is important to me as well. What gives significance to a birthday is not only a matter of how old you are becoming. Grandfather appreciated our visit yesterday but he did not want us to make a big fuss "I've had 103 birthdays. Too many if you ask me." Grandfather's birthday was more important to us, his family, than it was to him... On the other hand, my nephew can't wait to turn twelve. In his short life, 12 years old seems like a big milestone. Maybe it is significant because at twelve years old he can babysit for money and go to bed later than his brother and sister. Or maybe being twelve is important to my nephew because he decided that it was going to be a special year no matter what. Who knows? If it is important to him, it is important to us.

On your birthday you get to be the center of attention in your little circle of family and friends. It is the one day in the year that you can call your own. As I grow older, the ritual of marking the passing of one more year of life becomes more meaningful. It is not so much about the birthday cake and the gifts (although those are very nice), but about the opportunity a birthday provides to reflect on the year that has passed and make wishes for the year to come.

Every year on my birthday, I take the day off and spend time on my own (preferably outside, somewhere in nature) meditating on who I am becoming. I look back at the proud moments I've had during the year and the trials I have surmounted. What did I have to let go of? Limiting Ideas about myself or others? Old patterns? Personality traits that are tripping me up (see last week's post on perfectionism). Perhaps I even had to let go of dreams that had become stale or just did not fit me anymore. What do I choose to do now? Will I finally make some time to take dance lessons to bring a bit more fun and joy into my life? Will I find my way through my daughters' difficult teenage years? Will my husband and I finally book that trip to Greece we've been talking about for so many years? Will I spend more time nurturing my friendships?

I think that birthdays are the perfect time to do a bit of personal strategic planning. Where have I been? What are the values I hold dear? And where am I going? How will I unlock my potential and continue to grow?

Of course, birthdays are an ideal time to say "I love you" to your loved ones (we never say it enough) and... to say "I love you" to yourself.

In Praise of Simple

2010-09-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I am a perfectionist. I want things to be just so and I drive myself crazy trying to achieve the impossible - perfection! Perfectionism has been a lifelong curse. I can see that now.

I never have a moment's peace. There is always something more I need to do to get things just right. There is always something else I have to do to attain the next goal. Perfectionism is a cruel task master. The quest for perfection is an endless quest.

As I grow older, I can I look at myself with more objective eyes. I know intellectually that perfectionism is a choice that I keep making day after day, moment after moment. Yes, I did say it is a choice that I make. A choice implies that there are other options. I have the option of downgrading my impossible standards and accepting something that is good enough rather than perfect.

So what is good enough? I did a bit of research and was surprised that there are actual theories out there about "good enough" such as:

Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule): the law of the vital few, and the principle of factor sparsity states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

KISS principle: KISS is an acronym for the design principle "Keep it simple, Stupid". Other variations include "keep it short and simple" or keep it simple and straightforward. The KISS principle states that simplicity should be a key goal in and that unnecessary complexity should be avoided.

Occam's Razor principle: The popular interpretation of this principle is that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Simplest is not defined by the time or number of words it takes to express the theory; "simplest is really referring to the theory with the fewest new assumptions."

How can I apply these principles in my life? How can I learn to let go? How can I accept something that is less than perfect in my eyes for my own good and... for my own sanity.

For me, I think the easiest way to get to "good enough" is through simplicity. Simplicity is easy and effortless. In the name of simplicity, I might be more willing to let go of the long list of "shoulds" I impose on myself to realize the unattainable image of perfection I carry in my mind. Rather than channelling Martha Stewart for my next dinner party, maybe I could take a page from Jamie Oliver's, the Naked Chef, song book (or should I say "recipe" book!).

Some of my best dinner parties were impromptu get together with friends and neighbours, eating take-out pizza and a quick salad I concocted with the veggies we had in the fridge. The fun did not depend on crisp linen table clothes, fresh bouquet of flowers, my good china and sparkling cutlery. I had fun because I had no time to think about what perfection would look like if I was to orchestrate it so I just went with the flow.

And while we are on the topic of food, I have to put in a good word for Dairy Queen and grocery store bakeries. As my daughters were growing up, one the highlights of their birthday party was the birthday cake of course. Every year I would try to outdo myself. Cutting and icing the cake in the shape of Barney the purple dinosaur, a Barbie doll, or a Disney princess. As they grew older, they started requesting grocery store cakes with garish blue and purple icing and little toys stuck in the cake. Now that they are teens, they politely decline my offer to make a cake and ask that I pick up and ice cream cake at Dairy Queen instead. One less thing to do on my perfect birthday party "to do" list. Much easier that way.

This summer when we travelled to Cape Breton in Nova Scotia, we rented a cottage by the beach for a few days. While we were there, I had us running from one activity to another like a tour guide on Red Bull. I wanted our vacation to be perfect so I made sure that we didn't miss out on anything that the region had to offer: sea kayaking, hiking, biking, souvenir shopping and sea food sampling. As it turns out, one of my favourite memories of that trip was on the day we were leaving the cottage. I got up early in the morning, made some coffee and sat the balcony looking out at the ocean. My husband came to join me. We just sat there quietly enjoying the sun warming our faces and listening to the waves. I was content doing nothing...not a thing!

The little black dress is another ode to simplicity. More than once I have stressed over what to wear for a special occasion. I have spent countless hours shopping for just the right outfit, the right shoes, the right stockings, and the right jewellery just to have last minute doubts as I am dressing an hour before the event. That is why every woman needs a flattering "go everywhere" little black dress in her closet. A dress you can slip on in the spur of the moment and feel beautiful. No agonizing over fashion do's and dont's. Just put the dress on and go.

Dinner parties, vacation and fashion are one thing but seeking simplicity at work is another thing altogether for a staunch perfectionist. However, to my surprise, I actually can think of examples when simplicity gave better results than attempts at perfection.

The first strategic planning session I ever facilitated was a daunting task. The group was working towards getting ISO certified and had three recent failed attempts at getting consensus on a mission statement. They called me in to help. I felt unnerved, how could I possibly get them to consensus when they had failed to do so three times already?

So I did what the facilitation books say you should do in these situations: prepare, prepare and prepare. I spent a lot of time fact-finding, researching, planning, designing and redesigning, and came up with what I thought was a good process. But then the voice of doubt crept into my head "These people are all scientists, they will expect you to be logical, analytical and serious. They will expect you to have fancy overheads with bar graphs and pie charts. Your design is not good enough. You need to work harder at it." Thankfully reason prevailed in the end. I didn’t give a theoretical presentation of the organizational benefits of having a Strategic Plan and I did not rely on stats and graphs to make my point. Instead, I decided to be myself.

I came up with a design that would deliver the goods but also allowed me to be me: use of metaphors, storytelling, humour and lots of dialogue. My approach worked beautifully. People laughed, they started to relax with each other and we built enough trust in the group to hold frank and somewhat contentious conversations. Once every one had a chance to be heard, we were able to draft a mission statement that everyone could support.

I think that sometimes perfectionism masks a fear of not being enough. I hold a deep seated belief that if I just myself, it simply won't be good enough. So I throw myself into preparation, planning and doing in hope that I will not disappoint...others and myself!

Maybe the real answer to what is enough is "just be yourself." No artifice. No pretence. Just being. It is pretty simple after all.

Simplicity is freeing. Simplicity is the road out of the perfectionism jungle. Simplicity will bring me more happiness.

My mission for the next few months (before I officially enter my 50th year) is to seek simplicity anywhere and everywhere I go as I banish the perfectionist monster from my life.

Can you help me? How do you simplify your life?

What Kind of Fun Are You Having?

2010-09-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

"Maman! Maman! Guess what I am doing with my new friends this Friday. We are going to dress in our favourite Manga characters and go the shopping centre!" said my daughter Maya excitedly one late afternoon when she came back from school. This week was her first week back to school, officially starting secondary in grade 9. On the first day of school, the city bus that is hired to take the kids to a downtown school didn't show (I was told by the School Board that it was a pressure tactic from the union of bus drivers who are upset with the current contract negotiations - can you believe it?). Maya was stranded at the transit station having to make her way to school using the regular bus routes. That is when she met her new friend; Jan. Maya had noticed Jan right away when she got on the bus that took them to the transit station because she was wearing Manga / Anime themed clothes and accessories. (Maya is obsessed with Manga: she watches Manga on the Internet, she draws the characters,her room is papered with Manga posters and her shelves are stuffed with Manga books and toys.) As it turns out, Jan goes to the same school as Maya and is a bit older than her. She took Maya under a wing and they made it school (although they had to transfer buses three times and did quite a bit of walking).

That chance encounter in a tricky situation was serendipity. Maya looked forward to going to school every day to spend lunch time and recess with her new friend and Jan's group of friends...all obsessed about Manga. This led to their grand plan to do Cosplay at the local shopping centre on a Friday night. Cosplay is short for "costume play". It is a type of performance art in which participants don costumes and accessories to represent a specific character from popular fiction in Japan such as Manga and Anime.

Given that all these girls go to a special school for the arts and have a natural knack for performance, I guess it makes sense that parading in cartoon character costumes in public places (when it is not even Halloween) is their idea of fun. Personally, Cosplay is not my idea of fun, but as a parent who is trying to "grow" with her children and expand my horizons, the least I can do is encourage my daughter to dare doing what appeals to her heart.

I am good at encouraging other to have fun but not so good at allowing me to have fun (see last week's blog about "play".)

Gretchen Rubin, who wrote the book The Happiness Project, says that "fun" falls into three categories: challenging fun; accommodating fun and relaxing fun. I like her descriptions of fun. They resonate with me.

Challenging fun is the most rewarding but also the most demanding. It takes time and energy to organize these types of fun activities and often requires running errands. Examples of challenging fun activities are organizing a baby shower for your best friend; coordinating the United Way campaign fund raising activities for your office; putting together a vacation memories binder with photos, maps and ticket stubs; or learning a new skill like playing a musical instrument.

Accommodating fun is less challenging but still requires a bit of effort. It is the kind of fun that you do to build relationships. Some examples of accommodating fun might be going to a family holiday dinner; spending a day at the Amusement Park with the kids; or going to the neighbour's 50th birthday party. For the longest time I felt guilty to admit publicly that building sand castles in the sand box with my young daughters was not something I had particularly enjoyed. Yes, it was pleasant, but I did it mostly because my daughters liked it. Now I can fess up and say that I was having some "accommodating fun" to strengthen my relationship with my daughter's and to create good memories.

Relaxing fun is the easiest kind of fun. You do not have to improve skills or even take action. There is no need to coordinate with other people or to prepare anything. Relaxing fun is passive. Relaxing fun is the art of just being. The most popular form of relaxing fun is watching TV. For me, reading a book; watching the waves of the ocean crash on the beach; stargazing or biking in the countryside are way more fun than watching TV.

Research shows that challenging fun and accommodating fun bring the most happiness over the long run because tap into what makes people the happiest: strong personal bonds, mastery and personal growth.

Yesterday, I had some relaxing fun just sitting on the porch of my mother's cottage overlooking a lake. I felt the warm breeze on my face, listened to the leaves of the trees dancing in the wind, watched the waves on the water. I had some challenging fun working on a PowerPoint presentation for a client using the Wizard of Oz as a backdrop to talk about leadership. I finished my day of fun with a bit of accommodating fun when I treated my daughter's friends to an impromptu pizza supper after they got drenched in the rain and had to stop their Cosplay adventure prematurely.

Recognizing that there are different types of fun - some that require time and effort and others that require that you put the needs of others ahead of yours - helps me get a healthy perspective on fun. Fun is not just fun and games. (Ha!) Fun is not necessarily effortless. Sometimes, having fun requires a bit of energy and dedication. Maybe there is hope for me yet. I already know how to work hard so maybe I can work not so hard and have fun in the process.

Can you come up with your own list of types of fun? I would love it if you could inspire me to have fun by sharing with me your own list of fun things to do. At this stage, learning about fun is still challenging fun for me...

Teach me how to play

2010-08-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

I had just dropped off my daughter at her Kendo lesson (Japanese bamboo sword fighting) and was contemplating what I would do for the next hour and a half until it was time to pick her up.
In that end of town, there is a store that I like to visit. It is called Serendipity Books and Gifts. The sign on the door says "Happy discoveries by chance" and that has proven true for me over the years. More than once I have found just the right thing at the right time.

At the back of the store I heard a man's grovelling voice behind a screen. I saw a sign that announced that Brian was giving Tarot Card readings today, $15. for 15 minutes. I was intrigued. I went to the cash to chat with P.J. the shop's owner. I had not had a reading in ages and for some strange reason, I felt compelled to ask "Any chance I can see Brian today? Is he fully booked?" P.J. replied that as luck would have it, she had one last slot available an hour later so I took it.

The first card that Brian turned was a Two of Pentacles. "Spirit is telling you that you need to build more time for play in your life." Brian went on to explain "You have invested a lot of time and energy in setting up your business. You have been worrying about your ability to succeed in these tough economic times but it will be just fine. You are on the right path. It is time for you to enjoy life a bit more. Lighten up. Have some fun."

I guess this advice would be valuable for most people in this day and age but the importance of play really resonated with me. Play, or the lack of it in my life, has been weighing on my mind these last few months. This is going to sound silly but I am not sure that I know how to play.

I was one of those kids that acted more like an adult than a free-spirited child. It seems like I have been serious and responsible forever. My mother says that as a child I would cry often. It was not a whining cry or a cry of for attention. I cried because I was truly sad as if I was carrying the weight of the world. I repeated the same words over and over again "Pleure, pleure, vivie" (Sylvie is crying and crying) as big tears rolled down my cheeks. In many of my childhood pictures I am either crying or dead serious. Poor kid!

While my sisters invented all sorts of games where they pretended to be wild adventurers, pirates, nurses, animal trainers and restaurant chefs, I sat idly on the sidelines as an observer. My favorite past time was reading and pretending I had a class full of students that I was teaching as I wrote on the blackboard in our basement. My sisters would be cavorting outside, climbing trees, hanging upside down from the swings, spraying each other with the water hose squealing with laughter while I would sit quietly reading or staring into space thinking. Yes, I did wish that I could join them in their games but I did not know how...to play.

So here I am, almost fifty, still not knowing how to play. I can't help it, my mind is focused on the running "To Do" list of my life: do the dishes, do the laundry, do the groceries, drop off and pick up the kids, write the proposal, write the report, work on the website, etc. I play this little game with myself. I declare that once the work is done, I will have time for play. But as you know, the work is never done. I think that my biggest challenge is to give myself permission to get off the merry-go-round of activities even though there is still work to be done. Maybe, to start with, I actually need to schedule some play time. Maybe, I need to enlist the help of loved ones who are good at making time to play...like my husband for example. Maybe, I need to not make play a goal to attain but simply a state of being.

While we were on vacation in Cape Breton, we went on a whale watching boat tour. The boat captain warned us that because there was a strong north wind and lots of waves, it was hard to spot the whales. In the early afternoon tour, they had not spotted a single one. He gave us the option of coming back another day free of charge. Everyone stayed on the boat hoping that we would be luckier than the last group. After close to two hours of scanning the waves for whales with no luck, the captain turned the boat around and headed for port. We all felt deflated. The sun was shining and the coastal scenery of the Cape Breton Highlands was awe inspiring but...we had not seen any whales. All of a sudden, a black form jumped out of the waves to our right. The captain cranked the motor and headed towards the whale. It jumped again. We all ran over to that side and pointed our fingers towards the whale excitedly. The children were squealing with delight. The adults were just as pleased but less exuberant. Many tried to capture the moment on camera and shot hundreds of pictures (my husband has 20 minutes of video showing mostly waves with the odd black fin popping out for a few seconds!) A little girl next to me said to her mother that watching the whales was even better than the shows at Walt Disney World!

We got lucky. We found a pod of pilot whales and followed them for a good half hour. We saw at least three dozen whales. At one point, they were surrounding the boat and we could see them from all angles. There was a baby whale that jumped alongside its mother in perfect unison. They were such a joy to watch. Every time I saw them jump, my heart smiled and skipped a beat. We even saw a school of dolphins making perfect arches above the waves three and four at a time. Nature gifted us with a rare sight.

Maybe nature can teach me something about play. The whales do not worry about balancing work with play. Every day brings its share of work - looking for food - and play - frolicking with friends and family. They just follow their heart's desires. There is no daily agenda. No mission statement. No strategic plan. No guilt. The work and the play just happen...all in good time.

Epilogue:

I guess writing this blog has inspired me. I just came back from "playing" outside.

It is the end of August and we are in the midst of a heat wave. It was 36 degrees with the Humidex factor today. It is Sunday but I have been working on my computer most of the day. I wanted to go out for a bike ride today but there was too much work to get done so I kept postponing it. When I looked out the window from my office, I noticed that the sun was beginning to set. I was just a few lines short of finishing my blog. It will be too late for a bike ride by the time I finish I thought sadly, or...maybe not! I dropped everything, quickly pulled on some workout clothes and got my bike out of the garage. The sky was streaked with pink ribbons. The air was mild with still a tinge of the day's heat. I could smell the sweet scent of the clovers in the field. I decided to tack on a couple of extra kilometres to my route even though it was beginning to get dark. I "raced" home so I could make it before it got completely dark. I accelerated my pace, pushing my limits. I felt my heart pumping and the wind on my face. And I smiled. I was having fun, without even planning to!

Seize the day

2010-08-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a book entitled The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The author had an epiphany one rainy afternoon as she was riding the city bus: ״The days are long, but the years are short. Time is passing, and I'm not focusing enough on the things that really matter. ״Rubin decides then and there that happiness would be her new life project for the next twelve months. She focused to improve her life as it was - no exotic trips, no impulsive change of job or change of life-partner. Rubin wanted to cultivate happiness in her own backyard. Every month she boldly tackled a new set of resolutions that were key to her leading a happier life. The book recounts her adventures and the lessons learned, some surprising, and others predictable but comforting.

The book had been calling to me for a couple of months now. Every time I went to the bookstore (which is quite often - books are one of my favourite things!) my eyes always spotted the blue cover of The Happiness Project book. I would pick it up, look at the back cover and the inside cover and think. ״Wow, this is cool. I wish I had the guts to do the same thing. ״Then I would put the book back on the shelf with a sigh. For some odd reason, a week ago I saw The Happiness Project book again, picked it up and marched right to the cash. I purchased the book without a second thought. I guess, I was finally ready to read it and absorb the lessons...

The book is inspiring me to seek more occasions to be happy or would it be more accurate to say that I am now looking at my life with a different pair of eyeglasses? Rather than creating new reasons to be happy, I am appreciating more the key ingredients to happiness that are already in my life. Sadly, I think that I have become numb to the little joys of my life. I take them for granted. I don't really taste my cup of freshly ground coffee in the morning, or smell my luxurious mango scented shower gel or feel my husband's hugs with all my senses. I am blessed. I have so many things to be thankful for but I forget to acknowledge all the goodness in my life.

When I was away in Victoria (BC) in July, I got reacquainted with the carefree Sylvie is passionate and has a zest for life. I had missed her so much. It is great fun to hang out with her. The vacation Sylvie is so funny and playful. She has an adventurous spirit and is unafraid. On the last day of my trip, I was feeling sad. I realized that I did not want to go home and that scared me a little until I recognized that what I was dreading the most was who I become at home. The home and work Sylvie is stern. She is a task-master and a party-pooper. She has an endless ״ To Do״ list and does not feel good until every item has been scratched off the list (which, by the way, is NEVER!). She can't rest because there is always work to do. If, by any chance, a loved one manages to drag her off to have some fun somewhere, there is a part of her that stays behind worrying about the stuff she needs to do.

Even though I am aware that I have a split personality (I guess that is partly due to the fact that I am a Gemini...) and that every time I return home from a trip I resolve to have the vacation Sylvie become friends with the home Sylvie, things don`t change much.

So that is why when my good friend Mandy phoned yesterday and said ״Hey Sylvie, Brenda and I were thinking of going to the Island this evening and watch the sun set. There is a astronomical phenomenon occurring right now. About 45 minutes after sunset, you can see a planetary triple play starring Venus, Saturn and Mars. We can just hang out and chat and watch the stars come out. What do you say? Want to come join us? ״

I am thinking: ״This is absurd. Why would I want to sit on a beach to wait for stars to pop out in the sky! It is a waste of time. I am tired. I just want to stay home and catch up doing the laundry. My husband Ed came to the rescue and convinced me to go: If nothing else, you will get some fresh air and some quality time with your friends. We should go. ״

Gretchen Rubin`s words were resonating in my head ״Act the way you want to feel. Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact we often feel because of the way act. ״ Research has shown that if people put a smile on their face (even if it feels artificial at first), the act of smiling will bring about happier emotions.

If in fact I was truly committed to becoming happier and bringing more of the vacation Sylvie into my everyday life then I needed to say an enthusiastic YES to Mandy's invitation. I have to admit that I could not muster much enthusiasm at first and I grumbled all the way there. Poor Ed who has to put up with my sour puss moods!

Once I got to the beach and saw the smiles on friends faces I started to mellow a bit. I liked the feel of the soft sand beneath my feet and the colourful hues of the sky as the sun was setting. We found some rocks to sit on that still felt warm from the rays of the sun they had absorbed during the day. We settled in, five adults well passed their forties and a couple of teenage boys who came along for the ride, snacking on chips and chatting. We were waiting in anticipation for the planets to show themselves. My husband had a fancy IPhone application that showed us the night sky and the location of the planets from where we were standing and we kept scanning the sky. We shared the binoculars back and forth. We patiently waited for night to settle and for the stars to appear. Meanwhile we enjoyed watching the waves make their way to the shore, the seagulls diving into the water to catch a fish, the blue heron's majestic flight as it searched for the best spot to catch his dinner. Time slowed down. We adjusted our rhythm to nature's rhythm. We were content just being a witness. After a while I realized that I felt at peace and content. I named that feeling: I was feeling happy...

One of the exercises I have done while reading the book is create a master list of the things that bring joy to my life. On the left margin of a sheet of paper I wrote vertically all the letters of the alphabet, A to Z. Then I started listing all the things that start with the letter A that bring me happiness like Art, angels, and antiques. Some letters like U and Z were tricky, but I managed to find at least one thing for each letter. It was a fun activity that made we more aware of the reasons I have to be happy. I keep thinking of new things and add them to the list. Creating the list has made me more conscious to the happiness in my life. I mentally check off an item from the list when I recognize it in my everyday life. This helps me be more mindful and grateful for what I have.

I will be away on vacation for the next couple of weeks travelling to the east coast to commune with the Atlantic Ocean so I will not write again until August 29. In the meantime, I challenge you to create your own happiness list. Please let me know what you find out about yourself in the process.

We Are All Teachers

2010-07-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

I just spent a glorious week in Victoria, British Columbia, learning a new tool based on Temperament Theory with Janice Parviainen. Janice is the author of a book entitled A Courage to Love Yourself and the creator of a series of cards and didactic tools that accompany the learner on their personal journey. I first met Janice in May at a weekend retreat in Port Perry (Ontario) to become A Courage to Love Yourself Circle Master. Since then, she has become a very dear friend, a sister of the soul.

Back in May our relationship was straightforward, Janice was my teacher and I was her student. As time goes by, our relationship is starting to shift and expand. There has been times when I have been the teacher and she has been the student.

Janice has an interesting theory about this. She believes that every human being goes through three stages of life: mystery, mastery and mysticism.

In youth we stumble around the Mystery stage. We are inherently curious and much more courageous when we are young. We have an appetite for life. We explore what life has to offer like travellers on a jungle hike. We clear a path for ourselves through the thick vegetation, noticing along the way the vivid colors and smells, befriending the animals, encountering dangers. In order to survive, we quickly learn to distinguish between what feels right and what doesn't. Through trial and error, we discover our strengths and our inherent skills and abilities. Because we all desire being good at something, we start investing our time and energy in developing mastery in our unique skills sets.

I have witnessed that phenomenon as I watched my two daughters grow up. To supplement their academic learning, we have introduced the girls to all sorts of activities: music, dancing, soccer, ringette, arts and crafts, skating, skiing, martial arts, etc. My eldest daughter Nadia discovered at age 10 that she loved playing the flute and is now enlisted in university to major in music. My youngest daughter Maya loves drawing and always seems to have her sketch book with her everywhere she goes. She borrows “how to” books from the library and takes “lessons” from more experienced artists who post video clips on YouTube. She draws incessantly. The walls of her room are papered with close to a hundred of her drawings.

In the Mastery stage we are willing to invest some time and effort into our learning. We are even willing to ask for help to learn. No one is telling us to study or practice. We WANT to. We do it because we are internally motivated to build, polish and even surpass the initial sets of abilities we were gifted with at our birth. The motivation is to become better simply because we know we have the potential to be better. There is great personal satisfaction in seeing an innate ability grow and flourish. Much like a seed of potential planted in the fertile ground of our being that we encourage to grow with love and attention.

Mastery then transcends into Mysticism through the act of teaching and mentoring. When one has achieved mastery in an area, others will seek them out as teachers. When we are asked to teach others we delve even deeper into our field of expertise and as a result we become even more skilled and knowledgeable. There is a saying that goes, “If you really want to learn something, teach it.”

When a student asks you to become their teacher, they are honouring you. In effect, they are saying “I see something in you that I admire and respect and I want to learn from you.” The relationship between a student and a teacher is a two-way street. Every teacher needs a student so they can both experience a deeper learning. When a student appears, the teacher’s passion in his/her field of expertise is reignited. The student’s thirst for new knowledge challenges the teacher to go deeper into their own learning. In turn, the student shares his/her knowledge and unique perspective with the teacher. Together they grow and expand the boundaries of what they know. The learning is inter-connected. The student and the teacher are inter-connected. Everything and everyone are inter-connected. With this realization begins the Mystic stage...

At what stage are you? Don't be shy. Admit it. You are at the Mystic stage if you are reading this.

Be courageous.

Reach out to someone and offer them a moment of teaching from your book of life. You do not need to be a music virtuoso, a nuclear physicist, or an NHL star hockey player to have something to teach. There is no need for academic credentials, framed diplomas on your wall, letters after your name, or impressive titles on your business card. Do not discredit what you know as inconsequential or trivial. We all have important lessons to teach. We all have important lessons to learn from one another.

A boss can learn from his / her administrative assistant. An elder can learn from a child. A company CEO can learn from a street person. A parent can learn from a son or daughter. A teacher most definitely can learn from a student. I know this for a fact because I have witnessed it in my own life.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey."

Share freely who you are and share what you know. The world will be a better place as a result. That is what we are here to do – LEARN.

Life is a mission

2010-07-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

As I was driving by a church in my neighbourhood I saw a sign that said: "Make your life a mission, not an intermission."

A simple statement yet very powerful at the same time.

One thing I know for sure is that I am here, on this lovely planet, for a purpose. I am grateful that, with age and experience, I have come to know how I can make a difference in the world. Every twist and turn of my life has prepared me for what I need to do now.

I used to have many personas, the Sylvie at work, the Sylvie at home, the Sylvie with the extended family, and the Sylvie at rest (whom you very rarely saw...) I am happy to say that more and more who I am and how I present myself to the world are the one and the same. That is what I call being authentic.

Recently, I did an exercise to select my top 3 values. I sorted and sifted through a deck of cards containing hundred of value words. It was really tough to get it down to my top three. Authenticity is one of my core life values. Interestingly enough, I think that helping people find and express their authentic selves is also my life mission.

I see my life purpose as creating openings for people's spirits to emerge and flourish.

Have you reflected on the big "Why am I here" question lately...or ever? Is the life you are living in congruence with your own unique "why"? Or has life been a long intermission up to now. Just going along for the ride? To paraphrase Dr. Phil, "How is that working for you?"

I will be away on a business trip for a while - next posting will be the week of July 25.

Not enough is actually enough!

2010-06-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

Funny how things go sometimes... Earlier this week I got an email from my friend James Richardson suggesting that I may want to post on my blog an article he wrote on the concept of "enough". James' email landed in my mailbox at just the right time. Just a few weeks ago, I decorated the wall by my computer desk with large adhesive letters spelling the word “ASSEZ” (it means enough in French) to remind myself that I am more than enough and that I have what it takes to succeed professionally and more importantly, personally.

“Enough” is a concept that I have been meditating on for a couple of months now, ever since the phone stopped ringing and the contracts dried up. I ask myself what is enough? What is the difference between what I need to be comfortable and what I think I want? Even more interesting, what is the difference between what I feel is enough and what our consumerism culture says is enough? Is there such a thing as “too much”? Yes, definitely.

But somehow, I always end up with the fear of not being and doing enough. The paralysing feeling that I dream too big. In French Canada there is a saying that permeates our culture and our way of seeing ourselves as the permanent underdog “Que veux-tu?On est né pour un p'tit pain!” which means essentially that we were born to be small so do not hope for anymore than what you've got. I didn’t realize how much that had become part of my psyche until these last few months.

Here is James' article:

Not enough is actually enough!

Are you often faced with the notion that you don’t have enough yet to contribute? Not enough education, not enough context, not enough experience, not enough wisdom? Do you ever wonder if you will catch up on this proverbial treadmill?

What if ‘not enough’ was ‘enough’? What if you flipped the notion on its head? Wisdom can be found in paradox.

First of all, “enough” is a relative term. Enough is always in comparison to some standard or requirement. In some cases, it is accurate and appropriate (i.e. you need to graduate med school before you have ‘enough’ education to start practising medicine…). In other cases, it is perhaps an artificially set metric where contradictions are readily visible (i.e. how much education / experience do you need in order to be a successful entrepreneur?)

Secondly, ‘enough’ in the proposition is stated as a destination, a commonly shared definition. A different perspective would be to view ‘enough’ as a journey. When you choose to go and visit a destination that you have never been to, you embark on this journey based on research (referrals, references, common knowledge) and you believe that you know enough to get going and you will know when you have arrived at the intended destination. With eyes wide open, the destination leads to new discoveries and an exciting journey that expands your horizons. The journey is the value; from the anticipation of arriving at your original destination, through to the exhilaration of exploring and experiencing something new and wondrous.

Thirdly, if you give ‘enough’ a connotation of scarcity (not enough), it is a bitter pill to swallow. Flipped on its head, “not enough” can be noble humility, accompanied by the confidence in being able to meet the challenges before you. Viewed through the lens of abundance (what you have, not what’s missing), this position of humility means that you have much to learn/experience and you always will – and that is as it should be. The confidence in the here and now means that you have worked hard at getting ready for ‘later’ and that you are always ready to be the real you. Of course you may stumble; of course you may wobble – but these are growth opportunities! Seek out the number of people that speak of their experiences where they grew the most! “When I made that mistake…” - “when I had to move on from that job…” - “when I made that blunder…” - they learned that connecting the dots happens looking back – not forward!

Humility is noble. It prepares the heart for a wondrous journey. A ready heart frees the spirit for growth and actualization. The spirit thrives and grows in motion, not in stagnant immobility. A perspective of abundance opens up possibilities. Well-considered possibilities lead to more interesting travels.

Have the courage to move forward. Know yourself and what you have to learn. Have the faith that humility, curiosity, conscientiousness and care will get you to the right place at the right time. Believe that you don’t have to take my word for it, look for your own proof in many places. This isn’t my philosophy, it’s an accumulation of observations I have made.

‘Not enough’ is ‘enough’, and I don’t think we have enough of it!

Mandatory summer vacations for all employees

2010-06-27T08:50:00.001-07:00

This week marked the end of the school year for my two daughters. It was an especially meaningful time for my oldest daughter Nadia who is heading off to university next year and was saying a fond farewell to teachers and friends who have been part of her journey for the last six years.

Schools organized shows and concerts, art exhibits, special outings and graduation ceremonies to mark the end of the school year. These events underline the accomplishments of both teachers and students throughout the year. As parents, we are invited to get a taste of our children's school experiences and appreciate all the hard work that they invested to succeed. More than one tear was shed as I listened to Nadia playing her flute in the final school band concert and when my youngest daughter Maya, handed me in an impassive manner not one but two Achievement Awards for courses that she was failing just four short months ago.

I really like the end of school year ritual of celebrating successes. As one year closes, people's spirits are elevated with pride and the slate is wiped clean, ready to greet the experiences of the coming year.

What would happen if workplaces borrowed from the school model? Can you imagine it? Just take this little walk with me in an alternate world where workplaces operate like schools.

To start with, bosses, like teachers, would have 6 to 8 Professional Development days (P.D. days) dedicated to deepening their knowledge and skills in a learning setting with other colleagues. Bosses would have been taking courses throughout the year to better understand how to teach to others what they know. Bosses would have also been receiving training on how to instil a desire of learning in their employees (a.k.a students) and bring out the best in them.

The employee's school would be the workplace. The workplace would be a Learning Organization. Employees are encouraged to learn from each other, to innovate, to take calculated risks, and to learn from their mistakes as well as their successes.

Employees are regularly evaluated on their ability to accomplish tasks. They are not given tests or exams per say but in the course of their work they face complex problems or difficult situations which they try to resolve. Their bosses observe their performances and give them timely advice as to how improve. (This is in sharp contrast to the yearly Performance Appraisal discussions between bosses and staff which is for most a perfunctory one time only half hour conversation aimed at filling in blanks and checking boxes on a form.) At least three times a year (much like the parent-teacher meetings for our kids) the boss has conversations with the employee's significant others (spouse, colleagues and friends) to gain a better understanding of what other aspects of his life might affect his performance positively or negatively) and to ensure that there is a solid social network to help the employee succeed.

Throughout the year, and especially at the end of the work year, there are opportunities to show case the accomplishments of each employees and their teams. There are "Show and Tell's", poster presentations, talent shows and storytelling and speeches. To top off the year, many celebrations are organized where the successful Treasury Board Submissions or bids for work are showcased along with the innovative programs and products that were realized. The employees are the centre of attention in these celebrations but everyone recognizes the important role their bosses have played in creating the space for them to emerge as leaders in their own field. (Who knows, maybe people would make a point to thank the bosses for being good bosses and bring them "teacher gifts" like apples, mugs and cute figurines to show their appreciation at the end of the school year much like I made a point to personally thank Nadia's music teacher for being such an inspiring mentor to her through her high school years)

During those celebrations, all staff takes stock of the positive foundation they have laid down during the year on which they will be able to build an even more impressive edifice in the year to come. And then, the best part, everyone leaves on well-deserved vacation where they reconnect with friends and family and more importantly, with themselves.

I can hear you saying, "I am an adult, I want to take my vacation when I want to. Plus, I only have 3 weeks of vacation per year!" (That last one is a totally different problematic but let me just say that in Europe, employees have double that amount of vacation time because the European culture puts a higher value on family time and play.)

By definition, vacation means a period of rest from work. Well don't get me started about Blackberries and laptop computers which means that if we so choose, (and surprisingly many of us do) we are never truly disconnected from our work. In the North American culture work and business is overvalued in my opinion.

People have a hard time letting go of the rat race even when they are on "vacation". Poll your acquaintances and ask them what their vacation plans are. In my circle of family and friends, many will use some vacation time to catch up with chores around the house: doing renovations, building decks, sealing the driveway or painting rooms. Others will use vacation days to schedule medical, professional and legal appointments that they can't fit into their usual work weeks. Some lucky ones will go up to the cottage where there will be some relaxing times but undoubtedly there will also be some fixing up to do. Families are lucky if they have a full week of vacation together. In our case, it will be impossible to schedule a week when we will be all together between my eldest daughter's part time job and outings with friends and my youngest daughter's weeks at theatre camp and babysitting commitments. We will be lucky if we can plan a long weekend together... Often one parent takes one week to stay with the kids and the other takes the following week to optimize their limited vacation time to cover off the many weeks that the kids are off school.

What we do during our vacation determines how much rest we will get or not. Another factor that affects the quality of rest we get on vacation is the number of days we take off. In my circle of family and friends rare are those who take more than one or two weeks of vacation at a time. I don't know if you have experienced this yourself but in the last few years I have worked at such an intense pace that it takes several days of "vacation" before I can truly stop and relax. Often in the first few days of vacation I become sick: a flu bug, a sore back or just general fatigue. I think it is because I finally let myself stop and become aware of how exhausted I was all along. My body finally lets up and crashes for a few days no longer fed by the constant adrenaline rush. My husband and I were reflecting on this phenomenon last March while lounging by the pool in a resort in Cuba (our first family vacation down south in many many years). The first few days of our vacation, we felt just like zombies. No energy or will to do anything requiring much effort. Towards the end of our week-long trip we started to feel like our old selves again and we remarked wistfully that a second week away would have allowed us to truly take advantage of all the activities and sights this little paradise provided. See, in North America we even rush through our vacations!

So if you are still dreaming along with me in this alternate world, consider just for a moment what it would be like to be let off work for at least a month just to laze around in the summer sun. You would return to work feeling refreshed and invigorated. That would change your mindset wouldn't it? Your performance would be enhanced if you returned to work excited about reconnecting with your colleagues and looking forward to a whole new year of learning and accomplishments (much like your kids returning to school in September).

Wouldn't it be great if everybody returned to work from summer vacation at the same time in a better state of mind, and with new ideas and resolve? That time would mark officially the start of a new year for all staff. It would be the ideal time to sit together and do some visioning and strategic planning. It would be the ideal time to rethink how we used to do things and how we can further improve. It would create a positive momentum forward. What grade will we all graduate from in a year's time?

I know, maybe this idea is too far fetched... But I still think there are important lessons to learn from the school model. Let me know what you think.

Are you taking summer vacations this year? Will you be relaxing? How?

Sitting with Questions

2010-06-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

I am trying something new. I have a guest posting on my blog this week. I thought you might enjoy the wise musings of my friend James Richardson encouraging us to ponder questions.

Some time ago I read a very interesting account of a study done looking for differences between individuals that scored in the top 1% of IQ tests and individuals that scored way off the IQ charts and categorized as geniuses. While I cannot speak to the veracity of the story, it nonetheless will help illustrate my point. The story goes something like this…

All test candidates were placed in a private room and were given a extremely difficult problem to work on that would require them to draw upon all of their faculties if they were to solve it. Each test candidate had two hours to solve the problem. In the case of the top 1% group, they furiously worked using up most if not all of their scrap paper as they concentrated on solving the problems. The test administrators, observing behind a pane of one-way glass observed their level of activity and predicted that it was quite likely that they would solve the problem. Candidates from the ‘genius’ group, notably participating in identical conditions, were observed to be sitting idle in their test space! There was no flurry of activity with rough notes and calculations - there was seemingly no observable activity in their test rooms. The test administrators, again observing behind a pane of one-way glass worried that perhaps their IQ assessment may have been flawed or perhaps the candidates were geniuses in ways that did not suit the wicked problem before them.

Let’s fast forward to two hours later at the completion point of the test interval. What do you think the results were? As predicted, most of the top 1% group succeeded in solving the problem (although many of them looked somewhat worse for the wear) but some did not. It could be concluded that such results seem perfectly reasonable. And the ‘genius group’? Each and every one of them was able to solve the problem, and only wrote down the solution! Nothing else was written on any other pieces of paper! You can well imagine how this astounded the test administrators – especially in comparison to all of the complex calculations and notes that the other group made on their scrap paper during the same exercise. One of the ‘genius’ candidates was questioned to discern how they were capable of their amazing feat of problem solving. She was asked: “were you able to do all of your calculations and critical thinking in your head?”, to which she responded: “No. I sat with the question and waited for the solution to come to me.” This was essentially the same for all candidates in the ‘genius’ group. Fascinating.

What an interesting notion: “sitting with questions”. We work so hard on trying to find answers and trying to solve the problems that are in front of us. It can be taxing and there is a very real risk (for the majority of us that don’t find ourselves in the top 1% of IQ test scores) that we may miss something or that our ‘solution’ could itself cause unintended consequences, perhaps even further exacerbating the original problem. So what to do instead?

I have been personally exploring a practice for myself of “sitting with questions”. What I have found is that it is a very effective way in which to fully maximize the inputs from all of my sensory perceptions. What I mean is that when I decide to wait for the answer to come to me, I let my mind, my heart and my intuition wrestle with the problem/issue at hand and when there is a reasonable ‘answer’ to be provided, it shows up in my mind. To be clear, this is a practice that I employ in domains in which I feel I have sufficient knowledge, expertise and experience from which to draw upon as I would not attempt to use the practice to solve wicked theoretical physics problems – of which I have little more than a passing interest in.

Recently I was asked to facilitate and lead a high profile work out session in an organization. I met with the executive leading the charge and we had a good discussion on aspects of what the session objectives were and a number of possibilities, hopes and expectations for the session. We had 30 minutes for this discussion. At the end of the discussion, the executive asked me to prepare an agenda, design the session and lead key parts of it. Admittedly, I wasn’t 100% certain what the session would look like nor exactly what I would be doing in my role as facilitator (and teacher for a portion of it) at that very moment. Regardless, I agreed with a firm ‘yes’ I could and I would. I didn’t and still don’t see that as any form of deceit since I knew that if I ‘sat with the question’ of “how” and “what”, the right answers would come to me in time to meet my commitments with excellence. This is because: I feel that I have the knowledge of the context in which the session is situated; I have the skills and knowledge to conduct a variety of activities that will help serve the session objectives; I have experience doing both and with knowing that I usually know what I need to know by the time I need to know it. So for me, it wasn’t risky – it was the way it works for me and it was suitable to the context (executive needed an answer and I had some time prior to the session itself to ‘let it come’.)

I like sitting with questions. To me, it is allowing my full human potential to emerge. It emerges when I allow all that I am to inform all that I will do. It requires deliberateness and of course I am not able to do it in all situations for all reasons, but what if I could? What if, through ongoing practice, I could get really good at it and it came natural to me versus being deliberate?

I will finish off with one more quick story.

A Nobel prize winner is being interviewed shortly after accepting his award. The interviewer asks him: “Who is one of your most important influences that helped you achieve your Nobel prize winning work?” The Nobel laureate responded: “My mother and not for the reasons you might initially think. When I was school-age, she never asked me what I learned that day in school, her query was always: ‘what good questions did you ask today?’. That has stayed with me and is what has helped me more than anything else become what I have become in my life thus far.”

So take some time out, let all that you are have a chance to help inform all that you will do. Grab a coffee or a glass of wine and sit with a question or two. It would be interesting to hear what your experience is with it.

The Joys of Parenting

2010-06-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

My younger brother and I have fourteen years difference between us. I was a teenager when he was just a toddler. I was living in an apartment on my own when he was in grade 3. Our life experiences were so vastly different that it was hard to relate to each other. Instead of being his playmate, I became his caregiver and his advisor. I had been where he was and could help him deal with the worries and difficulties that each stage of life presents.

My brother became a school teacher. He got married three years ago and now lives up north, a fifteen hour drive from where I live. I miss him. We try to stay connected but neither he nor I like to chat on the phone or correspond by email. On one of those rare calls recently, my brother was telling me how exhausted he was. He has a two-year old daughter and a newborn son. I remember those days very well: just a few hours of sleep at a time; catering to the seemingly endless needs of each child; dragging yourself to work; keeping up with the housework (kind of), and wondering what you did with your time BK (before kids).

I wanted to tell him something wise and encouraging but I couldn't. I am raising two teenagers, one is almost 18 years old who is off to university next year and the other is a 14 years old who has had attitude since she was 2! The 14 year old had just stormed out of the room yelling that she hated me when the phone rang. I was still steaming when my brother's voice said "Hi. How are you?" Unfortunately for my brother who was looking for a shoulder to cry on and a message of hope, all he got from me was "sometimes I really don't like being a parent".

I came up with a lame line about you don't know how hard it is to be a parent until you become one. It is a full time job, 24 hours a day, for at least 20 years (and after that it is only a part time job). My dad, who is 80 years old, still worries about his "children". He calls us, without fail, once a week to check in on us and make sure we are OK.

To my credit, I did tell my brother that as much as sometimes being a parent was difficult, there were other times that really made up for it. But I couldn't come up with any convincing examples mired as I was in the recent angry outburst with my youngest daughter.

This week, life provided me with striking examples of those special moments of parenthood when you are filled with pride and joy.

My eldest daughter Nadia is an accomplished musician. She plays the flute and the piccolo. She has been playing since she was 10. Nadia is the only teenager I know who prefers classical music over rap or pop songs. As she listens to classical music she might hum along and suddenly exclaim "Listen to the bassoon Maman, don't you love how it complements the sounds of the other wind instruments!" Nadia laboured behind a Deli counter at a local supermarket, often doing 10 hour shifts at minimum wage, two summers ago and then happily plunked down every penny she made to buy herself a new flute. The following year, it was a new piccolo that she bought.

Thursday evening was the final concert for her High School Senior Band. It was a bitter sweet evening because it was the last time the grade 12 kids would play together before they left for college or university. I sat in the audience and beamed as I could hear my daughter's piccolo solos rising up above the music. I could see in Nadia's face that she was at one with the music; she was in the "flow". I am happy that she has found something that gives meaning and purpose to her life at such an early age.

Just before they played the last piece of the evening, the conductor who has been their teacher for many years (from grade 8 to 12 for most), took the time to have each and every grade 12 student stand up in turn as she publicly stated what she admired most about them and celebrated their unique contribution to the orchestra. My daughter was the last grade 12 student to stand up. Her teacher recognized her natural talent and her dedication to her role as section leader as they tackled their most difficult pieces yet (Level 6) which won them a gold medal at the National Music Fest competition. My eyes were tearing up at this point and so were my daughter's. Nadia has always loved her teacher. She has been her mentor all these years. How wonderful to be acknowledged like that in front of her peers!

The teacher then announced that her fellow musicians had voted for Nadia as the most worthy recipient for this year's Award of Excellence in Music. Her name would be engraved on the trophy along with the names of past winners. Nadia has chosen to pursue a career in music. Music will always be part of her. This honor was a validation of her hopes and dreams. My heart was so full.

Those joyful moments in a parent's life eclipses countless others of the sleepless nights and the doors banging in anger kind. All of a sudden, in that moment, the "why" you became a parent becomes crystal clear. You have had the privilege of having a little human being as your ward for these many years. You have loved her and guided her as best you can. You have watched her struggle and flourish. Then comes a time when you need to let go. You step back and you notice how beautiful that human being has become, inside and out. You know then that you did something right...

You are what you believe you are

2010-06-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

With deep sadness in her eyes Janet explained: "I was a curious child. I wanted to know the "why" of everything. I wanted to know why the sky was blue, why the bee stung, and why birds flew. My parents would get frustrated with me. I asked too many questions. They were both school teachers so you would think that they would have seized these opportunities to teach me what life was all about but instead they dismissed me and my questions. I started believing something was wrong with me. Why did I have so many questions? Why were my parents frustrated with me when I asked questions? Pretty soon I started believing that I was stupid. So I just stopped asking questions from that day on. I grew up convinced that I was not as smart as most. I did not go to university or college because I did not think I had what it took to succeed academically. Here I am now about to lose my job as a career counsellor (ironic isn't it?) because my contract will not be renewed and I have to find a way to market myself to find a new job. I am scared. Very scared. It seems like all the jobs I am interested in require a university degree and I will not go back to school. I just can't..." Janet felt stuck.

Janet had adopted limiting beliefs about herself that were preventing her from moving forward? She believed she was stupid.

One of the keys to unlocking Janet's long standing belief that she was not smart was Howard Gardner's concept of multiple intelligences. According to Howard Gardner, there are seven types of intelligences:

Linguistic	words and language
Logical-Mathematical	logic and numbers
Musical	music, sound, rhythm
Bodily-Kinesthetic	body movement control
Spatial-Visual	images and space
Interpersonal	other people's feelings
Intrapersonal	self-awareness

People possess a set of intelligences - not just one type and level of intelligence.

People have varying degrees of strengths in the different forms of intelligence. No one excels in all of them. Intelligence is the sum total of your abilities.

Unfortunately the school system, and society in general, have a very narrow definition of what constitutes intelligence. In school your level of "intelligence" is measured according to two-types of intelligence: linguistic and logical-mathematical. Many schools, teachers, and entire education systems, persist in the view that a child is either intelligent or not depending on how they score in language, math, and science tests.

The school system still classifies the 'intelligent' kids as 'good' and the 'under-performers' as 'bad'. Many children grow up being told that they are not intelligent and internalize the belief that they are not worthy. It is the "you'll never amount to anything" syndrome.

"Jimmy, you failed your science test...again! Why can't you get that E = mc2?"
"Mia, you wrote a good story but your spelling is so atrocious that I gave up reading it half way!"
"Susan, why can't you memorize those multiplication tables? You are really weak in math."
"Janet, I have better things to do with my time than to answer your incessant questions!"

"Intelligence, particularly as it is traditionally defined, does not sufficiently encompass the wide variety of abilities humans display. In (Gardner's) conception, a child who masters multiplication easily is not necessarily stronger in another kind of intelligence and therefore 1) may best learn the given material through a different approach, 2) may excel in a field outside of mathematics, or 3) may even be looking at the multiplication process at a fundamentally deeper level, which can result in a seeming slowness that hides a mathematical intelligence that is potentially higher than that of a child who easily memorizes the multiplication table." (Wikipedia)

If you choose to adopt a more inclusive view of intelligence, as Gardner suggests, then it becomes possible for every child to grow up with a stronger sense of self-esteem, confident in the value of their unique set of skills and abilities. If you are curious about what types of intelligence you have, I invite you to complete this questionnaire.

Another lens through which we can learn about ourselves and build our self-confidence is Personality Types. Many thinkers across the ages have theorized that there are four distinct patterns of human behavior. Some of the personality type theories date back to such figures as Hippocrates (c370), Plato (c340) and Aristotle (c325). More contemporary authors in the field of personality type are the psychologist Carl Jung; a mother and daughter team Isabelle Briggs Myers and Katherine Cook Briggs who developed the Myers-Briggs temperament sorter; David Keirsey, a psychologist who wrote a groundbreaking book entitled Please Understand Me; and Don Lowry, a student of Keirsey, who created the tool True Colors.

Let's look at Keirsey's approach to temperament type more closely. David Keirsey researched historical literature in psychology, philosophy, and the sciences, and became intrigued by the patterns of four temperaments. As an Educational Psychologist, he began putting theory into practice in the 1950's where he developed techniques in training and coaching. For more than two decades, he served as a consultant to both educators and psychologists, with continued research and innovations in his theory of the four temperaments. In the late 1970’s Keirsey published his theory in the book, Please Understand Me® (1978), where he publicly introduced the Keirsey Temperament Sorter®

According to Keirsey, the four types of personalities are:

Guardians speak mostly of their duties and responsibilities, of what they can keep an eye on and take good care of, and they're careful to obey the laws, follow the rules, and respect the rights of others.
Idealists speak mostly of what they hope for and imagine might be possible for people, and they want to act in good conscience, always trying to reach their goals without compromising their personal code of ethics.
Artisans speak mostly about what they see right in front of them, about what they can get their hands on, and they will do whatever works, whatever gives them a quick, effective payoff, even if they have to bend the rules.
Rationals speak mostly of what new problems intrigue them and what new solutions they envision, and always pragmatic, they act as efficiently as possible to achieve their objectives, ignoring arbitrary rules and conventions if need be.

Now back to our story about Janet.

Janet completed the Multiple Intelligences questionnaire which showed that she had real strengths in the Kinesthetic, Spacial-Visual and Interpersonal intelligences. None of which are measured or celebrated in our traditional school system by the way. The Multiple Intelligences theory gave Janet a different frame of reference from which she could define way herself. When she looked at her career path through the Multiple Intelligence lens, Janet confirmed that the jobs that gave the most satisfaction and positive feedback were aligned with her unique mix of intelligences. She was most successful when her job involved hands on problem solving and regular interactions with people. With this new mindset, Janet was able to start seeing and appreciating what she was good at rather than what she was lacking. Her acknowledgement of her strengths and abilities was a much more positive and rewarding springboard to start a new job search.

Janet also learned that, according to Keirsey's temperament theory, she was a Rational. Rationals seek knowledge and understanding. They love to develop theories and hypotheses about how the world works. Rationals are free-thinkers and excel at problem-solving. The biggest stressor for a Rational is incompetence, not having the answers.

Remember the story of the little girl who kept asking her parents the "why" questions and got closed down? She was simply expressing who she is at her core, a Rational, who needs to know and understand. She was not stupid. In many ways, asking questions were an expression of her intelligence and her thirst for learning.

Janet was smart. That realization shook her to the core. Tears were streaming down her face as she started to consider, and finally to admit to herself, that in fact she had never been stupid. That limiting belief had caused her much suffering but now she had the opportunity to choose a different way of defining who she was. Janet could choose to hold different beliefs about herself. She was intelligent. She was capable. She was worthy.

Janet could now choose to love herself for who she was.

And just like that, one chapter closed and another chapter of Janet's life was waiting to be written.

What about you dear readers?

Do you believe you are intelligent? How are you intelligent?

How does personality type theory give you a different lens to define your unique set of skills and abilities. How does it explain why you prefer certain things and dislike others? How does it give you another way of appreciating who you are?

Please share your stories with me.

To be or not to be...happy with my body

2010-05-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

"I am feeling pretty good about how I look and feel these days. I think that all that hard work, exercising every day and eliminating wheat and sugar, is finally paying off. My clothes are getting looser." This is the monologue I have with myself on the way to the bathroom, determined to look at reality in the face as I am about to step on the scale and weigh myself for the first time in a week. I urge myself on: "Don't be scared. They are just numbers on a scale. Just numbers. They don't mean anything about who you are as a person. Don't let the numbers discourage you. Remind yourself of how you feel instead of focusing on numbers."

I take a big breath and I step on the scale. I have not lost a pound in over 10 days. How can that be? I have been so good. I watch everything I eat and I have doubled up on exercise! NOT FAIR! Why is it always so hard for me to lose weight? Any normal person on the same regimen would be melting away. But not me! Ah no! I have to invest blood, sweat and tears for every single ounce I shed and then some.

I have been on diets ever since I can remember. One memory in particular sticks out like a sore thumb. I was 12 years old, too fat to wear the hot pants and halter tops that were the rage in the seventies, and my dad drove all of us kids to the Dairy Queen for a treat. Every one ordered their favourite ice cream and then my parents turned to me with a "be reasonable" look in their eyes to ask what I wanted. I said I did not want anything. They approved. They smiled.

I said no to something sweet with lots of calories. An act of bravery. A step in the right direction if I did not want to balloon into an even bigger version of myself. I had done the right thing but I was miserable. I felt deprived as I watched my sisters happily lick their cone in what appeared to be slow motion.

When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with a condition called Hypothyroidism which explained in part was I was obese and feeling lethargic. Getting that diagnosis was like a balm on my wounded self-confidence. It was not all my fault that I was overweight. I had a very slow metabolism (3 times slower than normal in fact). I managed to lose a lot of weight that summer before starting grade 12 partly thanks to the medication and mostly thanks to a starvation diet and manic exercise sessions.

But unfortunately the damage was already done. I grew up feeling fat and no matter how much I weighed, I would always be fat in my head and in my heart.

That is why I was so intrigued when Oprah had the author Geneen Roth on her show talking about her new book entitled Women, Food and God. I bought the book right away and devoured it (pardon the pun) in just a few days.

Geneen Roth belonged in my club of people perpetually displeased with their weight and looks until she had a revelation a few years ago. One day she was so disgusted with herself that she was on the verge of suicide. And then, out of the blue, she did something radical. She ended the war. She stopped trying to fix, deprive and shame herself. She began trusting her body and questioning her belief. Roth's basic premise is that "the way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive." According to her "your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation and, yes, even God."

Ever since then, Geneen Roth has been leading workshops for women like me who have an unhealthy relationship with food with great success. Admittedly, it takes a few days before the women in her group agree to let go of their beliefs and start considering the possibility that their obsession with food has never been about food but rather a temperature gauge about how they feel about themselves deep down.

I had a huge revelation as I read Chapter Eleven of Roth's book is entitled Those Who Have Fun and Those Who Don't. Roth talks about two kinds of compulsive eaters: Restrictors and Permitters.

Restrictors believe in control. Deprivation is comforting for a Restrictor because it gives them a sense of control. "If I limit my food intake, I limit my body size." Their guiding principles are denial and constraints. Their core belief is that less is more. Restrictors believe that they have to work very hard to achieve their goals and they are convinced that suffering is noble. If it is not hard it is not worth doing... What a way to live huh? They are not much fun to be around.

On the other hand the Permitters are all about fun. They dislike any kinds of rules. Permitters prefer to go through life with sunglasses on. Permitters live in denial. "You just live once so what the heck!" They splurge. "Might as well pig out and store up before the bounty dries up" Their life strategy is one of avoidance. If they don't try to lose weight or achieve any kind of goal, then they won't be disappointed if and when they fail.

The Restrictors control.

The Permitters numb.

Now let's be clear. These typologies are not cut and dry. Everyone can be both Permitter and Restrictor. A Restrictor turns into a Permitter every time she binges. A Permitter becomes a Restrictor every time she resolves to follow a weight loss program.

Even so. I think that your core personality is one or the other. Either you like to control things or you have a laissez-faire attitude towards life.

As for myself, I am a text book Restrictor. I am not proud of this. But the knowing is freeing at the same time. At any time and in any circumstances I have choices to make. I may still make the choice to deprive and limit myself but maybe I can start to change by at least being aware of why I make those choices. Maybe I can entertain, even if for a few milliseconds, another choice. The choice of letting go. The choice of trusting my body. The choice of accepting (and dare I say it, loving) all of who I am in that moment, warts and all.

What about you? Can you relate to any of this? The Permitter and Restrictor labels are not just restricted to your attitude about weight. In life, do you tend to deprive yourself more often than you splurge? What impact is this having? Do you like being the way you are? Is there another way? Is there a way for you to suffer less and to enjoy more?

Food for thought... (Isn't it funny how fascination with food permeates our culture?)

Fleeting Moments

2010-05-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Spring time is my favourite season. I love watching Mother Nature putting on her green coat with a sprinkling of tulips and daffodils. Alas... the season is fleeting. It seems like just the other day I caught my breath as I looked at the apple tree in bloom. The tree looked like a giant pink cotton candy and brought a smile to my face. But today the flowers are already fading. The petals are floating to the ground with each breath of the wind covering the base of the tree in a pink shroud.

Nature gave me a fleeting gift of a tree in bloom. I am glad that when I saw it, I actually saw it. Not just with the corner of my eyes as I was driving by but I saw it with my whole being. I "saw" the apple tree in bloom and registered in my head and in my heart how beautiful it was. I felt awed. I felt grateful for witnessing nature at work in all its grandeur.

Recently I read an article in the Yoga Journal magazine by Frank Jude Boccio entitled I'm so happy for you. Boccio explores the concept of impermanence. When we are aware of the impermanence of things it can enhance our ability to touch joy, even for just that moment. Boccio writes:

"Both Patanjali and Buddha emphasize that much of our duhkha (suffering or discontent) arises because we live as if the current conditions were permanent." When things are going well, we attempt to live as if they always will (...) And when things are going poorly, we imagine that this will always be the case, forgetting that bad times too will pass."

When one becomes conscious of the fleeting nature of all things, including ourselves, we do not take anyone or anything for granted. That is what they call living mindfully. When you are in the presence of something that fills you with joy, you soak in that moment. On the other hand, when you face difficulties or setbacks you may be more resilient because you know that this too shall pass.

This notion of impermanence has taken on a greater meaning for me this week. On Monday I got an emotional phone call from my 80 year old father informing me that the nagging pain he had in his lower abdomen for the past few weeks was in fact cancer. Four days later, the surgeon took out a tumour the size of a grapefruit from his abdomen. Now we are waiting for the lab results...

Since I found out that my father had cancer, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Yes, in my darkest moments, I have reflected on the possibility of losing my father to cancer. What would my life be like without his loving presence? We live in the same town, we talk on the phone and visit every week. He has always been there for me, as a child and today, as a parent myself.

Memories of my father have danced in my head this last week. The small things stand out. The heart-shaped sandwiches and homemade valentine he would leave by my bed on Valentine's Day. The mashed potatoes and milk he coloured green in honour of St. Patrick's Day. The cartoon characters shaped pancakes he would make (and sometimes still makes upon special requests) on Saturday mornings. My father's big hand holding mine on the way to church when I was a child and years later, as I was crying over a boyfriend who broke my heart as a young adult. The chocolate icing cake (as my daughter's affectionately call it) that he makes especially for his grand-children's birthdays. The homemade 3D personalized birthday cards that he makes for everyone of his children, grand-children, brothers and sisters every year without fail.

Some of those things I truly appreciated in the moment, especially the birthday cards which are the highlight of my birthday every year. (A few years ago, I celebrated my 45th birthday on a trip in Kyoto, Japan, with my husband. Even though we had a spectacular day visiting temples and shrines, something was missing. When I got back home, my father gave me my birthday card and it seemed then, and only then, that all the pieces had fallen into place.) Other things, I took for granted. They made me happy at the time but I did not realize how memorable they would become.

I regret that I was not conscious of how meaningful and joyful those ephemeral moments were when I lived them. I don't think I knew then that forty years later those heart-shaped sandwiches would still mean so much to me. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would savour those moments. I would take a picture in my mind's eye to capture the feeling of happiness and contentment forever.

Knowing what I know now, I will gain courage in knowing that this difficult and painful time is also impermanent and that happier times are ahead.

Knowing what I know now, I will seize every opportunity to tell my father that I love him and that I am grateful for all the loving kindnesses he has given me over my lifetime. I will keep savouring each and every impermanent moment with him in the years to come, once he has beaten his cancer. And maybe, just maybe, it will make up for all those years when I lived happy moments with my eyes closed.

In fact, knowing what I know now, I vow to live my life in the present moment. Not longing for the past or blaming the past. Not planning for the future or worrying about the future. Living in the now, feeling the happiness of happy times and the sadness of sad times.

Knowing what you know now, is there anything that you would like to do differently? By reminding yourself of the transitory nature of life, what joys take on more meaning and what heartaches become more tolerable? Who do you need to say "I love you" to in your life today?

It's the small things that matter most

2010-05-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

I finally had a chance to watch the movie Up last night. What an uplifting movie! (Pardon the pun). I understand now why it won so much acclaim and garnered two Oscars.

Up tells the story of an old man, Carl Fredricksen, who has always dreamt of adventure. All of their married life together the old man and his wife Elie talked about building a house on top of Paradise Falls somewhere in South America. They painstakingly saved their loose change in a Paradise Falls jar but then life happened... A broken down car that needed repairs. A forced stay at the hospital as a result of a broken leg. A tree falling onto the house during a bad storm. Every time, they broke the piggy bank holding the promise of their dream to pay for these necessities. The years moved on. One day, Elie was not able to climb the small hill to their favourite picnic spot under a tree. That was the same day that the old man wanted to surprise his wife with two plane tickets to South America. Sadly, they never went on that trip Elie had to be hospitalized and passed away. Carl stubbornly refuses to sell his house and move into a senior's home even though his little house is being dwarfed by the skyscrapers surrounding him. The nasty building developer seizes an unfortunate opportunity to get rid of this recalcitrant man. Mr. Fredricksen is forced to move to a senior's home by the authorities. He ties thousands of balloons to his house which is transformed into a aircraft. As he relaxes back into his easy chair, floating over the city, feeling quite proud of himself, there is a knock at the door... somehow an 8 year old boy scout has tagged along for the ride.
They actually do make it to Paradise Falls but they face all sorts of trials and tribulations on their way there. The quest to Paradise Falls helps them uncover personal strengths they did not know they possessed. They stood by their values and saved the day.

In the end, as they reflect on the wild ride they experienced together, Carl and the little boy come to the conclusion that it is the little things that matter most. The little boy remembers fondly times with his dad when they both got ice cream, chocolate flavour for the boy and butter pecan for the father, sit on a curb and count the blue and red cars passing by. Carl realizes that even though he and Elie never did travel to South America together, the times spent reading the paper side by side, holding hands while sitting on the couch watching TV, or picnicking under their favourite tree have been his most treasured times on this earth. He would not change a thing.

I have been very lucky. I have had some great adventures in my life so far. I have travelled to over 25 countries: snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef; rode in a tuk tuk in the middle of rush hour traffic in Bangkok; prayed in Buddhist temples in Kyoto; climbed the stairs of the Tour Eiffel and drank champagne in a gondola on a canal in Venice. Although all these experiences are treasured memories, I always looked forward to coming back home after those trips.

I wonder, if I were to look back on my life as Carl Fredricksen did in the movie Up, what memories would truly warm my heart? What memories would define who I am and who I was proud to be? Who would be the main actors in those memories? Chances are that I would come to the same conclusions as Mr. Fredricksen. It was the little things that mattered most.

When I come back home after one of my trips, I look forward to the little pleasures of life. I cherish things like pizza and a movie every Friday night with my family, watching my girls teary eyed performing in a play or playing beautifully at a musical concert or sharing a bagel and a coffee at the local Tim Horton's with my husband on a Saturday morning.

This is not to say that if I had a choice to do it all over again I would not choose to go on those trips. On the contrary, not only did I discover places of incredible beauty on my adventures but I also got to know myself better. The being away makes the coming home that much sweeter. The coming home gives you a fresh perspective about things you may take for granted in your every day life. Those little seemingly mundane things that in retrospect makes life worth living, worth remembering fondly...

What about you? Is there an adventure calling your name? What will you look forward to when you come home? How will that change how you experience the everyday pleasures that life offers you? Will it change those pleasures or will it change how you live those moments of pleasures? The Buddhist remind us to live in the present moment. Soak in those moments. Taste them. Relish them as they happen. After all, it is not the big exotic adventures that define us but the every day adventure of being a parent, a partner, a friend.

Body Wisdom

2010-05-02T11:23:00.001-07:00

OUCH! It really hurts! As I get out of bed to start my day, I notice that my left shoulder and neck are stiff with pain. I try stretching and a hot shower but it does not feel any better. The day must go on. I am presenting a workshop. People are counting on me. I pop a couple of aspirins and jump into the car to drive to my session downtown.

The pain medication is not kicking in. Odd. I rarely take pain medication and when I do, I can feel some relief almost immediately. I shove the pain in the back of my mind, put a smile on my face and greet my client with enthusiasm. Usually, when I am delivering a workshop, I can throw myself into my work and forget about what ails me. Not this time. My shoulder is throbbing. I keep massaging it hoping the pain will subside. Maybe if I stand this way it won't be so painful. Maybe if I sit down to do this part I won't feel it as much. Maybe if I let my arm rest on the table my shoulder will be able to relax. Nothing works. I get through my two hours workshop with a sigh of relief. I take a couple more aspirins as I gobble down my lunch.

In the afternoon, I am attending a workshop by a well-known guru in the field of coaching, James Flaherty. I have been so looking forward to hear him speak. While my mind is enthralled by his words of wisdom, I will be able to forget about my sore shoulder and neck. Alas no. No matter how I position myself on my chair, the throbbing pain in my shoulder and neck marks every second that goes by.

James Flaherty says that our work as coaches is to lessen human suffering. Our mission is helping people become more and more alive. Two things prevent people from moving forward in their personal development: an unwillingness to be a beginner and anxiety.

Beginner's mind

If we are not willing to let go of what we think we know to explore new ways of interpreting the world, we become stuck. In a beginner's mind there are lots of possibilities. In an expert's mind (an "I know it all" mindset) there are only a few possibilities. In order to grow as a human being, we need to be willing to feel off balance from time to time and become a student of life. We need to be content with sitting with a question rather than quickly jumping to an answer.

Anxiety

According to Flaherty, anxiety happens when we feel our identity starting to loosen. We feel anxious when we sense a kind of threat or uncertainty. Anxiety comes when life's circumstances challenge our way of seeing the world. Flaherty says that we need to interpret anxiety in a different way: as an indication that something exciting is about to happen. We feel anxious when we learn something (a condition for TRUE learning). Flaherty believes that anxiety is the barrier that separates the authentic and inauthentic self. If we consider that anxiety houses a lot of energy, we then have a choice to make: use that energy to preserve the status quo or face the fear to be able to uncover our authentic self. If we let anxiety prevent us from acting, we become smaller and smaller. We can have access to a fuller and happier life if we make friends with anxiety.

James Flaherty has developed an approach to coaching called Integral Coaching. There are parts to ourselves that we cannot relate to. For example, he jokes, you step on the scale in the morning and you cannot relate to the number that appears on the scale. To become fully ourselves as human beings, we need to integrate all four parts of ourselves:

1. Personal World: our inner feelings
2. Body and Behaviour: the body has its own way of knowing things and because it can be observed objectively, people feel that it is more real
3. Relationships and Culture: the social world - our ways of living, talking and observing
4. Human and Natural: our physical environment

"As a coach, where would you recommend we start working with someone?" asked a fifty-something man in the audience. "When in doubt, start with number two, the body. The body is usually the most neglected part of ourselves." replies Flaherty.

"Huh? The body is the most neglected part of ourselves?" I repeat to myself. I work out 6 days a week. I watch what I eat: no processed foods, no sugar. I am making my local pharmacy owner very rich with all the creams, lotions and vitamins I am buying to keep my body healthy. My body is not neglected. What is he talking about?

My shoulder seems to be screaming with pain at this point. Is it trying to tell me something? OK then. Let's try this. What if my body was trying to tell me something that I have not been willing to admit to myself?

What has been on my mind lately? Lots of anxiety. I am worried about my new business. The work has dried up. I have not had any contracts in over four weeks. The only two contracts I had lined up for the rest of the year were for the end of May, and both were cancelled...on the same day!

In between the bouts of panic, I have had some moments of saneness. I have been asking myself "What am I supposed to learn from this situation? What opportunities may I be disregarding?" A friend who is a professional coach listened to me patiently as I was sharing with her my discouragement and fear. She asked me some potent questions: "What did you set out to do when you first launched your business? For the sake of what did you make such a bold step? What are your personal and professional values? Are you living them fully? How much work / money are enough?"

The answers to these questions were quite revealing. My goal in setting up my own consulting firm was to do more of what I love: teaching leadership and finding creative ways to bring the arts into my practice (for example incorporating Improv theatre, poetry and music into my workshops). As it turns out, my fear of not having enough - enough work, enough money, enough respect and credibility as a new business owner - has been dictating my choices. I have accepted any and all contracts that came my way out of a survival mentality. Those contracts have been mostly for facilitating strategic planning and action planning sessions (s0mething I do well but I do not necessarily enjoy). The work that I did do in the areas of leadership development and the arts has been far and few between and more by happenstance.

If my body could talk it might say something like this: "You are carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders. You are trying to build a successful business. To do so you are willing to take whatever comes your way and put in countless hours to get the job done even if the work does not feed your soul. There is only so much pressure I can take you know! You left your government job to pursue your dreams but you are replicating the same pattern of saying yes to everything and anything out of fear of not being needed. There is a part of you that feels that working hard justifies your existence. You tell yourself "If they need me then it must mean that I am somewhat useful to them. And if I am very busy then it must mean that I am very good at what I do." You are letting others define who you are and what you are worth. Well, I say "Enough already!" If you are refusing to listen to your headaches, to that pit in your stomach and your constant fatigue then I have to pull out the big guns and let you feel the pain. It will hurt so much that you won't be able to continue checking off those things on your endless "To Do" list, walking around zombie-like on autopilot. It will hurt so much that you will have to stop, completely. You will have to lie down on a heating pad and be bored for a while. Maybe, just maybe, this time you will ask yourself some hard questions and choose a different path. I sure hope so, for your sake."

My body is pretty wise isn't it? I think so. Now, if only I could "make friends with my anxiety" as Flaherty suggests. Anxiety is a huge source of energy. That source of energy could be canalized into creating a new path for myself. OK shoulder. I've got the message. Here I grow again. Wish me luck!

Standing in the Fire

2010-04-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

I spent last week in Chicago, the windy city, attending a conference of the International Association of Facilitators. It was nice for a change to be a participant rather than a speaker at a conference. It is good to refresh my skills and learn from others.

Larry Dressler gave a workshop entitled Standing in the Fire - Facilitating Yourself When the Conversation Heats Up. Dressler challenged us to look inward to find the strength to stand tall in difficult situations.

"The path to becoming truly effective instruments of change is in the conscious tending of our own fires - attending to what is going on inside of us in order to clearly see and intentionally assist in the unfolding of what is happening outside of us."
Larry Dressler from Standing in the Fire

Larry taught us that there are six ways of "standing in the fire"

1. Stand with self-awareness:

What is the baggage you are carrying with you from your life experiences?
What are your beliefs?
Your judgments?
Your values?
Your tender spots or vulnerabilities stemming from unresolved issues?
Your emotional hot buttons?
What kind of glasses are you wearing to look at the world?

Be aware of them as you walk into difficult situations. They may cloud your judgment and prevent you from accessing solutions in the midst of the fire.

2. Stand in the here and now:

It is so easy to let our mind drag us into the past, the world of regrets and unfinished business. The things we say to ourselves like the "I should of...", "if only I had...", "I could have..." only drag us down to a place that does not exist anymore in time and space. It is wasted energy. But we can apply the lessons we have learned from the past in the here and now. Tap into the wisdom gained from the past rather than lingering in the regrets.

If our mind is not stuck in the past it is often projecting itself into the future: What will happen if ...? What will they think of me? What should I do next? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? All that stipulation, guessing and wondering does not serve you well when you are in the midst of the action, in a difficult situation perhaps.

The key is to come back to the here and now. Come back to the present moment. The best way to become present is to breathe deeply and consciously. Then, when you are feeling more grounded and centered, ask yourself "what needs to happen right now in this moment?" Listen to your intuition. Follow your heart. They will lead the way.

3. Stand with an open mind:

Hold your judgments and opinions lightly. Open up your mind to new possibilities. Try on a different pair of glasses to look at the world. Be prepared to put aside what you hold as true and right to consider, and maybe even accept, different points of view.

Adopt a stance of receptivity and humility when you listen to others.

4. Know what you stand for:

Have you ever made a list of the values that you hold dear in both your personal and professional life? What do you stand for? What do you believe in?

Are there values that trump others in your book? In what circumstances?

What is your life purpose? What do you want to be your legacy? What do you want people remember about you once you are gone from the room and... gone from the world?

5. Dance with surprises:

How do I learn to dance well with what happens to me unexpectedly?

How do I develop the fluidity and flexibility to adapt to the curve balls life throws my way?

I have always liked the fable of The Oak and the Reed by Jean de la Fontaine. The oak boasts that it is so much bigger and impressive than the reed. The oak dominates the scenery with its majestic stance. The reed agrees with him but warns that sometimes being strong and immutable can work against you.

The winds are less fearful to me than to you.
I bend and do not break. You have until now
Against their frightening blows
Stood up without bending your back;
But look out for what can be. —

(Excerpt from The Oak and the Reed fable by Jean de la Fontaine)

A strong wind suddenly comes up from the north. The tree holds up well; the reed bends. The wind doubles its trying and does so well that it uproots the oak tree. The reed danced with the wind and remained intact.

6. Stand with compassion:

Open your heart to others. Instead of making it all about you, consider what it would be like to stand in their shoes for a moment.This can be easier said than done if you are trying to be compassionate with people who disturb or frustrate you.

For example...

First reaction - focus on me:
Why is this person always interrupting me? He always wants to have a word in edge wise and does not seem to want to hear my ideas or opinions. He is inconsiderate. Those types of people infuriate me. They are so self-centered!

Compassionate reaction - focus on them:
Why is person always interrupting me? Could it be that he is afraid that he will not be heard unless he jumps in? Could it be that he is a bit insecure and imposes himself from fear of being disregarded? Could it be that he is so passionate about this topic that he can't contain himself and does not even realize he is cutting me off?

According to Dressler the key to standing in the fire is to be self-aware and present in the moment. When you are in a heated situation reactions are triggered at many levels - physical, emotional and mental. These reactions happen so fast that many are unconscious.

Think back to a time when you were in a difficult situation.

What did you feel on a physical level? Perhaps your heart rate was elevated, you were flushed, you clenched your jaw or your fists, you elevated your voice, etc.

What were your emotions? Maybe you felt afraid or you were angry. Maybe you felt some confusion and embarrassment. Maybe you blamed yourself or the other person.

What was the internal conversation you were having with yourself? Maybe you thought OMG! I've lost control. How did I let this happen? What will they think of me? Will they still like me?

If you were to put into practice the six ways of "standing in the fire" that Dressler recommends, how would that have changed the outcome of that situation.

If nothing else, the next time you face the fire remember to breathe, deeply and consciously...

Problem-solving: a questions of know-how or self-confidence?

2010-04-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

"Maybe we need a course on creative problem-solving" said a manager of training and development services at a local university. She had just finished telling me an anecdote about a woman who refused to help her process some paperwork because "it was not her job and she did not know how". The lady who usually took care of those tasks was away on sick leave and the manager was told that she would just have to wait until the lady returned to get the forms processed. Well that was not going to work! There were time lines to meet and people who counted on her to get the work done. The manager asked to meet with the reluctant woman to explore what could be done. It was a fruitful conversation. Together they managed to find a way to get the work done in the required time lines."I asked her a few probing questions and suggested some alternate ways of considering the situation" the manager said. "We managed to find a creative solution together. It was a win-win for both of us."

Well, in this case, the problem was not just an inability to think creatively I think. There might have been a lack of motivation on the woman's part or maybe she did not have the self-confidence to take action.

If I were to put together a course to help address these kinds of situations in the workplace there would be two parts: know-how to DO and know-how to BE.

In the know-how to DO part of the course we would cover the different theories and tools for problem-solving. Tools like Six Thinking Hats to encourage lateral thinking pioneered by Edward De Bono. Tools to generate, visualize, structure and classify ideas such as Tony Buzan's Mind Mapping process. Techniques to challenge your thinking and collect your great ideas in learning journals such as the one developed by Ed Bernacki, Wow What a Great Idea!

Ironically, an impediment to creativity is thinking. Thinking too logically and rationally. To find creative solutions to problems, we need to rely more on our right brain abilities: seeing the big picture, making free associations, using symbols and metaphors.

In his book entitled Drive, Daniel Pink talks about an experiment called the candle problem that was devised by psychologist Karl Duncker in the 1930's. Subjects are asked to sit at a table by a wooden wall. On the table there is a candle, a box filled with tacks, and a book of matches. Subjects are asked to find a way to attach the candle to the wall so that the wax doesn't drip on the table.

What would you do?

Many people start by trying to tack the candle to the wall. But that doesn't work. Some melt the wax on the side of the candle with a match and try sticking the candle to the wall. But that doesn't work either. After 5 or 10 minutes people usually stumble on the solution. They empty the box of its tacks and tack the box to the wall. Then, they stick the candle to the bottom of the box.

In order to find the solution, subjects have to overcome what is called "functional fixedness" or, in other words, what their mental model is regarding the function of a box. At first, they don't see alternate uses for the box outside of holding tacks. Their mental model of what a box is meant for prevents them from finding the solution at once. They have to challenge their current view of the world in order to stumble on the solution.

If experimenters leave the tacks out of the box at the outset of the experiment, subjects find the solution to the "candle problem" much quicker. The empty box triggers a different mental model: the notion of a box is a container. The jump to the solution is facilitated by the sight of an empty box.

In short, what this means is that one of the first step to finding creative solutions to problems is to cultivate our ability to, pardon the pun, "think outside of the box". Creativity requires a willingness to let go of what we think we know and be open to new possibilities.

The second part of my workshop on a creative problem-solving would focus on know-how to BE: personal leadership.

That is the most difficult...

How can you motivate people? The truth is you can't. You can only help create the right conditions for someone to find their own source of motivation. According to Daniel Pink, the three key elements to true motivation are autonomy, purpose and mastery.

Determining what your source of motivation is requires some introspection. Reflecting on questions such as the following would provide some precious insights:
Does my work define who I am?
Do I look forward to coming to work every day? Why?
What are my interests? Aptitudes?
How can I find ways to better use my skills and abilities in my work?
Is it time for me to make a bold move and change jobs?

How can you build self-confidence? That is another tricky.

Part of the answer lies in helping individuals reconnect with their own personal leadership. Everyone has demonstrated initiative in their lives whether in their work life or personal life. Helping people remember that they have what it takes to be courageous and successful is the first step in building self-confidence.

Dealing with fears and erroneous judgments is another step towards self-confidence. In the situation I described above, could it be that the woman was afraid to overstep some boundaries if she did her colleague's job while she was away? Could it be that she was concerned about her boss' or colleagues' reaction if she did a job that she was not trained to do? Could it be that she was afraid of making mistakes and being judged harshly?

Have you ever heard of the expression "a career limiting move"? In government, where I used to work, that expression was rampant. It meant be careful what you do or say. Tow the line, don't make any waves and keep your head low. Could that type of culture have a negative impact on someone taking some initiative?

In conclusion, problem-solving is not as simple (or as difficult - depending on your perspective) as finding a solution. The key is to have the initiative to look for it...

Yin and Yang - Balance

2010-04-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have long been fascinated by the Yin and Yang Chinese symbol. This symbol represents the complementary yet opposite nature of the masculine (Yang) and female (Yin) energies. The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin.

The shapes are not completely black or white. They have a "seed" of the other color within them as a reminder that things in life are not completely black or white. Everything is inter-connected.

The Chinese refer to the sky as yang and the earth as yin. Yang is active and yin is restful. Thus, as activity culminates in rest which in turn culminates in activity, yang becomes yin as yin becomes yang. These two elements are inseparable since they imply each other.

Yin
Yin energy is female, shady, dark, cold, water, night, space, rounded, nurturing and soft. Even personalities can be yin. Those who express themselves with thoughts more than action are said to possess yin personalities.

Yang
The attributes of yang energy are male, sunny, light, warm, fire, day, time, sharp, movement and expansion. Yang personalities are concentrated, active and projecting. These types express themselves through actions.

If personalities can be predominantly Yin or Yang, could jobs, every day chores and leisure activities have a Yin or Yang quality?

We could say that jobs in teaching, sales, policing, business, and even government depend on Yang energy. They involve a lot of interactions with other people and demand that you project your energy outward.

On the other hand, computer programmers, researchers, librarians, artists like painters or pottery makers, for example, have jobs that could be characterized as Yin jobs because they spend most of their time on their own thinking and creating. Their energy is focused inward.

What about every day chores?

Yin chores: folding the laundry, ironing clothes, dusting furniture, and depending on your mindset, vacuuming, washing dishes, cooking, raking the leaves outside, etc.

Yang chores: helping your kids with homework, taxiing the kids to and from hockey games or dance lessons, grocery shopping, running errands to the dry cleaners, pharmacy, etc.

Assessing if daily chores are Yin or Yang is tricky because a lot of it depends on the mindset you have as you do the chores. For example, I have a friend who loves ironing clothes because she finds that the back and forth motion with the iron is soothing. Ironing gives her some precious "down" time away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I have another friend who likes vacuuming for the same reason, she finds the admittedly much noisier back and forth motion comforting because she is alone with her thoughts and feels an immediate sense of accomplishment seeing clean carpets. The activities can be deemed Yin if they help you tune out and be alone with your thoughts. If you are expending a lot of energy getting things done quickly and with gusto, the activities have a more Yang quality.

What about leisure activities?

Team sports like hockey, volleyball, basketball, soccer, etc are definitely Yang activities.

Yoga, meditation, gardening, and even running are leisure activities that allow you to go inward and spend time with yourself.

Do you have a balanced life?

For me, the symbol Yin and Yang reminds me of the importance of balance. Is your energy usually expended outward or focused inward. Are you doing more than you are being?

Most of us spend the majority of our day expending our energy outside of ourselves. As a manager, you need to get the job done while attending to the people who count on you for guidance. As a homeowner there is an endless list of chores to do around the house to keep things going. As a parent, your kids' needs often (if not always) take precedence over your own. As a member of a sport team or the Parent Teacher Association or the church choir, you have responsibilities to fulfill because others have expectations of you.

I would venture that most of us have lives that are heavily weighted on the Yang side of the equation. How can we regain a sense of balance? How can we incorporate more Yin like activities in our lives?

How do you feel about spending time on my own? A friend admitted to me recently that she did not know how to spend time by herself. She is actually afraid of those solitary times so she fills her calendar to the brim. And when she is alone, she throws herself into activities like reorganizing the storage space in her closets, redecorating a room or doing strenuous yard work. Does that describe you too? Or have you developed the personal discipline required to stop the merry-go-round regularly so you can replenish your energy.

Using the descriptions above as a guideline, evaluate if your life is in balance or out of balance.

As for me, they say you teach what you need to learn... I still have a long way to go to incorporate more Yin time in my life. I would love to hear how you do it. Can you teach me a few tricks?

A Management Paradox: Autonomy Leads to Higher Engagement

2010-03-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

The idea of management, (as in management of people as opposed to supply chains for example)is built on certain assumptions. Daniel Pink, author of the book Drive says management "presumes that to take action or move forward, we need a prod - that a absent a reward or punishment, we'd remain happily and inertly in place. It also presumes that once people do get moving, they need direction and that without a firm and reliable guide they'd wander."

"When we enter the world are we already hard wired to be passive or inert? Or, are we wired to be active and engaged?" Pink asks.

Pink is convinced that we it is in our nature to be curious and self-directed. Have you ever seen a child who is not curious or self-directed? If by the age of 13 or 44 we have become passive and inert, it is because life has taught us to be that way, something flipped our default setting.

In my father's generation, companies viewed human beings as human resources, simply cogs in a wheel to keep the machine running. (Some would argue that many businesses are still stuck in 1950's when it comes to this mindset.) But today, economic accomplishment, and of course personal accomplishment, depends on allowing our nature to surface and thrive rather than stuffing it in a rigid box. It means that as managers, we need to resist the temptation to control people. Instead, we need to create an work environment that reawakens people deep-seated sense of autonomy and initiative. That is the key from moving from blind obedience to inspired performance in the workplace.

A sense of autonomy has a powerful effect on individual performance. Recent behavioral science studies have shown that autonomy leads to more innovation, higher productivity, less burn-out and an enhanced sense of well-being. For example, a group from Cornell University studied 320 small businesses. Half of those companies granted autonomy to their employees and the other half used a top-down approach to management. The businesses that gave their employees more freedom of action grew four times more rapidly and had one third less staff turnover than the business that had a command and control style of management.

So why is it then that the majority of companies are still relying on a style of management that still largely revolves around supervision, "if you do this, we will we give you that" type of rewards and other forms of controls?

Pink tells the story of a software company in Australia called Atlassian who tried a bold experiment in 2002. The owners of the company, Scott Farquhar and Mike Cannon-Brookes, wanted to jump start creativity and innovation in their organization. They decided to set aside an entire day once a quarter for their engineers to work on any software problem they wanted as long as it was something that was not part of their regular day-to-day job. The day begins at 2:00 pm on a Thursday and at 4:00 pm on the Friday, engineers come together for a celebration with cold beer and chocolate cake to show off their progress. Many employees worked through the night for the fun of it.

Over the years, these creativity sessions yielded a whole variety of software solutions that might not have emerged otherwise. In the Spring of 2008, Atlassian announced that for the next 6 months, software developers could spend 20 percent of their time, rather than one intense day four times a year, working on any project they wanted. In a blog post to employees they said: "our hope is that 20% time gives engineers back dedicated stack time - of their own direction - to spend on product innovation, features, plugins, fixes of additions that they think are the most important."

A surprising fact is that one of the companies that pioneered this approach was the American company, 3M back in the 1940's (!) The president and chairman at that time, William McKnight, believed in a simple credo "Hire good people and leave them alone." 3M technical staff could spend 15% of their time on projects of their own choosing. The creator of Post-it notes, Art Fry, came up with his very profitable idea during his 15% time! As a matter of fact, most of the inventions that have carved 3M such an envious niche in their field came from those experimental periods of playing around with ideas.

The carrot and stick approach used to "motivate" employees in the workplace is seriously disconnected from what behavioral science is demonstrating: autonomy leads to innovation and to a sense of job satisfaction.

What about you? Does having freedom of action a factor in increasing your level of motivation? What has been your experience in the workplace? How could we make a solid business case for increased autonomy in workplaces? Would love to hear your ideas about this...

Souvenir from Cuba

2010-03-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

I relish in the warm embrace of the sun,
The caress of the tropical breeze on my face,
And the heady smell of the spicy earth.

At my first glimpse of the ocean, I catch my breath.
I am in awe as I drink in
The turquoise color of the water
The rythm of the waves, like a strong heart beat
The soft white sand beneath my feet...

As I walk along the beach, the sun is rising on the horizon
Projecting new patterns of light on the water.
I feel my heart growing wings.
Joy seeps into my being.
I feel a huge sense of gratitude
For the wondrous gifts of nature.

I am reconnecting with the child within.
She kneels down in the sand
And picks up treasures from the sea:
An orange sea shell;
A broken nautilus that looks like a rose bud;
A minuscule sand dollar, perfectly round;
A pristine white clam shell with a hole
That becomes a pendant on a silver chain.

People I meet say hello.
They smile a real smile
They are happy like me

I find a sheltered spot
And I practice my Qi Gong, face to the sun.
I feel the energy moving through me
And with me.

I am far away from home
And at the same time, I am home.

I am on an adventure.
An adventure of the soul.
My soul expands and grows.
My soul is elated.
I am in communion with the universe.

I am here.
We are here.
We are one.

Leaving a legacy

2010-03-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrated my father's 80th birthday. Isn't that something? He was born in 1930 and was a child of the Great Depression; lived through the horrors of the Second World War; was in his early twenties when Elvis Presley was making girls swoon; was a new dad when the Beatles invaded America; saw the advent of the computer that took up a whole room to computers in the palm of your hand. He has so many stories to tell.

He is the patriarch of a big family, four daughters, one son, and twelve grandchildren. So many lives he touches.

The thing that I admire the most about my father is the fact that at fifty, he had the courage to go back to school to do a Masters Degree in Counselling. This was a big departure from his work as a biologist working for the federal government for over 35 years. He had always had the desire to help others. As a young adult, he had seriously considered becoming a missionary working in third world countries but life's unexpected twists and turns led him to studying science instead. Like a thirst that has not been satisfied, he felt drawn to revisit his earlier dream of helping others find peace and happiness. For one of the first time in his life, after raising five kids, he put himself at the top of his list and gave himself the permission to spend some time and money on himself. I remember watching him doing his homework on the kitchen table at night with the same verve someone would devote to writing the next Booker prize worthy book. If he was going back to school, he would do it with pride and get straight "A's".

Seeing my dad fretting over his homework, studying relentlessly, and wanting to succeed so badly was an inspiration to me. My parents both went to university and valued education. They had socked away enough money to allow every one of their five children to go to university or college. I had always known that I would go to university one day and because my parents were paying for my education, I don't think that I valued it as much as I should... I took it all in stride. Seeing my father work so hard gave me a new perspective about learning. It is a true privilege to pursue post-secondary studies in a domain of your choosing.

Education is such a strong value for my dad that he has invested money in Registered Education Saving Plans for each and every one of his grandchildren.

By going back to school at fifty, not only did my father show me the value of education, but he also gave me a more lasting lesson: it is important to honor and love your dreams and...yourself.

When I was growing up, I did not wholly appreciate my parent's self-sacrifices. They always put their children first. But I did sense that they were not completely happy or content. My paternal grandmother had suffered through raising seven children in very difficult circumstances and my father learned along the way that being a parent was tough work. Being a parent, in my father's experience, was years and years of endless responsibilities, physical and mental exhaustion and self-denial.

At some point along the way though, my father decided to rewrite the family history of the good but unhappy parent. He took the plunge. He went for it. He believed it was not too late to pursue his long time dream. He did something about it. He chose himself for once.

I tease him. He went back to school in his fifties. I waited until my forties to follow my dreams. Maybe if each generation shaves off 10 years before they allow themselves to be happy, my children's kids will be happy all their adult lives...One would hope.

A few years ago I had the pleasure of spending a day at a workshop with Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. At one point, when he was teaching us the principle of "beginning with the end of mind", he asked us to imagine ourselves at 80 years of age looking back on our lives and speculating what our children, friends, colleagues and neighbours would say was the one thing they gained from knowing us. Covey's challenge to us was to live our lives in alignment with the legacy we wanted to leave our loved ones.

I think that my father can be proud of how he led his life. I hope he knows how much he has given all of us: wisdom, pride and more importantly, love.

If you were 80 years old, looking back at your life, what would you want your legacy to be?

Motivation - it's a very personal thing

2010-02-28T06:45:00.000-08:00

How can I motivate my employees to go the extra mile? How can I motivate my kids to do their homework, or clean their rooms? How can I motivate my friend to stop sabotaging her resolution to stop smoking?

Did you know that you cannot motivate people? Motivation has to come from within. You can help create the conditions that may lead to motivation but you can't make someone want to do something unless they decide they want to.

When everything else seems out of whack, having order in my home gives me a sense of control in at least one area of my life. My teenage daughter knows how much order and cleanliness is important to me and that is exactly why she has chosen to create chaos in her bedroom. There is so much stuff spread out on the floor that you cannot walk in without having to jump over piles of dirty laundry, or clean clothes that never made their way to the closet and drawers; drawings, drawing paper, pencils and erasers; posters that fell off the wall but never got stuck back on, and tons of books (she reads maybe 5 books a week). Her room has been our battle ground for months now. Granted, I need to learn to let go a little and I have made some progress on that front. I only ask her to pick up her room twice a month so that we can vacuum and toss out that the half-eaten food before it makes the whole second floor smell like the bottom of a garbage can. More importantly, to give her the privacy she so ardently desires, I am valiantly resisting the urge to clean her room myself when I can't stand it no more.

For a few days now, I have been trying every tactic in the book to get her to clean up her room. I tried to sweet talk her. I tried to give her ultimatums. I also have, I am ashamed to say, tried bribing her with treats. To no avail...of course.

This morning she gets a call from a brand new friend who wants to come and visit. Within an hour her room was picked up, vacuumed, posters hung up and she even made her bed! She was motivated to make a good impression on her new friend (much more potent motivation than to make her mom happy!)

Daniel Pink, the author of A Whole New Mind, has written a new book called Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. He demonstrates that while the carrot and stick approach, motivating through external rewards like money, has been successful in the twentieth century it will not cut it for today's challenges. The secret to high performance and satisfaction is the deeply human need to direct our own lives, to learn and create new things and to do better by ourselves and our world.

The three elements of true motivation are autonomy, mastery and purpose.

Pink illustrates that point well through a bit of storytelling. He asks us to transport ourselves back to 1995. You are sitting down with an economist and say to her: "I've got a crystal ball that can see fifteen years into the future. I would like to see if you can forecast what I see."

"I will describe two types of encyclopedias, one that was just launched and another that will be created a few years later. I want you to tell me which one will be most successful in 2010."

"The first encyclopedia is funded by Microsoft. Professional writers and editors are paid to write thousands of articles. Well-paid managers will oversee the project to ensure on-time and on-budget completion."

"The second encyclopedia won't be funded by a company. It will be created by tens of thousands of people who write and edit articles for fun. Participants will work for free. The encyclopedia will exist online and will also be free."

Now you say to the economist "In fifteen years, one encyclopedia will be the largest and the most popular in the world and the other will be defunct. Which is which?"

Of course, you have guessed by now that the most successful encyclopedia is Wikipedia.

The people who contribute to the knowledge base in Wikipedia do it because they want to, nobody tells them that it's their job. Choosing your actions or in other words, exercising autonomy, is to the first element of true motivation according to Pink. Contributors to Wikipedia find that sharing their knowledge and expertise gives them a purpose, the second element of motivation. And as they research, write and edit their posts, contributors develop their own personal mastery in the subject area, the third element in motivation.

I am off to Montreal tomorrow to facilitate a 1200 people plenary session on employee engagement. The organizers wanted the participants to leave the conference feeling motivated and willing to volunteer their time to support their management community. Was there a workshop that I could teach on engagement? "Engagement comes from within" I replied, "you cannot teach it. What you can do perhaps, is create an experience for participants that will help them connect with their own leadership abilities and revive their desire to make a difference. The rest is up to them..."

I believe that if you work or frequent a motivated individual, their enthusiasm and sense of purpose is contagious. Maybe one of the best way to "motivate" someone is to become the best they can be is to model the way yourself...

What motivates you to try your best? Think about it in terms of autonomy, purpose and mastery.

A split second

2010-02-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

I was not happy when I finished the race," said Nesbitt, who became just the second woman in Olympic history to win the 1,000 metres speed skating race on home soil. "I didn't think that time would hold out. I thought, 'the worst I can do is a bronze' [Nesbitt posted the first-place time in the second-last pair]. But then I thought, 'I didn't come here to win bronze.'"

Nesbitt, who lives in London, Ontario, ended up winning by 2/100ths of a second, just edging out a pair of Dutch skaters.

She won by 2/100ths of a second! Think about it. A blink of an eye made the difference between gold and bronze. Is that skill, sheer luck or perhaps destiny?

German skater Monique Angermuller, who was paired with Nesbitt, said she had helped the Canadian win gold by providing a draft.

Nesbitt agreed. “She gave me a really good draft for a bit. But that was probably the two-hundredths of a second. She's right. She probably got me there.”

Douglas has dedicated countless hours of his life to train just for this chance at an Olympic medal. He was considered a strong contender for the skeleton race but three minutes obliterated all the blood, sweat and tears that he invested to attain his goal.

“It has happened to athletes before in the past and they received a fine,” said Douglas. “I went to take the runner guards off. I was late for sure, but the security guard let me in. They had just begun their technical checks on the first sled. They hadn’t even got to mine.

“They say I was three minutes late; I say one minute. They let me take the guards off, they watched me do it, then a half-hour later they DQ’d me.”

Douglas was disqualified. He was not allowed to participate in the race of a lifetime. Three minutes made the difference between a chance at winning and a complete, utter failure.

Time. Some say it is the most precious commodity. When you lose it, you can't win it back.

In light of these Olympic stories, I have been thinking about times when a split second may have made a huge difference in my life. Obviously, I can think of many times as an athlete, especially as a competitive runner, when seconds made a difference.

But there are other times too. For example, I am driving along on the highway, wanting to change lanes, but for some reason I hesitate at the last moment. A car who was in my blind spot speeds by and I breathe a sigh of relief. I almost had an accident. (I bet that happened to you).

A few years back as I am leaving the theatre after watching my daughter's play, I decidedly walk to the Theatre Director and I hear myself asking her when I can sign up for the adult acting classes. I had not planned this. Not even sure how those words got out of my mouth. It is as if something bigger than me made a split second decision and acted before my consciousness could even catch up with what was going on. I am so happy I did though. Acting is one of my great pleasures in life. I had toyed with the idea of acting in community theatre for years but until then I had found all sorts of reasons why I should not act. That day, at that moment, my higher self just took over and did not give my mind a chance to stop me in mid-action. In a split-second, a life-changing decision was made.

My husband and I were discussing this over coffee this morning. He says that if something happens in a split second you are not thinking. There is no time in a split second to gather information, analyze, compare options and choose. You are just reacting. In that split second, it is your whole past, your life experiences, and your instinct, that act for you.

Sometimes, we need to let go of our ego and fears and just trust the moment. We need to get out of our own way so that our inner wisdom can act.

What about you? Were there times in your life when a split second made a difference?

On love...

2010-02-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

In honor of St-Valentine's day, I thought I would share with you a poem about love by one of my favorite poets, Khalil Gibran. (I like Gibran so much that at my wedding, we recited the words of his poem "On Marriage" as part of the ceremony)

Khalil Gibran was a Lebanese American artist, poet, and writer, born on January 6, 1883 in the town of Bsharri in modern-day Lebanon. As a young man, he emigrated with his family to the United States where he studied art and began his literary career. He died young, at the age of 47 on April 10, 1931. He is chiefly known for his 1923 book The Prophet, a series of philosophical essays written in English prose.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

The Rhythm of Your Life

2010-02-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

My breathing is out of sync. My movements are not smooth. I can feel myself struggling. I need to find my rhythm. I relax into the movement. I bring my awareness back to my body and to the soothing feel of the water. My arm strokes even out and my breath finds its rhythm. When I am in the zone I can swim endlessly it seems.

I broke my toe a few days before Christmas and had to lay off the running for a few weeks. My sister, who is also an avid runner, suggested that I switch to swimming laps to keep my fitness level up until I healed. I used to love swimming. Swimming was my only sport for a while. Don't know why, but I just stopped one day, many years ago. Now I find myself back in the pool with the early morning regulars, swimming lap after lap and it comforts me. It's feels like coming home somehow.

Somewhere between lap 35 and 40, it occurred to me that it is the rhythm that comforts me. Back and forth, lap after lap, same speed, same arm movements, same leg movements, the rhythm accompanies me.

Rhythmic movements envelop us with a sense of calm. Anyone who has rocked a baby to sleep or spent some time in a rocking chair can attest to the soothing power of slow rhythmic movements. But the movements do not necessarily need to be slow to be appeasing.

I like the fast rhythmic pace of running. Hearing the regular thump of my feet hitting the pavement, my arms pumping back and forth, my breathing accelerated but in cadence.

When you think about it, many activities of everyday life have a rhythm.

Our routines have rhythm: get up, shower, get dressed, brush your teeth, grab some breakfast, get to work or school, etc. Most of us do all those actions in the same order every morning. It is a habit that has a rhythm.

Our days have a rhythm: morning, noon and night; breakfast, lunch and supper; work and play; wake up and go to bed.

The stages of our lives have rhythm: the carefree years of childhood, the angst of teenage years, the study and party till you drop years of university or college, the "going to work" years, the "raising a family" years, the empty nest years and the retirement years.

Rhythm is relaxing. Maybe it is because the the first sound we hear as a human being is rhythmic. It is the sound of our mother's heartbeat in the womb.

The sound of the rhythmic breathing of a child sleeping or of our lover's breathing as he or she lays next to us in bed are some of the most soothing sounds in the world. They are sounds that let us know that everything is well in the world.

What are the rhythms of your life? Do they envelop you with a sense of calm? Do they bring you peace of mind?

Sometimes our life rhythms can lull in a sense of false complacency. People put up with things just because they are familiar. As the saying goes "the devil you know if better than the devil you don't know". Even though we are not happy with the current situation, it is sometimes just too scary to try something new. I think the first red flag to watch for is a general sense of restlessness. Something just does not feel right. So we think, "maybe I just need a break from it all" and start looking for a quick escape down to the Caribbean for a week or two as a way to interrupt the boring rhythm of our lives. Vacations may only be a temporary solution. Sometimes a vacation is just what the doctor ordered. When we come back, we are feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world again. Other times, we are disappointed to realize that the same old feelings of discomfort are upon for us the moment we return to the regular routine. Has this ever happened to you?Has this ever happened to you?

Jon Kabat-Zinn is a Professor of Medicine Emeritus and founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He teaches mindfulness meditation as a technique to help people cope with stress, anxiety, pain and illness. He wrote a book entitled Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life (Hyperion, 1994) Think about it, even when you try to escape from what ails you hoping on a plane or drinking that fourth glass of wine, what ails you never leaves your side because it is within you. The answer? Choose to do and be differently.

Sometimes we need to change up the rhythms of our lives so that a new possibility can emerge. Is there anything in your life that you would like to change? First, you need to stop and listen to the rhythm of your life. Then you need to decide if you like it. You can change the tempo of the music or the style of the music. You can learn to appreciate new types of music of your life. You can even make music out of dissonant sounds. It is up to you to choose the beat of your life dance and play your own drums.

Slowing down

2010-01-31T10:14:00.000-08:00

"Be conscious of your breath, follow its journey into your body as you breathe in the air through the nostrils, down the throat into the lungs and deep into your belly. Your belly rises with each inhale and falls with each exhale. Ride the waves of your breath."

I coached the ladies laying on their yoga mats to be aware of their breath. Some women were in their late forties like me, many trying yoga for the first time. Two sisters, young women in their late teens, had brought their mother to the workshop with them "because she needs to relax" they said. The poster advertising this free Sunday morning workshop entitled "Yoga for Busy Women", showed a picture of a frazzled woman multi-tasking aspiring to be a calmer woman sitting quietly and meditating. The workshop description read as follows:

If you have always wanted to try yoga but didn’t know where to start, this class is for you. Join us for a beginner yoga class that celebrates diversity: all ages and fitness levels. Learn basic postures and breathing exercises that will help you regain balance and a sense of calm in your busy life.

When I pitched the idea to Chris, the Fitness Coordinator at a local Recreational Activity Centre way back in August, he was intrigued with my approach.

I said "I know many women who would like to try yoga but don't sign up for a class because they believe that if you don't look like Lady Gaga in spandex and can't contort your body into a pretzel shape like Rodney Yee, you are not meant to do yoga. Plus, there is the guilt factor that prevents these women from coming to class. They don't get around to signing up for classes because they put everybody else in their family first and find it difficult justifying taking an hour or two away from home for themselves. And it is a real shame because they are the type of women that would benefit most from yoga."

(Can you tell that I am pretty passionate about this? As the saying goes, "you teach what you need to learn". I am definitely a Type A personality, a woman who runs around multi-tasking with a perpetual "To Do" list. I did not know the meaning of slowing down until a few years ago when my body just gave up and forced me take a long hard look at myself. I had to stop and take stock of the impact that my life choices were having on my health: physical, mental and spiritual. I decided to change my ways, slowly but surely. I still have lots to learn though...)

"So if they haven't been coming to our yoga classes so far, how are we going to recruit them now?" Chris asked.

"What if instead of putting the emphasis on fitness by teaching a long list of challenging postures, we put the emphasis on how to apply what yoga teaches us in our every day life? I could teach participants easy basic postures they can do while sitting at their desk at the office, or while standing in the kitchen in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of home life or just before bed as a way to decompress. The emphasis would be on the breath and on the body awareness - our core and our centres of energy. The class could be part yoga practice and part support group. We could build on women's need to be part of a community by opening up each class with a cup of green tea and a casual dialogue. We could create a safe place for women to chat and learn from each other. They could share their tips and tricks and not feel so alone when dealing with all the craziness around them."

"That might just work you know" said Chris. "I am game to try it out if you are. Let's start with a free class as a pilot to gauge interest and we'll take it from there."

"If you build it, they will come" Kevin Costner's character said in the movie "Field of Dreams". That is what we did. We chose a date, put up the posters, and made the offer. "Busy women, give yourself some "me" time to get acquainted with your body and learn ways to take care of yourself."

And the women came. We had a full class and they loved it. After class, they marched to the Customer Service Desk and asked that this class be part of the regular offering of classes at the centre. I do hope that management will head to their requests. Busy women need a time and place where they can just "be" with themselves in the here and now.

Wouldn't it be cool if we started a bit of a new trend in fitness centres...classes for the body, mind and spirit of participants.

What do you do to recharge your batteries?

Do you permit yourself to pause and listen to your body.

Do you practice staying still long enough to quieten the constant babbling of your mind?

Do you check in with your spirit from time to time to become conscious of your state of being? Are you happy and content? Or are you sad and uneasy?

What does your soul have to say? What is your purpose and are you aligned to it?

What are ways that you can slow down the frenzied pace of your life this week?

You gotta think INSIDE the box

2010-01-24T05:17:00.000-08:00

I had so much fun yesterday co-leading a workshop with my friend Rob Nickerson, “Mr. Improv Extraordinaire” for a group of corporate folks in Montreal. “You gotta think inside the box” Rob Nickerson said to the crowd. “Huh? That is not how it goes. I always thought it was the other way around, you gotta think outside the box”

Not so, according to Rob Nickerson. After 26 years as an improviser, actor, writer & director, Rob brings a unique perspective and skill set to the corporate world.

“If you truly want to be creative, you need to work within the restrictions of your corporate environment.” You need to succeed by finding creative ways of working within the limitations such as the pursuit of profitability, conflicting priorities, rules and regulations, and deadlines to name just a few.

“How many of you have seen the movie Apollo 13?” Rob asked the crowd? Half the hands go up. “Do you remember the scene where the crew is in danger because they have been up there too long and there are creating too much carbon dioxide in the capsule? They need to find a way to filter the carbon dioxide to stay alive. Back on earth, a group of scientists are assembled around a table. A guy comes in with a big cardboard box filled with hoses, computer parts, tape, etc. and he dumps the contents of the box onto the table. He says to the scientists “These are materials that are available in the capsule. We need to come up with a way to solve this problem with what is on this table.” They needed to find a solution within the “box”.

What is the link with improvisation you might say. Improvisers excel at solving problems with limited, restrictive resources. Improvisers are creative thinkers. They are nimble, and quick on their feet. They collaborate with their teammates to take advantage of the combined brain power to find novel solutions. They listen differently, with their whole being, to have access to new knowledge. Improvisers can see the big picture. They see how things that at first appear unrelated, actually can be re-assembled to yield new possibilities.

One of the critical skills of an improviser is the ability to do “whole listening.” Rob describes “whole listening” as a “heightened state of awareness that allows you to recognize and process as much information as possible in the moment so that you may make the best decision for this moment at this moment.” During a storytelling exercise where small groups of people are asked to co-create a story by each taking a turn to say just one word, Rob kept reminding folks to lean in towards each other and make eye contact. “Listen with your whole body. Use all of your senses. Get your ego out of the way. You are too worried about what others might think about you and that prevents you from truly connecting with your teammates on the task at hand.”

Another crucial quality of improvisers is their willingness to “take care of their partner”.It is all about trust really. When I develop and nurture strong relationships with my partners, I can let go of my fears and trust that we will carry each other when the time comes. We have each other’s “back”. One person’s strength compensates for another’s weakness and vice versa. As a team, we have access to more ideas, more experience, more courage than if we were just by ourselves.

One participant said “At first, I was sitting back, feeling uncomfortable. I was worried about doing this “right”. I was feeling awkward. But then I just decided to let go and have a bit of fun. That made a huge difference in the way I experienced the exercise. I got out of my own way and my teammates gained a more enthusiastic and motivated partner."

If you need just one good reason to hone your improvisational skills, I would say it is to enhance your capacity to deal with change. Rather than fighting change, you dance with it. As an improviser, we become more nimble and adaptable to what life throws our way because we know that ultimately, the solution is within us. Change is just another opportunity to get our creative juices flowing. As Rob says, “creativity is just a matter of getting our mind out of the way so that our brain can do what it is meant to do, generate brilliant ideas!”

In summary, Rob Nickerson teaches us that there improvisers have a set of basic skills that can help us be more successful in life. They are:

Taking care of your partner

Thinking on your feet

Leveraging change

Whole listening

Working inside the box

The power of collaboration

What do you think? Would you like to sign up for a workshop on improvisation?

In which area of your life would improvisation be the most useful right now? At work? At home? At play?

Which improv skill are you the most comfortable with? And which improv skill would you like to develop further?

What makes you happy?

2010-01-17T12:46:00.001-08:00

I was driving back home after spending a couple of hours at my in-laws doing groceries, making them lunch and doing a bit of cleaning up. My mother-in-law had her chemo treatment number four on Friday (just two more to go) and she is not feeling very well. The radio was on and the Nickelback song If Today Was Your Last Day was playing. Usually, I'd think "this is a pretty sappy song" but today, for some reason, I paid attention to the lyrics and I had an unexpected reaction. Here is the refrain.

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day...

I thought, “if today was my last day I would be content.” I did some of my very favourite things today. I started my day off with a one hour class of yoga, then went out for some green tea and had a heart to heart talk with one of my good friends. I got a call from my husband who is at an “away” this weekend at a Ringette tournament with my youngest daughter to tell me that she had scored her first goal of the season and her team was advancing to the finals. My daughter loves Ringette and my husband anything to do with ice rinks, strategic plays and friendly competition (whether its Ringette or, his favourite, hockey). I knew they were both happy right now. My eldest daughter is dating a new boyfriend and she is floating on air these days. She actually said “I love you back” when I said I loved her.

And I did a good deed. My mother-in-law was so appreciative that I came over to help her out for a few hours. I left their house feeling really good.That is when I heard the song... If Today Was Your Last Day. I felt like all was right in my little world.

What a great feeling! I don’t have that feeling very often because I tend to look at what is missing rather than what is right. That is just my personality. Over the last two years I have been working hard at changing my attitude. Today’s “eureka” moment was a proof that my efforts are paying off. I would just not have experienced that feeling of contentment a few years ago.

Have you seen the movie “Runaway Bride” with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? In a nutshell, Julia Roberts' character Maggie, loves to be engaged but gets cold feet the day of the wedding. She has ran away from the alter four times. Richard Gere's character, Ike, is a reporter who is intrigued by this Runaway Bride and decides to write a story about her. He spends time in the little town where she lives, gets to know her and her "exes". Eventually they fall in love, get engaged, and yes, at the last minute, she runs away...again. There is a scene in the movie that struck me. Ike tells Maggie that with every one of her ex-fiancés, she morphed into a different person to please them. One fiancé tells Ike that Maggie likes her eggs over-easy. He remembers that about her because that is how he likes them. The second fiancé says that Maggie prefers her eggs poached, the third says she likes Eggs Benedict and the fourth say she likes her eggs scrambled. Ike`s point is that Maggie does not even know what she likes. After her broken engagement with Ike, Maggie spends time figuring out who she is. There is a scene where she tastes all the eggs dishes. She discovers that she likes Eggs Benedict but not any other kind.

So why am I telling you this story you wonder? In order to change my attitude towards life, I had to start with the basics. I was a lot like Maggie in the Runaway Bride movie. I was a master chameleon trying to please everyone. I could easily rime off a whole list of things that made my mother happy, my sisters happy, my husband happy, my kids happy and my boss happy...but I did not really know what made me happy. I had forgotten along the way. Realizing this, I decided one day to make a list of the things that made me happy. It took me a while, but I managed to identify quite a few things that brought joy to my life. That day, I made a decision to start choosing to include these joyful things more often in my life. What makes me happy are small things like a vase of fresh flowers or a walk in nature. Over time, as I built up my happiness muscles, I started to dream a bit bigger. I signed up for acting classes and did community theatre. I got trained as a yoga instructor. And, more recently, I left my government job to start my own consulting business.

Consciously choosing to include in your life things that make you happy is an act of self-love. The trick is to have a healthy balance of self-love with love for others. Maybe that is why I would be content if today was my last day. Today I had a healthy balance of things that made me happy and things that made others happy (and by the way, sometimes they are one and the same...)

My challenge to you this week is to write your own list of what makes you happy. I have a second challenge as well if you are up for it: choose to do at least one thing that makes you happy every day.

Let me know how that goes.

Lessons Learned

2010-01-10T06:23:00.000-08:00

Do you write New Year's resolutions? Do you find that your resolutions are similar from year to year? I think that "losing weight" has been on my list for the last 25 years! I keep gaining and losing the same ten pounds every year...

A few years ago I decided to try something different. Instead of writing my resolutions for the year, I reflected back on the year that had passed and wrote down the lessons I had learned. I found that exercise to be very revealing.

Here are the top five lessons I have learned in the course of the year:

1. Inter-generational communication enriches the workplace and our communities.

Our population is aging. The baby boomers are retiring in record numbers. As they leave, we lose their corporate knowledge.

The Generation X and Y are joining the workforce. They have an innate ability to use technology to connect and to learn and teach.

The older generation and the younger generation have something to learn from each other if only they took the time to listen with an open mind and open heart.

This also applies to children (even adult age children) and their parents, grandchildren and their grandparents. I will keep fond memories from are a few road trips I took with my parents and my daughters this year where I learned some fascinating facts about my family history. My children taught a few things to their grandparents too for example they were surprised to find out that talking on the phone is passé because with MSN you can chat with half a dozen friends all at the same time while listening to music and doing homework.

2. Everyone has a story to tell and a lesson to teach.

I have met some fascinating people this year.

I recall a conversation I had with an older gentleman in a hotel in Fredericton (New Brunswick) who shared with me his career path in the public service and taught me a few things about perseverance and standing for what you believe in.

I remember a privileged moment I spent with a makeup artist at a drug store. She shared her story about her husband’s mental illness and her bout with breast cancer. She told me to stay strong and believe things would be OK. There we were, two strangers crying and hugging each other in the middle of a busy store connecting with each other’s pain.

I had an encounter with a salesperson in a store just last week. I don’t know why but somehow our polite conversation about the New Year turned into an emotional realization that life is precious. She had been in a very serious car accident just after Christmas. The car was totalled but she walked away without a scratch. The emergency personnel told her that she could have easily died in that type of accident. I asked her “Why do you think you were spared?” She admitted that that question had been haunting her ever since and that she felt it was time that she made big changes in her life. We exchanged business cards. I will reconnect with her. She has something to teach me.

3. “Emotion” is still a bad word in the workplace but without it, the humanity is missing...

A Director General approached me this week after we discussed some delicate situations in his work team and said “You are emotional when you talk about injustice in the workplace.” I did not know how to take his comment. I think he meant it as a constructive feedback, a warning maybe. If you show emotions, you won’t be taken as seriously. Let’s put this into perspective. I did not scream or elevate my voice. I did not use any inappropriate words. I did not cry or squirm. I did speak with conviction and dare I say it... passion.

I don’t know how to not show emotion when we talk about something that causes people pain and suffering in the workplace. Honestly, I don’t think I even want to learn how to be less emotional.

People say that my face is an open book. They can tell what I think and feel all the time (I guess that is why I am told I am a good actress – the feelings show through my body language)

I can’t hide what is in my heart. It is just not me. And I don’t see the need to hide my emotions unless I wanted to become a good poker player maybe...

4. When you ask for help, people are gracious.

As I was starting off my new consulting business last year, I met with some colleagues who had been operating their own business for years. They graciously shared with me what they have learned along the way. The things they wish they had done differently. The things that helped them become successful. The things they still want to achieve.

Even though we are all competitors for the same clients and contracts, my friends and colleagues took the time to teach me the ropes and give me pointers to help me succeed as well. They did it to be kind and supportive. They did because they cared about me. If you look at the world as a place of abundance rather than a place of scarcity, you believe that there is more than enough to go around so there is no reason not to share what you have with others. In fact, I believe that what you give away will come back to you at some point.

Thank you Tony, Paul, Susan, Guy, Julie, Daniel and John for your help and guidance.

5. If you are aligned with your purpose, things come to you easily

When I made up my mind to leave my government job to start my own business last September, I felt so at peace even though the circumstances were less than ideal.

The economic crisis was making headlines. I still had two kids in school and in braces. I had no contracts lined up. Colleagues thought I was nuts to leave such a good paying job and a golden pension plan to jump into the unknown. Maybe I was. I just had dreams and a lot of resolve. Somehow, starting my business felt like the right thing to do. I said to my husband and close friends that I could not, not do it. Not doing it would be like denying part of who I am.

Magically, everything fell into place. I surpassed my own hopeful goals. The phone started ringing the first day and never stopped ringing since.

Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am the anxious type. I have a vivid imagination and unfortunately this means that I am also good at “awfullizing” the future. I can easily come up with at least a dozen scenarios of how things can go wrong but oddly enough, I never went into that dark head space with regards to this new business venture. The storm can storm but I stay centered. I have this profound sense of calm because I know that I am doing exactly what I am meant to do.

As they say, “do what you love and the rest will follow.” In my case, that is certainly true. I am happy and content. Great way to start a new decade wouldn’t you say?

What are the lessons you learned in the last year?

How will that have an impact on the choices you make in 2010?

What is the one thing you could do differently this year that would make a significant contribution to your sense of well-being and happiness in the next month?

What is the first step you can take to make it happen?

When will you start?

Happy New Year!

All we really want is to belong...

2010-01-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

We had a very quiet New Year's Eve this year. My eldest daughter had her first New Year's Eve party away from the family and was thrilled to spend this momentous occasion surrounded by her friends.

My husband was busy watching Team Canada playing against the US on the TV in the basement (Some of us non-hockey fans resent having to compete with big sports events for the attention of our loved ones on New Year's Eve ... why do they schedule those games then?)

Since I was going to spend the evening at home with my thirteen year old daughter, I picked up the first two discs of the TV show Glee. I had heard all sorts of rave reviews about the show and was intrigued that the first two CD's they released were selling out at music stores.

I relate to shows about artsy geeks because I was a geek in high school (and still am ...). My daughter also relates to the characters on Glee. I don't think she ever got a Slushee thrown at her face but close ... Like those TV show characters, she stuck out like a sore thumb at her old school. Some "friends" (and I use the term loosely) only saw her off hours off school property because it would have been bad for their image to hang out with her at school. She was miserable.

My daughter has always struggled with friendships at school. When she moved on to high school, things got even worse. She spent all her lunch periods eating alone or with her nose stuck in a book at the library escaping reality through fantasy stories about vampires, werewolves and ordinary kids with super powers. My daughter was bullied everyday. She had banana peels thrown at her face, gum stuck to her hair, and yogurt smeared on her locker door. Her lock was broken into several times. She endured constant snickering behind her back and swarming. She came home one day with bloody scratches on her wrist inflicted by a girl in her class who disagreed with her ideas on how to decorate the class for Halloween. Some days I felt like I was sending her to a war zone when I dropped her off at school in the morning. My heart ached. I felt so helpless.

One night in early September last year, my daughter called her father and I into her bedroom. She was crying and pleaded with us to let her go to the art school downtown. She didn't think that she could put up with another year of bullying and desperately wanted to start a new chapter in her life. She wanted to go somewhere where no one knew her so she could re-write her story.

Even though the school year had already started my daughter was accepted at the art school (her uncle who is a teacher there put in a good word for her). My daughter loves her new school. They have put her in the gifted program. (For many years I had tried to convince the school administration to include her in the gifted program. Because she scored 5 points less on the Otis Lenon IQ Test than the mark off point for gifted individuals, they would not allow it even though some of her teachers and special education teachers observed that she had the classic behavioural markers of a gifted child. By the way, did you know that being gifted is a risk factor for dropping out of school? Gifted kids do not need to work as hard to succeed so they often rush through tasks without giving it their full attention. They understand quickly so they get bored easily. Many feel like they do not fit in because they do not share the same interests as their peers.)

Many of the kids that attend my daughter's new art school were outliers in the regular school system because of their love for arts or their cultural background. My daughter, who is also an outlier, attends school with a bunch of outliers and for the first time since she has started school, she finally feels like she belongs. In this art school, kids have a safe place to express their individuality. No one blinks an eye if a kid reads poetry in the hallway or plucks at his guitar. Girls wearing huge bows in their hair or guys wearing cowboy hats are accepted and maybe even admired for their unique sense of style. No one is shy to declare their sexual preference. It is widely known who is straight, gay or bisexual. It is no big deal. Being different is "normal" in that school.

At a parent-teacher night the week before Christmas holidays, I was flabbergasted when teacher after teacher told me that my daughter had integrated well with the rest of the students and had great social skills. Since prekindergarten, teachers had told us that our daughter lacked social skills and was not a team player. She was a loner and did not know how to make friends.

But all that changed this year thankfully. All our daughter needed was to be reminded that she was intelligent and had something positive to contribute to the world. She needed a school environment that was inclusive no matter what kids wore, how they talked, or how they scored on tests. A school that does not evaluate a kid's intelligence solely on their ability to solve math problems or spell correctly. A school where other types of intelligence are valued and nurtured. A school that embraced diversity and celebrated differences.

Howard Gardner theorized that there are seven types of intelligence. He viewed intelligence as 'the capacity to solve problems or to fashion products that are valued in one or more cultural setting' (Gardner & Hatch, 1989).

Logical/Mathematical: probably the closest to the traditional idea of intelligence, manifested by a facility for science, puzzles, and math, estimating and planning.

Linguistic: manifested by the ability to acquire language and fluency in discussion, people with high linguistic intelligence enjoy lively debate, writing letters, books, poetry and verse, and filling out forms.

Spatial: the ability to mentally map or picture the environment, a process, or a concept, spatially intelligent people can easily visualize and manipulate shapes, are highly observant, have a good sense of direction, can easily follow diagrams and assemble furniture or other do-it-yourself projects.

Musical: musically intelligent people not only have the facility for creating, remembering or replaying tunes or the playing an instrument, but can associate those tunes with other facts as a learning or memorization tool.

Body-kinesthetic: those with high kinesthetic intelligence are well-coordinated, work well with their hands, and are high-energy on-the-go people who learn through example and hands-on experience (trial and error); physically imitation. Associated professions would be as diverse as athletes, typists, carpenters, craftspersons, and dancers.

Interpersonal: the facility for understanding and cooperating other people, to notice and appreciate what affects others; sensitivity. They are good listeners and group leaders and participants; social butterflies; nurturers. Highly interpersonally intelligent people make excellent teachers, nurses, salespersons, politicians, and diplomats.

Intrapersonal: the facility for looking within oneself, of understanding one's own emotions and motivations. Highly intrapersonally intelligent people do not make quick, rash decisions and often enjoy solitary pursuits and hobbies. They often keep a journal and diary.

The Eighth Intelligence: Intuitive: Many people now believe that para-psychological abilities including intuition, clairvoyance, or feeling matters beyond our physical experience should constitute a separate form of intelligence, but such matters are certainly subject to significant debate.

In the regular school system, it is only those of us with photographic memory, an innate ability to solve logical puzzles or to regurgitate the teacher's notes word for word in a test that succeed brilliantly. The others just plod along hanging on to B's or C's, maybe even scoring an "A" here and there in subjects that tap into their particular interests and skills. The types of intelligence that are measured in a traditional school system are the logistical /mathematical and linguistic intelligences. How do we validate and reward the kids who have spatial or inter-personal intelligence in our school system? How do we encourage the kids who have spatial or intra-personal intelligence within the existing school curriculum?

Some of those kids are lucky enough to meet a special teacher who help them uncover their unique types of intelligence. For example, the teacher who noticed that Mary had a talent for sketching and encouraged her to present her portfolio to the local art school. Or the home room teacher who noticed that kids often confided in Paul because he was a good listener and encouraged him to become a peer counsellor. Or the English class teacher that allowed Josh to present his poem in the form of a rap song because he has a great sense of musicality and rhythm.

As for my daughter, teachers complained last year that she doodled during lessons. It was a way for her to deal with her anxiety. Doodling kept her hands busy and helped channel some of her nervous energy. She argued that she actually can listen better to the teacher when she doodles. I believed her. I do the same thing.

This year, her doodling has evolved into drawing Manga characters from Japanese comics. She filled up at least one drawing pad per week with her drawings. She went on Youtube and learned from other Manga artists by watching them sketch and explain their technique. At first, she copied other Manga drawings that she printed off the Internet. Then she started inventing her own characters. As time went by, she was able to render more emotion in the faces she drew. That gave her the courage to try something different. She tried her hand at drawing human faces. Her Christmas presents to her grand-parents, aunts and uncles this year were framed pencil drawings of their heroes: Leonardo da Vinci for my dad, Elvis Presley for my mother-in-law, and Bruce Lee for her godfather (who is also the phys ed teacher at her new school). She has found a place and a way to use her talent for drawing to express herself and create imaginary worlds that she hopes will entertain other teenagers when she publishes her first book ... one day.

You may have your own story about a special teacher or a coach who saw something in you that others did not see. Maybe that teacher saw something in you that you did not even see in yourself? What did he or she do to encourage you to develop that talent. What would be different today if you had not had that teacher believe in you? If you ran into that teacher today what would you say to him or her? How have they changed your life?

Have you been such a teacher in someone else's life? Is there someone in your family or circle of friends right now that is just needing to be noticed and encouraged?

Random Acts of Kindness

2009-12-20T15:52:00.001-08:00

I was leading a session for a government client earlier this week and they asked me to propose a special activity with a holiday theme to liven up their staff retreat. I suggested that they do a Secret Santa activity for the week leading up to our session.

You pick a name out of a hat and for a period of a week you are invited do an act of kindness for your colleague every day. The kindnesses can be anything from leaving a hot cup of coffee on their desk without being seen, to clearing off the snow from their car before they leave at night, to writing a poem in their honor or leaving chocolates or other treats where they can find them. The Secret Santa observes his or her colleague throughout the week to learn a bit more about who they are, and especially, find something that they appreciate about them. At the end of the week, the Secret Santas are unveiled during a special staff meeting. At the meeting, the Secret Santas share with the rest of the group what they have observed from their colleague and what they like about them.

My client loved the idea. It was something we could do without much preparation and with no outlay of cash (budgets are very tight these days!) plus, it would add a bit of holiday cheer to the workplace.

A few days before the Secret Santa activity was to begin, my client received a few long-winded emails and even some calls from staff complaining that they did not have time to deal with such frivolous Christmas activities on work time: five acts of kindness in a week was simply too much to handle in these busy times (although it probably took as much time as would be necessary to do 3 or 4 acts of kindnesses to write the long formal memos to complain about the lack of time but that is besides the point...or is it?)

My client compromised. In an email she said: "We understand that some of you are concerned about the time required to the Secret Santa activity every day for a week so therefore, we are asking that you limit your acts of kindness to only twice during the week preceding our staff retreat."

That seemed to satisfy the naysayers. They had made their point. Their discontent was heard and management had acted on it. So everyone limited their kindnesses to two times during the week. (Can you sense the cynicism and incredulity behind my diplomatic words?)

What is wrong with this picture? A lot! First, that we have to formalize an invitation for people to be kind to each other in the workplace is very sad indeed. Busy people do not have time to be cordial and kind to each other apparently.

Second, since when do we have to schedule time to have fun and be playful at work? Does this mean that real work only gets done in a formal, perfunctory, robot-like environment? Does this mean that we cannot afford to be living and breathing human beings at work and let our hearts and soul sing while we do our work?

Third, who are those scrooges who dared to complain that they were too busy with work to do an act of kindness for their colleague??? How long does it take so say thank you or open the door for someone or leave a candy on someone's desk? Perhaps we are so out of practice with being kind that these individuals felt like they had to do a lot of planning to do an impromptu act of kindness? I really don't get it.

In the end, people were thrilled with the activity (so much so that they have proposed doing a Secret Easter Bunny activity next Spring!) At the close the staff retreat, I asked everyone to come up in turn to the front of the room to describe what their Secret Santa had done. All of them expressed real gratitude for the kindnesses they received. They were touched by their colleague's thoughtfulness and caring. Once they were done, the Secret Santa revealed themselves and came to the front to join their colleague. All of them, without exception, hugged each other - can you believe that? Marks of affection in a workplace! Some would say that it is odd. I say it is heart-warming. It was now the Secret Santa's turn to say what they appreciated from their colleague. Here are some examples:

"Whenever I meet Mary in the hallways she always greets me with a happy hello and a smile."
"I like that John always delivers what he promises when he promised it. His work is very professional and thorough."
"You can go see Ghislaine if you need a little pick me up. She always finds something kind and positive to say. I always feel better after I talk to her."
"Richard is a big thinker. He is like a walking encyclopaedia. I love talking to him about new ideas."

Simple things huh? Little things are big things. Some would say that is all there is.

A lot of the Christmas movies seem to have a similar message. What makes Christmas magical is not the big ticket items under the tree or the gourmet food for Christmas dinner or the "bling" and designer clothes that you are wearing at the office Christmas party. What makes Christmas magical is that it awakens in us our humanity and our purpose "to do unto others what we would like them to do unto us."

At Christmas time, we are reminded about the abundance of things that we have and that we take for granted. At Christmas time, we are reminded that others are in need and we become more generous. We take the time to donate to Toy Mountain, the Food Bank, and World Vision or Care Canada. We make the time to volunteer at the soup kitchen or at the children's school fund raising activities. More so than any other time of the year, at Christmas time we feel that we can make a positive difference and we act on it.

The magic of Christmas is that love is free-flowing. And with love, anything can happen.

May you give and receive much love during this Christmas season...

Five generations of people side by side

2009-12-13T15:29:00.001-08:00

I have always been fascinated by sociology, the study of human societies. Diane Pacom, a sociology professor at the University of Ottawa gave a wonderful presentation on the generational gap between today's youth and the older generations a few weeks ago.

Did you know that there are presently five distinct generations living side by side in Canada?

There are two million folks in Canada who are from the 1920's generation (1920-1929) who are now in their eighties. The "Roaring Twenties" or the "Jazz Age" was a period of prosperity after the first World War and it was also a period of changing morals. This period of our history is also called the "Lost Generation". Many good, young men went to war and died, or returned home either physically or mentally wounded (for most, both), and their faith in the moral guideposts that had earlier given them hope, were no longer valid...they were "Lost." "Lost" also describes the general feeling of discontinuity associated with a break with traditions. Everything seemed to be feasible through modern technology. New technologies, especially automobiles, moving pictures and proliferated 'modernity' to a large part of the population. There was no television yet and even less computers or Internet...

There are 2.5 million Canadians who were born in the period of the Great Depression, the 1930-1939 generation. "What was once a land of opportunities became a land of desperation" to quote Bettye Sutton. Money was scarce. People were focused on survival instead of advancement. Authors have compared the Great Depression to the economic crisis we have experienced in the last year. Diane Pacom says that the impact of the depression on the 1930's youth was quite different. Today's youth define themselves by brands. You are ridiculed if you have an ordinary MP3 as opposed to an IPod. You are not cool if you wear department store brand running shoes rather than the latest Nikes. You are a "loser" if you wear your sister's hand me downs rather than the Lululemon sweatshirt or the Aeropostale t-shirts. So in a sense, the loss of income in this period of economic turn-down not only affected individual's capacity to attend to basic needs but it also undermined youth's sense of identity and self-worth. The 1930's youth fared better on that front.

The generation of the Second World War (1940-46) are also called the "Silent Generation". The "Pre-Boomers" as they are sometimes called, entered adulthood in the 1950s and benefited from ample job opportunities, rapid promotion and easy prosperity.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1947 and 1964, are 9 million in Canada today. The Baby Boomers are the first generation of "youth" in humanity. Before them, a person went from being a child to a young adult in the span of a couple of years. Today you are considered "young" if you are between 14 years of age to 34 years of age. The boomers created our culture's fixation with youth. Today, there is a young way of dressing, a young way of talking and writing (e.g. rap, MSN and texting), a young way to playing (e.g Ipods, Playstations, Youtube, etc...) thanks to the marketing genius of Baby Boomers.

The boomers have desconstructed our world. The boomers declared that marriage, church, family, politics,... were OUT. But they have not replaced these institutions with any other traditions.

The Generation X is the last cohort of the Baby Boomers, born between 1961 and 1980. A National Post article published on February 27, 2007 declares that Gen X will change the work culture. The author, Ray Williams, describes the Gen X, as people who grew up with pet rocks, platform shoes and watched The Simpsons. "They question authority, seek bigger meaning in life and work, are technologically savvy, live in the present, are skeptical, see career as a key to happiness, are open to multi-careers, consider challenge and variety as being more important than job security and constantly aim to achieve work-life balance." Diane Pacom points out that today's politics is attracting Generation X people like Obama, Stephen Harper and Jean Charest. They are pushing for a return to strong values and traditions.

After the Generation X, the Generation Y is considered to be the echo to the Baby Boomers. These youth between 14 to 29 years of age number almost 7 million in Canada. They are are the "I" generation as opposed to the "me" generation. Diane Pacom explains that a "me" usually impliesa "you" but for the Generation Y people there is no "you", so therefore they are just focused on the "I".

According to Mme Pacom, they are the "enfants rois" (the royal children) - to whom everything is owed and everything is given (often out of guilt from parents who don't know how to be worthy of the title of "good parent"). This generation of children has been the most wanted. Every milestone was marked with celebrations and praise. They may carry a sense of entitlement about them and have an expectation of frequent positive feedback.

Teachers have coined a term to describe those children's parents: the helicopter parents. Like helicopters, parents of Generation Y kids hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. The Generation Y children are sheltered. They grew up in a time of increasing safety measures (car seats, baby on board signs, school lockdowns). They were rarely left unsupervised. They were sheltered from having to take care of their own conflicts as parents advocated on their behalf, and “spared” them from unpleasant experiences

The Generation Y children are "trophy kids” and they feel pressure to excel. It is interesting to note that the Generation Y children have been identified in the school system as "gifted" in record numbers. In a typical week, those children juggle school, homework, band practice, soccer team / hockey team practice and singing lessons. For every "royal child" explains Diane Pacom, there are three excluded children. The children that have been diagnosed (and medicated) in record numbers in the last 15 to 20 years as having ADHD, anxiety, Asperger Syndrome or learning difficulties. Those kids who just don't belong in a world where you need to be "super" at something just to be noticed. Ordinary just doesn't cut it anymore.

The Millennial Generation are children born since 1996. These children were born in a high tech, high speed society. The Millennial children are more intuitive and more creative than older generations were at that age. They take to computers like a fish takes to water and have a natural understanding of technology in general that can border on the uncanny. They seem to have an understanding of the spiritual beyond their years and a matter-of-fact attitude toward the paranormal are often attributed to these youngsters. Millennials are on track to become the best-educated and best-behaved adults in the nation’s history. More comfortable with their parents’ values than any other generation in living memory, Millennials support convention – the idea that social rules can help. Diane Pacom says that these children are the most promising generation.

I believe that every generation has something precious to contribute to the next generation and important lessons to learn from the previous generation. As a parent of a Generation Y child and a Millennial child, I have to ask myself how can I give my daughters the space and the confidence to become who they are meant to be? How can I instil in my daughters a respect for older generations? How can I encourage them to be curious and appreciative for the wisdom older people have acquired in their lifetime?

I think that like many things in life you start small. A couple of weeks ago I asked my father who will turn 80 in March, if he would take me and my 13 year old daughter to his father's land in Quebec to cut down a small Christmas tree. On the way there, three generations of people, my daughter (the Milliennial child), myself (the Gen X'er) and my father (the Great Depression generation) were having a lively conversation about Christmas traditions and memories.

"What do you want for Christmas?" my father asks my daughter. "I want a tablet" she says. "You want a chocolate bar? (tablette de chocolat)" my father replies with surprise in his voice. "No, I want a computerized tablet on which I can draw my Manga characters and save them directly onto the hard drive so that I can color them in electronically and use them in video clips." she explains. "Ahhh. I understand. I didn't know that kind of thing existed" my father says with a bit of wonder in his voice. You see, even though my dad is from the Great Depression era, he fell in love with computers in his fifties and is very knowledgeable about them. Computers are one of his greatest pastimes. He makes the most amazing three dimensional birthday cards using graphics that he designs on the computer. He photo shops our pictures and attaches our heads onto characters that depict us in situations that illustrate a momentous event in our life. His creative interpretations of our lives always make us smile and tug at our hearts. In some ways, my father has more in common with my daughter when it comes to computers than I do. Instead of being a communication obstacle between generations, the computer bridges the communication gap in my family. Isn't that wonderful?

What are some of the bridges that you can help build between the generations in your family or in your workplace?

Check out this video clip on Youtube about growing old. Very touching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz_TK8HEne4

In pursuit of eternal youth

2009-12-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

In 1960's-1970's there was a radical change in social order. The adults lost their power to make the rules, young people took over that privilege. So says Diane Pacom, a well-known sociology professor at the University of Ottawa and a frequent guest on Radio Canada, and the conference circuits. On Friday morning I attended her presentation to a group of University of Ottawa retirees entitlted "Quand le boom fait face à son écho" (When the boom faces its echo).

Mme Pacom started by defining what it means to be considered "young". Being young means that you are under tutelage, someone else decides for you. Being young also means that you are not responsible or accountable for your actions.

Before the 1960's there was no "youth" per say from a societal point of view. You were either a child or an adult. Puberty marked the beginning of adulthood. You learned your trade on the farm or in the print shop and once you mastered it, you went to work. My dad who was a child of the Depression years worked to support his family at the age of 11. His mother, Fleurette, married my grandfather at the age of 17 and went on to raise eight kids. It is unthinkable that kids that age would have those kinds of responsibilities in this day and age isn't it?

But in the 1960's all that changed. Society started on its pursuit for eternal youthfulness. As Diane Pacom said, in the 1950's young girls aspired to be just like their mothers - playing at being a mom and learning to cook and clean just like her so they could be somebody's wife some day. Nowadays, mothers aspire to be like their daughters, chatting with them about their dating experiences (since over half of them are divorced), dressing in tight jeans and revealing tops, and getting Botox injections to erase the passage of time on their face.

When Mme Pacom started studying the phenomenon of youth in the 1980's, youth was defined as a period of 10 years between 14 years to 24 years. Today, sociologists consider that youth is a period spanning 30 years (!) between 14 years and 34 years.

Traditionally there were five markers that defined the passage from youth to adulthood:

1. End of Studies:
The end of studies marked a time when you had acquired the knowledge and know-how you needed to go forth in the world and succeed.

In the early 1950's, you finished your secondary at age 17 or 18 and started to work right away. Rare were those who went on to university. Girls aspired to a job as a secretary, a hairdresser or maybe a teacher. When they got married, they left their "careers" to take care of the children. Men had a much wider world of possibilities when it came to careers.

Today, most kids go to college or university after their secondary school. Many move on to doing Masters and Phd's. The "end" of studies comes much later in life.

Thanks to marketing companies and the consumer society it created, we are in a perpetual state of not "knowing".

We do not know how to eat: Depending on the diet of the day we are told to eliminate fats, eliminate carbohydrates, increase the proteins, add olive oil and flax seeds. Toss the vitamins E you bought a few years ago, now you need to beef up your consumption of vitamin D. Do you think our grandmothers worried about these kind of things?

We do not know how to breathe: We need to take yoga classes to reacquaint ourselves with our breath.

We do not know how to walk: The Running Room is making a fortune with their "Learn to Walk" clubs

We do not know how to live. We need life coaches to hold us by the hand to help us figure out our lives.

Today, we are never finished learning. We feel incompetent and unsure. We are told that we need expert advice on everything and anything.

2. When you get married.

The Baby Boomers rejected the tradition of marriage. Sexual experimentation starts younger and younger (I read a stat recently that said that in Quebec for example, the average age of the first sexual encounter is 14 years old). Living with rather than being married to seems to be the preferred trend. And for those of us who do get married, half the marriages end in the divorce.

3. When you choose a profession.

In my dad's era, you chose a career and it was for life. My dad was a biologist for 35 years working for the same organization that whole time. (In his early fifties, he went back to school to get a Masters in Human Sciences but that is another story)

In my case, (I'm a 1960's child) I rarely stayed in a job more than a few years. Four years is the longest I stayed in one job in the same organization. On average, I change jobs every couple of years.

According to Mme Pacom, today's youth see life as non-linear and fragmented. They live for the present moment, moving from one thing to another following what is their current passion. There is no such thing as choosing a career. They choose to explore an interest and follow it until something else comes along.

4. When we leave our parent's home.

We call today's parents, the "boomerang" parents. They send out their kids into the big wide world but they come back, come back, and come back again. There are many 35 year olds living in their parents basements these days, sometimes with their whole family in tow!

5. When we start a family.

The current trend is that women have babies later in life, once their studies are finished and they are established in their careers. On average women have babies in their late twenties and early thirties and there are more and more women having their first baby in their forties.

Diane Pacom argues that all these markers of the passage of youth to adulthood have disappeared in our society. Adults have lost their legitimacy and their authority. Youth, or youthfulness rules today.

"What is the solution? What can we do?" asked a teary-eyed participant at the end of Pacom's presentation. "I think we need too bring back humanity in our superficial consumer society. We need to find our self-respect again. Once, as adults, we become self-assured, we need to find it within ourselves to also respect our youth." Youth want to relate to us as equals. They act as if they could not care less about what we think but truly, they need our guidance. We just need to find the door that will let us in.

Diane Pacom received the 3M Teaching Fellowship award as an outstanding educator in 2004. Together with nine other recipients, she spent three days reflecting on what were the key ingredients to being an outstanding educator. It came down to just one thing: "Love them. Love them in the holistic sense of the word. When you are spending time with youth, you need to be totally there with them, your body, your mind and your spirit. Don't pretend that you are spending quality with your youth by going through the motions and still being preoccupied in your head with your kitchen list of things to do. Just BE there."

What do you think about all this? How does this apply to the workplace as well?

Me? Have fun? You're not serious!

2009-11-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

Imagine that! It's possible to learn while having fun.

In 1940 a fellow by the name of John Gallo was fired from his job at Ford because he was "caught in the act of smiling." This was his second offence. He had slowed down the production line by half a minute while he was laughing with his colleagues a few weeks earlier. Poor guy: two strikes (not even three) and he was kicked out! Henry Ford, the owner of the Ford car manufacturing company believed that "When we are at work we ought to be at work. When we are at play we ought to be at play. There is no use trying to mix the two."

We have come a long way since then right? Well, it depends... This Friday I had a call from a client from a federal government department asking that I help them design and lead a two-days team-building retreat. There had been a lot of folks coming and going in the last six months and they needed to spend some time solidifying their team. I suggested that we start off by exploring personality types as a way to build stronger relationships. "No! That won't do!" Said my client. "We are scientists and we have no patience for frivolous activities. We are serious people with serious jobs to do." I replied, "I must have misunderstood your objectives for your retreat. I thought that the focus of this retreat was team-building so that is why I suggested that we start the session with an activity that would help people better understand themselves and their colleagues in a work setting. How do you define team-building then?" She said: "It is really straight-forward. There is a lot of work to do and some employees are not doing their fair share. What we need to do is make a list of all the work that has to be done and decide who will do what." Hum... I thought. I beg to differ. Making a list of responsibilities and dividing it up amongst all the employees will not necessarily resolve the underlying human issue of people not feeling engaged and committed to their work... How do you explain that to a scientist? It is not black or white. It is a complex shade of gray.

But sometimes I do get to work in true partnership with a client who has the courage to do things differently, a client who recognizes that work can be fun and fun can lead to positive learning experiences (thanks Mary!)

Earlier this week, I had a wonderful time facilitating a session on leadership and effective team-work in Bathurst, New Brunswick. My client asked me to design a day of play, filled with interactive activities that would help participants explore the themes of leadership and teamwork. I was very happy to oblige. It was such a nice break from the usual requests I get from clients such as strategic planning sessions and national consultations on science priorities.

So I put my creative hat on and designed a fun-filled day of learning. In the morning, we did some storytelling to share personal stories of leadership and identify the key attributes of a good leader. In the afternoon, I created a half Survivor half Amazing Race challenge in which five teams competed. There were mental challenges like "Name That Tune" and "Word puzzles". There were physical challenges like a hockey competition and an odd (read yucky) food challenge. There were also creativity challenges like a treasure hunt with a twist.

In between activities, I would quiz participants on what they were learning about leadership. They were learning a lot as it turns out:

In the treasure hunt activity how did you go about finding the 30 items? Did you have a strategy? Did someone take the lead to organize sub-teams or did you all look for all 30 items at the same time? What worked best? What were some of the tricky's? What would you do differently next time? How would you translate what you have learned from this experience to a real life team situation in your workplace?

Daniel Pink, author of the book A Whole New Mind claims that the "right-brainers" will rule the future. The right-brainers are the creative thinkers. Pink outlines six fundamental human abilities that are essential for professional success and personal fulfillment. They are design, story, symphony, empathy, meaning and PLAY.

The importance of play in work, business and personal well-being manifests itself in three ways: games, humor and joyfulness.

Games, particularly computer and video games, are used to teach whole-minded lessons to customers. For example, in the late 1990's the US army was struggling to boost recruitment. After observing the new cadets' obsession with video games, the Army decided that the best way to reach young people was through their leisure activities on Sony Play Stations, Xboxes and personal c0mputers. The US army developed a video game called America's Army and released it for free on their GoArmy.com Web site in the summer of 2002. The first weekend the demand was so great, that it crashed the Army's servers.

For those of us who have kids (and husbands) who spend countless hours exercising their fingers on computer keyboards playing video games, we should not despair. Research has demonstrated that playing video games can sharpen many skills such as an individual's visual perception, his or her ability to detect changes in the environment, concentration, problem-solving and even enchances productivity and job satisfaction.

Fabio Sala wrote an article in the Harvard Business Review stating that "Humor, used skill-fully greases the management wheels. It reduces hostility, deflects criticism, relieves tension, improves morale, and helps communicate difficult messages. A natural facility with humor is intertwined with, and appears to be, a marker for a much broader managerial trait: high emotional intelligence." (p.198-199, A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink).

Humor can be used positively or negatively in the workplace. Humor can be a cohesive force in a organization. As a facilitator, I am always encouraged when a group of people can laugh together because it usually means that team members have enough trust in each other to delve into difficult topics as well. However, humor, the black humor kind, can have the opposite effect. Rather than diffuse conflicts, black humor can reinforce workplace divisions and tensions and highlight workplace conflicts.

Joyfulness and laughter are social activities. There is strong evidence to show that people who have regular, satisfying connections to other people are healthier and happier.

People who can laugh together can work together. Laughter has more to do with relationships than jokes so don't fret if you are like me and often do not get the joke's punch line (It may be lost in translation: somehow when my French brain has finished translating the words from English, the funny part got lost along the way). If I feel comfortable with you, I am more likely to be myself and laugh along with you.

If you need more reasons to unbutton your starchy shirt collar and loosen up your tie (so to speak), research shows that laughing people are more creative and productive people. So what have you got to lose?

What do you say? Are you game (pardon the pun)? Can you find ways to inject a bit of fun and laughter in your workplace this week?

I am running out of time

2009-11-22T05:20:00.000-08:00

Time. I don't have enough of it. I always seem to be running out of time no matter how much planning and multi-tasking I do...

I pride myself on being creative. And I have used this creativity many times to get a crazy list of responsibilities and errands done in one day. The internal conversation goes something like this: "On the way to dropping off my daughter to her part time job at 7:30 am on a Sunday morning (yep - no lazy mornings in this house, ever, it seems), I will drop off the overdue letters in the mailbox. On the way back, I will pick up some Tim Horton's for the rest of the family to speed up the breakfast routine. With the time I saved not cooking breakfast, I will sit at the computer and write my weekly blog. I should be finished writing the blog by 9:30 am and will go do my weekly 10 km run. On my run, I will take a detour to the video store to drop off the DVD's. When I'm back from my run, I will do a quick vacuum and clean up of the house before I leave to go clean up my mother-in-law's house who is too ill from the chemo treatments for her two forms of cancer to do it herself. On the way back from my in-law's, I will drop by the bank, return that item at the store and pick up my daughter who would have finished her shift at the cantine. That should leave me enough time to pack my suitcase and prepare my materials for my business trip tomorrow: I will be delivering three workshops back to back in three different cities in two different provinces." That is going to be my day today. Gosh. I'm exhausted just writing this down!

Yesterday, I had a booth at a Christmas Bazaar in a local senior's home. I make jewelery and Christmas decorations and I thought it may be a fun way to make a bit of pocket money for the Holidays. I was there from 7:30 am to 2:00 pm (a good chunk of time considering how hectic my life is these days) and I made a grand total of $34.00!!!! Not worth it at all. The bazaar was supposed to be open to the public and set up in the large commons room on the street level of the senior's home, but was relocated in the basement at the last minute. The only people that came, were the residents of the home. The only things that sold well were the hand knitted slippers, woolen shawls and the fruit cakes! It is almost funny isn't it?

I tried to see the positive side of things as I felt the anger (at myself) and disappointment rising inside of me while I was packing up all the unsold merchandise at the end of the day. "Well, it wasn't a complete waste of time. I met some nice people who do crafts like me. I did get to sit down and relax for a while..."

In the end, I think what that experience taught me was how our relationship with time changes with age. At the booth next to me, the lady who knitted all those slippers and shawls, (and made a small fortune selling them) kept saying to folks that knitting was a good way to pass the time. On the other side of me, there was a newly retired couple. The husband was there as moral support to his wife. He had nothing special planned for the day so he thought he might as well give her a hand. His wife said that making jewelery made the long days of February and March go by faster. She missed the hustle and bustle of her previous "life" as a decorator and designer for a big chain store so she found another way of expressing herself creatively through jewelery making. The elderly residents from the home came to the bazaar to pass the time. They said visiting the booths was a nice way to spend time on what would have been another long and boring Saturday.

All these folks seem to have too much time on their hands. Part of me was envious... I started wondering how I would feel when the kids have left home and I am retired. Given the speed at which I live my life now, would I be relieved and grateful for the extra time on my hands or bored out of my mind? One thing I know for sure is that I can't see myself being happy when buying a pair of woolen slippers is the highlight of my weekend!

So what do I take away from this experience? I really need to change to my attitude towards time.

When I was working full-time for government, I was crazy busy. In that environment, being busy often means that you are important and makes you feel indispensable. After some introspection, I had to admit to myself that being highly solicited flattered my ego. But my physical and mental health was suffering. I wanted more time. And more flexibility in my time. So I left government and started my own business. I have more flexibility now but I am just as busy, if not more. Why do I do this to myself? I just moved the problem around. I did not resolve it.

I want to take a long hard look at my relationship with time and make some real changes. My sense is that I will need to re-assess all the beliefs I have about time:

Time is money
I am getting older every day
You can play only when the work is done
Don't waste time doing "nothing"
How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives
No time like the present
You may delay, but time will not.
So little time and so much to do

It is 9:30 am. Time for my run. Got to go!

I think I could use a little coaching with this time obsession. Any suggestions?

Food for thought:

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Power of Words

2009-11-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

I came across an interesting article in the October 2009 edition of the Oprah magazine. The author, Tim Jarvis, makes a case for the importance of the words we choose to convey our message. According to Jarvis, one little word can sometimes make the difference between action and inaction, between resentment and cooperation, between argument and understanding.

Giving Constructive Feedback:

"How do you give feedback without ruffling any feathers? I know it is important to let my staff, or my colleagues, know how they could improve their performance but I shy away from it. Giving feedback is awkward and it could get me into trouble." Many clients have asked me for advice on giving constructive feedback over the years.

Here are some of my pointers:

Ask first: Don't assume that your feedback will be welcomed. The right thing to do is ask the person first if they would like to get some feedback from you. Get their permission and only then, proceed, with care.

Use the "Like, Tricky and Do diff" model: Start by letting the other person empties his or her "cup" first. The person knows what they have done right and wrong so let them share with you their own perspective of how they did first. Once they have emptied their cup, they will be more receptive to what you have to offer as feedback. Start by saying what you liked about what they did. Then move on to the "trickys". A tricky does not necessarily mean something negative. A tricky can be something that was unclear, or misunderstood, or something that was missing. Finish by making some suggestions for improvement by giving tips on what could have been done differently (do diff's).

Stick to the facts: When giving feedback try to describe in an objective way what you saw and heard rather than giving your interpretation of what you saw and heard. It makes a huge difference. One approach is factual and can be verified by other observers, the other is personalizes the feedback and much more difficult to defend.

Do it with care: Ask yourself "How would I feel if I were standing in his or her shoes right now?" Do unto others, as you would like them to do unto you.

Ask yourself why you want to give feedback in the first place: The only good reason to give feedback is to help the other individuals improve their performance. If you feel the need to give feedback to someone, make sure that your motivation is not personal. In other words, make sure that your desire to give feedback is not a disguise for your need to unload negative feelings.

Choose the right time to give feedback: If someone has just finished a difficult presentation that went sour, giving them feedback as they exit the room will backfire. They will feel attacked rather than supported. Give them some time to process what just happened and approach them when they are in a more positive frame of mind.

Jarvis' one word trick for giving constructive feedback:

Rather that saying: "You did a nice job BUT the report needs to be finished."
Try: "you did a nice job AND the report needs to be finished."

The "but" negates the first part of the statement no matter how positive it is. When people hear the word "but" they are just waiting for the bad news.

Help change someone's behavior:

People believe that they can motivate others to change their behaviors. That is a myth. You can't motivate someone. Motivation needs to come from the inside. I can't motivate you. You have to motivate yourself. All you can do as a "change agent" is create the exterior conditions that could motivate a change.

According to Jarvis, one of the most common mistakes we make is to ask the other person to change for your sake: "If you really love me you will stop doing behavior "X" or "Can you fix this for "my" sake" please."

Jarvis' one word trick to encourage someone to change:

Rather than saying: "You will stop smoking for my sake"
Try: "Will you stop smoking for the sake our kids' health?"

Your loved one may resent your wanting to change his or her ways and refuse to change to prove a point. If you put the focus on a third party removes you from the equation and appeals to their "ideal" self - the one that does the right thing for the right reasons.

Presenting a problem to your boss:

There has been a lot of talk in the last few years in the federal government of "speaking truth to power." Excellent concept in theory... On the one hand, we all want to do the right thing and expose the truth for what it is. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

Somehow, it is much easier to talk about the irregularities and unfairness in our workplace around the coffee machine with colleagues. Complaining comes naturally to most of us. Blaming others is also a typical reflex. However it is quite another thing to actually tell the powers that be that something's got to change.

Jarvis' one word trick for speaking truth to power:

Rather than saying: "They have issues with the sales staff."
Try: "We have issues with the sales staff."

Replacing they with we can change your outlook and the viewpoint of others. Saying "we" suggests that we recognize that we are part of the solution to the problem.

Trying to make someone see your side:

Some words can be provocative. Once people hear certain words like "stupid", "dumb", or "un-professional" they stop listening to the intent of the comment. Instead, the emotions take over and their anger and resentment prevents them from understanding the intent of the message. Jarvis gives the example of a comment that President Obama made this summer when he was discussing the arrest of Henry Louis Gates Jr and said that the Cambridge police acted stupidly. That comment was inflammatory and created a lot of backlash.

Jarvis' one word trick for making people hear your message:

Rather than saying: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was stupid."
Try: "I know you wanted to surprise me, but changing our plans without warning me was not helpful."

Rather than labeling other's actions, convey the effect of those actions.

When I started studying coaching, my teacher recommended that I read the book by Dr. Matthew Budd entitled "You Are What You Say". Budd reminds us that the words we use create our reality. Words are like self-fulfilling prophecies. You get what you say you will get...

Have you ever noticed that?

When you tell yourself you are tired you feel even more tired and out of sorts.
When you repeat to yourself "I can do this", you usually can.
When you say to your teacher "I am shy", she calls on you less often to answer a question or do a presentation in front of the class so you become even shyer.
When you say to yourself "this will be a good day", it usually is.

This week I challenge you to pay attention to your words (often a reflection of your internal beliefs) and the impact they have on your everyday life.

I am curious. Please let me know what you found out

Love Is All You Need

2009-11-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

I tried to find an uplifting subject for my blog this week. I really did. But in the end, there was no way around it, I needed to express my sadness. This week my father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer and his wife, my dear mother-in-law, had a surgical procedure to biopsy a cancerous tumor in her lung. She had to be hospitalized two days later for complications from that procedure. A good friend's father was hospitalized in Montreal and passed away three days later. The artistic director of my Community Theatre Troupe sent us an email this week to let us know that the Christmas play would not happen this year - she suffered a heart attack and is waiting for heart surgery. After having known for over two months, a very special friend decided to break the silence and let me in - he told me that he had been diagnosed with lymphoma. That was my week. Lot's of sadness and worry. It sure makes you reflect on the things you take for granted like time for example...

How do you deal with all that bad news at once? How do you manage to keep your spirits up? How do you console your loved ones - those who are grappling with illness and those who love them and suffer along with them? What is it that I can learn from all this?

Yesterday there was a fund raising event at our local Shopper's Drug Mart. In exchange for a money donation to help families in need at Christmas, you got a free mini-facial and a makeup application. Lee, the lady who did my makeup was a beautiful woman in her sixties with a warm heart. I don't know why, but somehow the conversation shifted from what the new makeup colors were for this season to her life story.

She said she had a difficult week. Her 60 year old brother-in-law had suddenly collapsed on October 31 from an aneurism. He was at the peak of his career and had just signed an 11 years lease for a brand new office. Seventeen years ago, on the same date, his young brother had passed away. Their 91 year old mother had buried two sons in her life-time.

Lee had to travel to Montreal to help with the funeral arrangements and attend the ceremony. She was burnt out by all the emotions and activity and had collapsed in her bed at 8:00 pm the night before for a 12 hours sleep. I empathized with her. I was feeling burnt out too and had also tried to escape all this week's worries in a long fretful sleep. Then, before I could stop myself, all my grief tumbled out. I shared with this stranger all my sad news.

Lee held my hand and said: "Listen, in the space of 6 years my 18 year old hockey playing son was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and required complicated surgeries. Two years later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and lost my left breast. Two years later my husband, an executive with a federal government department, had a burn-out, sank into a serious depression and had psychotic episodes for which he had to hospitalized. There were many times when I did not think I could survive another day. But I kept going. Today it is all behind me and I am happy. God does not give you more than you can handle. The suffering makes you stronger. I believe that." Not only does it make you stronger but it makes you more attuned to others who are suffering. Lee is giving back. She volunteers her time as a makeup artist for the "Look Good, Feel Better" initiative for cancer patients.

Here we were in the middle of a busy store having a moment of privileged connection. We hugged and we cried. For that moment, we forgot where we were - all the bustling and the noise - and time stopped. Two strangers, fellow human beings, sharing sorrow and understanding. And then the moment was gone. We joked that we had to change the topic quickly or else all the hard work Lee had done to apply my makeup would go to waste. She retouched the makeup, I made my purchases and we hugged one last time. I probably will never see her again but that doesn't matter... I left the store feeling lighter.

I felt grateful that Lee had been on my path that day to share her story. Human beings can be so incredibly resilient. We can get through the most difficult situations. It is a matter of persevering even when the going gets tough, believing that there is a bigger purpose, and most importantly staying hopeful. And of course, to quote the Beatles, "you get by with a little help from your friends"

When you really think about it "all you need is love" to get through those hard times . Even love from a stranger in a store can turn your world around. Thanks Lee!

The Beatles

Lennon/McCartney

From The Blue Album

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

What's love got to do with it?

2009-10-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

As I prepared to launch my new business in September 2009, a friend who is a successful private consultant recommended that I read the book by Geoffrey Bellman entitled "The Consultant's Calling - Bringing Who You are to What You Do"

I have been reading this book with interest a few chapters at a time. One chapter in particular really spoke to me. Chapter Nine is entitled "Love at Work" and in it Bellman says:

"We all want love and our wants do not respect the boundaries of work. Many people show up for the money but stay for love. They assume they will get the money: they seek the love." p. 81

What are we searching for at work? According to Bellman, and I would agree, we search for attention, recognition, care, understanding, affection, glory, respect, appreciation, inclusion. In other words we are looking for small "L" love.

Bellman talks about a five-level hierarchy of appreciation which starts at the bottom with "KNOW" and culminates with "LOVE"

LOVE
EMBRACE
ACCEPT
UNDERSTAND
KNOW

Love yourself first

Bellman recognizes that love of self is not necessary to achieve professional success, stature or recognition - though it can be helpful. He believes that if you want more enjoyment, abundance, growth and satisfaction, start by loving yourself first.

First you start by taking stock of what you think you know. This is harder than it sounds. This involves looking honestly at everything you believe in and checking within yourself to see if you are keeping an open mind to new information that could modify or even change what take for granted.

Through the knowing of yourself you can move to an understanding of yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses. What makes you tick? What are your fears? What are your most cherished dreams? Truthfully, in order to grow as a human being, we should always be working at understanding and redefining who we are what we stand for.

Even if we know and understand ourselves, accepting all of who we are can be a struggle. There are some parts of ourselves that are difficult to acknowledge. We are not proud of some parts of ourselves and would rather pretend they didn't exist. Carl Jung calls that hidden part of our persona the "shadow side". The shadow is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. "Everyone carries a shadow," Jung wrote, "and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is."

The next step in the hierarchy of acceptance is embracing all that we are: the good sides together with the darker sides. That's the goal. But the reality is that we embrace a lot of who we are while still distancing ourselves, consciously or unconsciously, from other parts of our selves. As we move forward in our journey as human beings it becomes easier to reach contentment and be at peace with who we have become, warts and all...

I don't know about you but as I grow older (getting closer to the "golden" years) I love much more of myself than I used to. We become less preoccupied with what other people might think of us and are more aware and appreciative of what feels good to us.

Loving others

Loving yourself opens you to loving others. Take a trip in your mind to your workplace environment. How would you apply that five-level hierarchy of appreciation with colleagues and bosses?

1. KNOW: You take time to get to know your colleague. You have a conversation with him or her and find out a bit more about their professional and personal background. You listen actively without preconceptions or judgement. You stay curious and open minded, willing to have your ideas and beliefs challenged and enhanced.

2. UNDERSTAND: You seek the meaning behind the knowledge you have gathered in your interactions with this person. You express some of what you know and ask questions to deepen your understanding of them.

3. ACCEPT: To accept someone requires openness, allowance and welcome. It does not necessarily mean to agree with everything they stand for.

4. EMBRACE: You embrace your colleagues ideas, emotions and issues simply because they are important to him or her. You show respect for your colleague by honoring what is meaningful to him or her even though you may disagree. If it is important to your colleague, it becomes important to you as well.

5. LOVE: You and your colleague are attuned to each other. You open yourself to the other person without fear of being judged. Neither of you need to change to satisfy the other. You have complete trust that the other person will act in a way that serves both of you well.

Many of us love our work so why would we not open ourselves to love the people with whom we work? As in any other relationship, the ascent of this hierarchy of appreciation is accompanied by risks but it also brings new depths to your partnerships with colleagues.

What do you think about Bellman's concept of "love" at work? Can you relate to it? If not, would you have the courage to try to be open to deeper relationships at work? What have you got to lose except missed opportunities to feel fulfilled and accepted in the workplace?

As for me, the concept of love in the workplace is very real. I have been blessed in my career. Through my work I have met wonderful people that I love dearly and are still part of my life to this day.

Thank you to all of you who have let me into your hearts and made my workplace a place of acceptance and caring:
Karen
Jill
Marie Anick
Bob
Louis
André
Rob
Heidi
Tony
Andrea
Johanne
Simon

One week

2009-10-25T11:35:00.001-07:00

I watched the movie One Week last night. It enchanted me. It disturbed me. It provoked me. It stayed on my mind.

The movie opens with a scene in a doctor's office. Ben Tyler is a man in his mid-twenties. His doctor tells him that he has stage four cancer (terminal) and a 10% survival rate if he starts aggressive chemo treatments right away.

On his way home, he meets an older man who is reluctantly selling his vintage motorcycle. The man convinces Ben to take the motorcycle for a spin. Ben is delighted by the sense of freedom he feels as he rides the bike. He buys the motorcycle on the spot. On his way to tell his fiancée the bad news, he stops for a Tim Horton's coffee and rolls up the rim. It says "Go west young man." He sees this as a sign...

His fiancée pleads with him to start treatment right away but he replies that he needs an adventure before he is tied to an hospital bed. Ben hops on his bike and heads west. Where exactly? He doesn't know. For once in his life he has no plans. He lets his body decide when it is time to stop and sleep. Otherwise, Ben just rides and rides.

Many things are weighing on Ben's mind as he sets on his journey: Does he still want to get married? Why did he settle for a career in teaching? Why did he stop writing after his first book was turned down by too many editors to count? Why did he not pursue his love of singing?

What started as a couple days of aimless driving to escape a hard reality morphed into a week-long trek along the beautiful countryside of Canada. The vistas are beautiful: the Great Canadian Shield of northern Ontario; the grand lakes of Manitoba; the vast wheat plains of Saskatchewan; the breathtaking snow capped Rockies in Alberta; and all the way to the Pacific Ocean off Vancouver Island (British Columbia). As he travels the varied landscapes of Canada, he also takes an internal voyage of self-discovery.

Ben finds the answers to his life along the road. They emerge from within him as he contemplates nature or through seemingly ordinary encounters with people on his journey. He reacquaints himself with his own truth and he hears the wisdom in the words of others.

Eventually he comes back home to make peace with his fiancée. He will not marry her. And to let his family share his pain as he starts treatment. He has made peace with his life such as it is.

The movie ends with a black screen and these words: "To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield."

You know what I am going to ask you don't you?

If you just had one day or one week or one month to live what would you do?

What would stay the same?
What would you change?
Would you stay or would you go? Home bound or exotic trip somewhere?
What are the "undones" would you like to finish or accomplish?
What would you like to turn back the clock on?

If there are more things you would change than things you would keep it may be an indication that it is time to take a hard look at your life.

What are you waiting for to live the life of your dreams?

What's Up Doc?

2009-10-17T13:50:00.000-07:00

There is a new show on TV that talks about health, and it is very popular. Imagine that. It is called The Doctor Oz Show. Have you seen it?

Last Friday The Dr. Oz Show featured a special on a medical mission in the city of Houston (Texas) - the largest non-disaster relief free health clinic. Over 700 volunteers, 200 doctors and 300 nurses provided medical care to over 1,780 Americans. On the show, Dr Oz introduced some of the patients with serious health conditions that they saw at that clinic.

We met a middle-aged man who had lumps in his neck and bloody stools for over three years. Being a typical "man", even though he was concerned about these symptoms, he never made it to his doctor to have a Colonoscopy. The man lost his job last Fall, and with it, his health coverage. Prodded by his wife, he came to the free clinic to get things checked out. The doctors who examined him were concerned about cancer. The producers of the show arranged for this man to see a specialist to have more thorough tests which determined, happy news, that he did not have cancer after all.

We met a young mother of five children who was told that her baby daughter had a hole in her heart. On the show, Dr. Oz introduced her to a heart specialist and a pediatrician who agreed to provide care for her daughter free of charge. Disney donated an all expenses paid trip to Disney World for the whole family.

We met a man in his forties who had a cancerous tumor on his lip that had tripled in size over the last few years to the point that he was disfigured and unable to eat properly. He just did not have the money to pay for the surgery he required so he let the tumor grow and grow. Because of his disfigurement he could not get a job which compounded the problem even more. The producer of the show provided him with a team of medical experts that would remove the tumor, do reconstructive surgery to repair his mouth, oversee his chemotherapy treatments, and give him the psychological counseling he required ... all free of charge.

I was fascinated. Fascinated by the stories. Fascinated by the relevance and depth of the medical information Dr Oz shares with his audience. He has a knack for simplifying complex health-related concepts and high tech medical procedures in a way that is easily understood (many doctor's I know could learn a few tips from him!) And I was fascinated by the fact that I was watching the show in the first place and really enjoying it, along with millions of other people.

Is it the reality show voyeurism thing that entices me to tune in? Or simple curiosity maybe? Or is it possible to watch something educational and good for me while being entertained? If that is the case, I think we are onto something big here. Maybe this is what the Sesame Street concept was built on: educational entertainment. The Dr. Oz Show is educational entertainment for adults. The show is making health a "cool" thing to talk about. It is making health information accessible to the general public. The show is even making some of the "unspeakables", like teen sex, speakable in polite company.

More than anything though, what that special show on free health care brought home to me is how lucky Canadians are to have government funded health insurance. We take it for granted. Watching those regular people struggling with something as basic as staying healthy shook me up. Obama is facing a lot of resistance to his proposed health care plan. Why? It seems like common sense to me. Does it all have to be about money in the end? I think health care is a basic human right in modern society, in any society for that matter. It is funny that in the most (self-proclaimed) "advanced" and powerful society on the globe there is such a discrepancy between the haves and the have nots.

My mother-in-law is struggling with very serious health issues. These days she visits doctor's offices, hospitals, specialists and medical laboratories every week. She is going through tests and more tests to figure out what is making her so sick and, more importantly, what is the best course of treatment to give her the best chances to recover. It has been hard on her. It has been tough on my father-in-law, her sons, and daughters in law. The "not knowing" may be the worse part because you don't know what you are fighting. We just have to trust the process and believe that her medical team will do everything in their power to make her better. We try to stay positive.

But I can't imagine what it would feel like if every visit and every test was a withdrawal from our bank accounts. It would be even more painful not being able to get her the medical care she needs to get better because of lack of insurance and money. That is one less thing thing we have to worry about as Canadians. Our health costs are covered. We can dedicate all our energies to getting better. One more great reason to be proud to be Canadian ...

Giving Thanks

2009-10-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

At Thanksgiving families gather round tables to share a meal and give thanks. Around our table last night my teenage daughters and my six teenage nieces surprised with their deep expression of gratitude. They were thankful for sisters and family (even if we fight and get on each other's nerves sometimes), for having switched to a new school where there is no bullying, for their success as a musician, for their mother's success in a new business venture, for the things we take for granted like water, a roof over our head and a peaceful country. Our rebellious teens may have a hard edge exterior but they have soft and kind hearts. They push us away with their "I don't care" attitude but they are fooling us. They do care. They are wise observers of the world. They just don't want us to know.

I used to keep a Gratitude Journal. Every night for six or seven years I would write in my journal five things I was grateful to have in my life. At first I struggled to find those five things. Culturally, we are programmed to see what is wrong and what is missing. I find it is much more difficult to be appreciative and be grateful. So I had to teach myself to pay attention to my life in a different way.

After a (long) while it became second nature for me to go through my day "looking" for something to write in my journal at night. When I saw or felt something positive I would tell myself "take a picture of this with your mind so you can remember to write it down in your journal tonight." I recorded in my thoughts what brought me pleasure and happiness. As I re-read my entries I found that a pattern emerged. The things I am grateful for are simple things, little things really. Things like noticing the sun rise over the snow covered fields on my way to work, the smell of a fresh brewed cup of coffee, a hug from a daughter who does not like to show affection, a compliment from a co-worker, etc...

As a write this I regret that I have not written in my Gratitude Journal in over 6 months. Our family has gone through some difficult times this year and the journal became one more "chore" to get done before I could crash in my bed exhausted for a few hours of sleep so I could start the whole thing all over again the following day. Funny that I would sacrifice the one thing that would give me a positive perspective on my life isn't it? I think it is time for me to start the comforting ritual of writing in my journal again.

Thank You

For the force of life coursing through my veins
For my curious mind
For my strong yet fragile heart
For the miracle of nature around me

For the people who share their hearts with me
For the people who learn with me
For the people who teach me
And for the people who dream with me... of a better world

What are you grateful for?

Run for our lives

2009-10-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

This morning I ran in the Breast Cancer Run for the Cure. I have run this race every year for 5 years now. The Run for the Cure is my favorite race of the season. You cannot help but be awed watching a sea of people, over 10,000 this year, dressed in all shades of pink.

Years ago this race was mostly for women, mothers and daughters. In recent years, the race transformed into a family event with almost as many men as women participating. It is common to see three generations of women walking together, chatting, pushing strollers or holding the hand of a little four year old. And, we see men of all ages walking along with the women.

There are corporate teams like CIBC or The Running Room. There are family teams like Oma Tucker's Life Support Team and In Memory of Sherilynn. There are sisterhoods like the Ta Ta Sisterhood and Pretty in Pink teams. There are brotherhoods like André's Trailblaizers and Real Men who Dare to Wear Pink teams.

For me, it is a happy occasion to get together with my sisters. One of my sisters volunteers every year to help organize the event. I can always count on her to tell me to hold on to my backpack while I run and to be there when I come back to congratulate me. Her teenage son hangs out with her because he likes working with people plus he can accumulate volunteer hours for his high school credits. My other sister usually walks with 2 or 3 of her 6 daughters (yes, I did say SIX daughters). Her husband who is a phys ed teacher and an accomplished athlete is the lone adult male in our group. If I have been especially persuasive, one or both of my teenage daughters join me for this event but this year part time jobs and ringette games interfered so I was alone from my clan.

There is a buzz in the air. They have started the countdown. A mass of pink clad people are lined up behind the Start Line. 1-2-3 GO! At first, no one is running. There are too many people. It is a compact mass of people moving forward in unison. So I just walk slowly until I can find a hole in the crowd. I start weaving back and forth between people in search of a clear path to run. It is a bit like an obstacle course. I like it. I get to "visit" different groups of people as I run along with them for a while.

We are a couple of kilometres in. I am running at a fast clip trying to keep my pace steady as we go up a hill. I start thinking of my sore knees and my problem hip that is acting up these days. I get a bit winded and that small voice in my head starts badgering me. "Why did you have to get up so early on a Sunday morning to come here anyways? Don't you have enough to do at work and at home without adding even more to your calendar?" But then my eyes start to focus on the "I run for..." signs on the back of people I pass.

I run for...

My mother who is fighting breast cancer for a second time

My daughter who was just diagnosed

In memory of gramma

Women all over the world

YOU... hey, I already had it

A cure

All of a sudden, I forget the discomforts in my body and I let all that positive energy envelop me. That energy carried me through the Finish Line, twice. I ran the race a second time just because. Just because I am healthy and I can do it.

At the Finish Line the mood is celebratory. People who are crossing the line after a speedy time of 20 minutes for 4.5 km get the same acknowledgement as the people who cross the line 55 minutes into the race. There are lots of laughter, singing, "hurrays" and "high fives" from people watching on the side lines.

You bet that it was worth it! Even though I have been craving a bit of extra sleep lately it was worth it to get up early this morning to join 10,000 fellow human beings, running and walking, to raise funds to find a cure for breast cancer and other cancers. Being part of this event is important to me. Taking some time out from my busy life to fan the flame of hope for a cure is a celebration of life.

They say that one of the key to happiness is gratitude. Taking part in the Run for the Cure is my way to give thanks for my health and the health of my family.

I believe there is strength in numbers. Together, we can find the courage to face the dark shadow of cancer. Together we can fight it. Together we can help fund research to find a cure. We can find a cure - it is just a matter of time.

Some stats:

Breast cancer is the most common cancer among Canadian women (excluding non-melanoma skin cancer).

In 2009:

An estimated 22,700 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 5,400 will die of it.
An estimated 180 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 50 will die of it.
On average, 437 Canadian women will be diagnosed with breast cancer every week.
On average, 104 Canadian women will die of breast cancer every week.
One in 9 women is expected to develop breast cancer during her lifetime and one in 28 will die of it.